Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/6563485.
Published: 2016-04-15 Completed: 2016-05-20 Chapters: 7/7 Words: 9270
Never Time to Say Goodbye
by PullTogether
Summary
Judy goes on vacation, leaving Nick to deal with his feelings for her the only way he knows how... by pretending like they don’t exist. But after a tragic accident, he’s forced to come to terms with his past mistakes as he struggles with the possibility that he may lose Judy forever.
Chapter 1
I remember the day when everything changed for me. It was that rainy day, back in August, when I was trying to explain to you how easy it was to read Chief Bogo.
Nick and Judy made their way across the ZPD lobby as they hurried to the morning briefing.
“Everyone has a tell, sweetheart,” Nick smirked as Judy looked at him doubtfully.
“Take Bogo for example. When he’s about to deliver bad news at a press conference or in the bullpen, he always takes his glasses off first.” Judy leaned in to listen as Nick spoke softly. “And if he puts them in his front pocket before he talks, look out.”
“Oh yeah, what about me?”
Nick laughed and stopped walking so he could slap his knee and grin at her. “Carrots, when it comes to tells, you’re an open book.”
Judy moved with lightning speed and whacked him hard on the arm.
“Ow!” Nick wailed, as he put on his oh so sad, I’m such an abused fox face.
“What, you couldn’t tell what I was about to do?”
She chuckled as she pushed open the large door and marched ahead of Nick into the crowded bullpen.
Nick smiled as he followed her. “Sly bunny.”
We ended up making a bet on it; the loser would pay for dinner at that fancy new place that had just opened around the corner from the station. As luck would have it, that very day Bogo took off his glasses right before he stuck us with night patrol for the next few days, to cover for Delgato and Snarlof.
Of course we knew the bet was a sham, since we’d both win, no matter who was right. Except for the occasional Gazelle concert or meeting at a bar with the other officers, both of us were terrible at inviting the other to spend time together off the clock. I’ll never forget that little teal number you wore, or how excited you were to be eating dinner in the most beautiful restaurant you said you’d ever seen. I honestly barely remember what the place looked like, because I couldn’t take my eyes off of you.
After they kicked us out at closing time, I was so glad when you agreed to meet me for breakfast a few days later at that little diner we’d always talked about trying. I figured it would be my last chance to spend time with you before you headed back to Bunnyburrow for a few weeks of vacation.
Judy picked at her veggie omelet.
Nick paused between gulps and glanced at Judy. “What’s eating you, Carrots? Is the food ok?”
Judy nodded, but her ears drooped a bit lower as she looked up at Nick; her violet eyes seemed almost pleading. “It’s my parents.” Judy looked down at her omelet before sighing and putting her fork down. “They’re trying to play matchmaker and introduce me to some dumb bunny when I go home to visit. I mean, I want to get married and have kids someday, but I wish they would just butt out of my personal life.”
I should have been more sympathetic, and I regret the joke about how you’d be a great mom someday, but I had a plan to avoid messing up my kids by never having any. I saw you closing up, and yet I kept driving right off that cliff, over and over. It was my way of pushing you away, a reflexive movement I’d developed a long time ago. I guess I was also, in my own weirdly overprotective way, hoping you could find someone who deserved you more than I did.
You’re an open book, at least to me, Carrots. But the dumb fox that I am, I made myself ignore what you were trying to tell me. I’d gone down this road a few times before, and I had always ended up back in the same place that I started, lonely and even more bitter. I just couldn’t stand the thought of that happening to us.
I think you were mad at me. You left on vacation a day early, barely even saying goodbye, so I figured you just needed some space.
Nick slouched into Chief Bogo’s office and climbed up to sit on the hard yellow chair in front of his desk. Bogo ignored him for a few moments before he lowered the folder he was reading to glare at Nick over his glasses.
“So, you’d rather have desk duty than work with another partner while Officer Hopps is out?”
