Your "storytelling" isn't bad. It is obvious in how many details you have included here that you know your story inside and out. If you were to tell me out loud your story, it would sound awesome, like a good story you have put lots of work and effort into. It is only at the gap between speech and text where people get thrown off. Like I said, your story is very good. But when there are grammar mistakes (as if we don't ALL make those ) and very few indents (to the point where the story looks like one giant impenetrable mass of text), it can be very hard to see the story behind the mask. Find someone to proofread your story, someone you trust to be nice and honest at the same time and, if on the internet, someone who will not steal your story. (This is just a suggestion; apply if you want, ignore if you wish.)

Ummm... I don't want to be mean but u need to work on your story telling