Nick nodded. “None of the other officers here can keep up with me, and I figured filing a mountain of backlogged reports would make the time go faster.”
Instead, Bogo punished me in the worst way possible; he gave me a week off. Scratch that, he ordered me take a week off. It seems some dumb bunny had recently brought it to his attention that I hadn’t taken a single day off since I started over a year ago. He said I should use the time to pull myself together, and mentioned that he had seen the way I looked at you, and then he warned me about the dangers of fraternizing with fellow officers. Thanks, Dad.
I told him I had no idea what he was talking about, and he told me to stop wasting his time and get the hell out of his office.
I think he thought I would be smart enough to go chasing after you, but I showed him. Instead, I sat around in my underwear for five days, watching TV, eating pizza, and swiping past canids on Timber until I noticed Sally, a pretty vixen I’d met quite a few years ago. My mom had introduced us, no doubt trying to fix me up, back when she still had some hope she would get a few grandkits someday. Sally remembered me, I got cleaned up, put on some pants, and went out to meet her for a glorious evening where I somehow managed to talk about you for the entire night. She was a saint; she kissed me on the cheek and told me to call her sometime if I ever figured things out.
Which reminds me Carrots… we need to talk about my mom.
Holding a bouquet of flowers, Nick knocked on the worn wooden door of a shabby little home tucked behind an older tenement building. After several long moments the door creaked open to reveal an elderly fox, stooped and graying around her muzzle. She smiled and hugged Nick.
Nick smiled as he held out the flowers. “Hi Ma.”
Nick came inside, closed the door and followed her as she shuffled down a dark hallway. “You have a key, Nicky. You know you’re welcome to just come right in anytime. It’s your house too, even if you haven’t lived here in ages. Now put those lovely flowers in a vase and come sit with me awhile.”
Nick headed to the kitchen sink as his mom hobbled over to a ratty armchair in the corner of the dining room . “Ok, but I can’t stay too long,” he said.
She eased herself down with a grunt as Nick filled a glass vase with water at the kitchen sink. He watched her over the counter between the two rooms as she shifted in the chair and wheezed loudly. “You ok Ma?”
“I’m fine, just fine. I’m a little tired and my gut is troubling me some, but I’m so glad to see you Nicky.”
Nick put the flowers in the vase and placed it on the dinning room table. “Are you sure?”
She waved her paws at him as if to shoo him away. “Don’t you worry, Rita comes by to check on me.”
“How’s she doing?” Nick asked as he pulled up a chair and sat next to her.
“Oh, she’s good. She gets pretty bored now since she retired. She asks about you all the time, you should go say hi to her. She still lives right up the street.”
“I will.” Nick fidgeted uncomfortably for a few moments before glancing at a small clock ticking on a nearby wall as she spoke again.
“So, I talked to Sally…”
Startled, Nick lurched up and nearly knocked over the chair before he blurted out, “Uhh, actually I should get going Ma.”
The older fox laughed. “I didn’t mean to scare you off Nicky.”
Nick rubbed the back of his neck and looked at the ground while he pushed the chair over to the table. “No, no you didn’t Ma. I’m on night patrol tonight and I gotta get to work soon.” She started to rise, but Nick motioned for her to stay seated.
“Don’t get up, you need to rest. I’ll call you tomorrow, ok?”
Nick leaned down and hugged her. She smiled and kissed him on the cheek. “I’m so proud of you.”
Nick smiled at her weakly. “Thanks Ma.”
“Don’t be a stranger Nick. It was good to see you.” As Nick turned to leave, she continued. “You should bring Judy by sometime.”
The smile on Nick’s face disappeared as he sighed. “Sure thing Ma. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
As Nick locked the front door and walked towards the transit station, he grumbled to himself, “I’m gonna kill you Sally.”
And then I went back to work. At least that was a good distraction, more or less. The first few night patrols weren’t too bad, until... that night. I’ve gone over it, endlessly imagining every “what if” and “I should have” as I go around and around in circles, but I can never conjure up that magic combination where everything comes out ok.
I was stuck on night patrol with Wolford, which went surprisingly well. He prattled on about nothing in particular, but he never expected me to join in on the conversation, which was fine by me. Plus he let me drive, unlike a certain bunny I know.
That night I was sitting in the car after shift, staring across the empty parking lot at headquarters and sipping my coffee while trying to think about anything besides how badly I wanted to call you, when you called me.
I almost spilled my coffee, I was so happy to see your face. Except you looked awful, like you’d been crying, and then I realized that you were calling me from your apartment, so you’d come home a few days early.
You tried to joke about how terrible the trip had been, how you’d caught a stomach bug from your sister, and how you’d tried, so very hard, to get to know the bunny your parents set you up with, but he’d turned out to be a real jerk. Then you started to tear up again as you talked about the blowout you’d had with your parents. For once I just listened, without cracking any jokes, as it all came tumbling out.
On the one paw, I felt so betrayed that you called me to talk about some other guy you’d apparently been dating, but I also couldn’t believe that you trusted me so much. As miserable as you were, I ached to just hold you and tell you it would be ok. I knew I’d get yelled at for turning in the car late, but it would be worth it.
When Nick arrived, he found Judy, wrapped in a light blue windbreaker, waiting for him at the entrance of her apartment building. He pulled up to the curb and Judy hopped in. Nick flashed her a devilish grin as she buckled her seatbelt, but she could only manage a weak smile in return. Nick pulled her in for a quick hug as he asked, “Where to, sweetheart?”
“Anywhere… just drive.” Judy clung to him for several moments before reluctantly pulling away as he let go of her and put his paws back on the wheel.
“You look awful, what’s wrong Carrots? Still sick? You better keep your bunny germs to yourself.” Nick relaxed as she chuckled and shook her head. “No promises,” she said as he pulled into the street and drove towards the freeway.
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Judy shiver and hug herself tightly. Nick turned on the heater as they lazily made their way up the onramp to the empty freeway.
“Thanks for coming to talk to me Nick. I just... don’t know where to start.” She trailed off and looked out the window as her ears twitched nervously.
Suddenly Judy shrieked, “Pull over!”
Nick slammed on the brakes and swerved into the shoulder as Judy fumbled with her seat belt.
“What is it?” He barely got the words out before Judy had opened the door and vomited onto the pavement.
A bright light washed over them. Nick glanced back, blinded by the glare, but even so it was obvious a semi truck was coming up fast, a little too far to the right….
Nick screamed, “Judy!” right before the truck clipped the back corner of the patrol car.
I was on autopilot when I called in a code 999 to the station after the impact smashed us into the guardrail. I couldn’t believe the radio worked, or that you were still breathing. Luckily you pulled your head back in the car when I yelled, but you weren’t buckled in. That’s the most afraid I’ve ever been, Judy. The look of terror on your face as that truck hit us felt like an icy stab to my heart, leaving me aching even now in a way I've never felt before.
Somehow Chief Bogo beat us to the hospital. I wanted to stay with you, but Bogo threatened to hold me down while they stitched me up. I reluctantly agreed to stop bleeding all over the place and let them work on me while he went to check on you.
When he finally found me again later in the ER, I remember the look Bogo gave me, a long hard look, as he slowly took off his glasses and put them in his front pocket.
Chapter 2
My mom used to say that troubles come in threes. I’m terrified that she might be right.
I couldn’t believe how many officers came to the funeral. I’m glad they did, otherwise the service attendance would have been pretty sparse. It was weird seeing everyone out of uniform, especially Chief Bogo. He told me to take as much time off as I needed, considering how rough the past few weeks had been.
I really feel for Bogo. It was bad enough that he had to watch me freak out while he listed all of your injuries: punctured lung, shattered tibias, ulnas, vertebrae, and several other things I can’t even remember, but he said you were stable. I could have cried when he said that last part, but instead I started to make a lame joke about how he could have saved time by telling me which parts of yours weren’t broken. Then I realized he was impatiently waiting to tell me something else, and it obviously wasn’t good news.
My mom’s friend Rita had called headquarters. She didn’t have my number, so it was the only way she could reach me. She’d found Ma when she came over to check on her. My mom was unresponsive, and Rita called an ambulance, but it was too late. I wish you could have met her, Carrots. I know she would have liked you. Maybe not right away, but she would have eventually.
“Thanks for coming.” Nick shook Clawhauser’s paw as the cheetah sniffled before pulling Nick into a crushing hug. “Hey careful now, or you’ll pop my stitches,” Nick said, and the cheetah let him go. After an incoherent blubbery farewell, Clawhauser followed the last of the ZPD officers to their cars.
Nick smiled as he heard her walk up behind him. Elephants weren’t known for their stealth, and in spite of her much smaller than average size, Rita was no exception.
“Hi Rita. I’m glad you could make it.” Nick looked down at his feet as she sat on the ground next to him.
“I wouldn’t have missed it, Nick. You and your mom are like family to me,” she said as she wrapped her trunk around his shoulders.
“It’s ok to cry, you know…” she trailed off as Nick turned to look at her through tear filled eyes.
Rita was such an amazing part of my life growing up. She’d watch me when Ma worked, and she always treated me like her own son. Just like Ma, Rita didn’t approve of my creative employment history, and disappointing her had been almost as bad as disappointing Ma.
It’s getting harder for me to avoid falling back into the same old patterns, especially on days like today. Before I used to always look for the easy way out of any tough situation, but there’s no shortcut this time.
Nick, dressed in a rumpled green hawaiian shirt and brown pants, casually wheeled a pink stroller down the sidewalk. He turned down an alley and made his way to a loading dock, where he waved lazily at a bear pushing a laundry cart before he wrestled the stroller up a short flight of stairs.
Wandering through darkened corridors and rooms stacked with boxes and supplies, Nick rolled the stroller into an open freight elevator. He pushed the fourth floor button and waited expectantly as the doors crashed shut and the elevator whisked him upwards.
Things are rough these days, I miss talking with you so much Judy. Sometimes I just want to walk away from it all and give up, like I’ve done so many times before. But I can’t, Carrots. You won’t let me.
Nick pushed the stroller down the hospital corridor and paused at the nurses station where a rhino eyed him suspiciously. Nick pulled a box of donuts from the carrying compartment of the stroller and placed it on the counter.
Nick winked at the rhino before speaking. “Here you go, Nurse Ratched, a dozen of Zootopia’s finest. That’s the nice thing about being a cop, we know where to get the best donuts.”
“I told you to stop calling me that, fox,” she bellowed after him as he continued down the hallway. She waited until he was out of sight before she hurried over to look inside the box.
It took awhile for your mom to warm up to me. She and your dad rushed to the hospital as soon they heard about the accident. Your dad eventually had to go back to the farm to keep things together there, but your mom refused to leave while you were still recovering.
However, before he left we found out you had a little surprise for all of us. I thought your mom was going to faint and I swear your dad nearly had a heart attack when the doctor told us, but at least I finally understood why you were having such a hard time talking to me that night.
Mrs. Hopps sat in a waiting room chair, humming quietly to herself as she crocheted a small pink blanket dotted with bright orange carrots. She looked quizzically at the stroller as Nick barged into the room.
Nick smirked at her. “Well, you know what they say, always be prepared. Besides, I had to go do something. Waiting around here would have driven me insane. Any word yet?”
Mrs. Hopps shook her head. “Still another hour before we’ll know anything.”
“How many times has Mr. Hopps called since I left?” Nick asked as he slumped down in a chair across from her.
Mrs. Hopps chuckled. “Only four… no wait, five times.”
“Can I get you anything?” Nick started to stand again, but Mrs. Hopps shook her head vigorously and motioned for him to sit. “No dear, I’m fine.” Nick settled back into the chair and stared vacantly at the clock on the wall as she continued working on the blanket.
The minutes ticked by glacially as Nick alternated between pretending to read a magazine and pacing back and forth.
Eons later, a small female rabbit dressed in scrubs walked briskly into the room. “Mrs. Hopps?”
Nick stopped pacing and Mrs. Hopps put the blanket down and stood as Dr. Avery continued.
“Judy is doing as well as can be expected and should be in recovery soon.” The corners of her eyes crinkled as she gave them a toothy smile. “ Are you ready to go say hello?”
Mrs. Hopps quickly followed the doctor from the room. Nick started to follow them, but paused uncertainly.
Over her shoulder Mrs. Hopps said, “Come on Nick, you too.”
She came early, just one lone kit, but she is absolutely gorgeous. I’ve never held a baby rabbit before. You should have seen your mother give her to me to hold for the first time, I thought her nose was going to twitch right off of her face.
She has your eyes, Judy.
Judy rested quietly on the hospital bed in a sea of flowers, balloons, and get well cards as Dr. Avery opened each of her eyes in turn and examined them with a silver penlight. She made a few notes on a clipboard before briefly checking Judy’s tracheal tube. Next to the bed, the ventilator droned on with a monotonous swish-click every 2.8 seconds.
Dr. Avery smiled at Nick and Mrs. Hopps. “I think we’ll be able to take her off the ventilator later today and let her breathe on her own. Once the general anesthesia wears off, we’ll just have to keep an eye on her and wait for her to improve.”
I can’t take my eyes off your face, ever since they took the breathing tube out. I keep trying to forget what your face looked like, in the days after the accident. The bruising was so bad... I may never be able to eat a blueberry again. But you look so much better now.
Except for the occasional beep from one of the monitors, the room was eerily quiet. Nick slouched in a chair, his head propped up on one arm so he could watch Judy’s face. Mrs. Hopps’ paws worked quietly as she finished the final stitches in the blanket.
“You know that she loves you.” Nick blinked. Mrs. Hopps had spoken so quietly, he barely heard her. He looked at her and saw that her paws were still as she stared at him. Her nose twitched once as her eyes filled with tears.
“Every time we talked, she told us about you. She couldn’t talk about anything else, before you took her to that fancy restaurant. She spent days agonizing over which outfit to wear.”
Mrs. Hopps looked down at her paws as she rubbed them anxiously. “And that all changed when she came home. If only we hadn’t pushed so hard…” Her shoulders heaved as she began to weep quietly. Nick moved to sit next to her as he put his paw gently on her back.
She smiled at Nick and dried her eyes on her sleeve. “She didn’t even know how you felt about her when she came home.” Mrs. Hopps looked at the ground as her ears flushed bright red.
Nick’s ears flattened against his head and he clasped his paws together in his lap. “What’s wrong, Mrs. Hopps?”
She squirmed without looking up and said, “I read Judy’s diary last night.”
Mouth agape, Nick stared at Mrs. Hopps for several seconds before jumping to his feet.
Nick paced and flailed his arms angrily as he spoke. “What? I‘m appalled… you read her diary? I can’t believe that you… you violated her privacy like that.”
After several more moments Nick regained his composure and sat next to Mrs. Hopps.
He looked at the ground sheepishly as he asked, “So, uhhh, what else did you read in her diary?”
Chapter 3
Well that was… tragically insightful.
I’m sorry that I grilled your mom to find out what you wrote in your diary without your permission. Normally I’d try to shift the blame away from me and point out that technically your mom is the main culprit here, but instead I acknowledge that I’ve broken your trust, and I apologize for that Judy.
I wish you had invited me to go with you to visit Bunnyburrow like you wanted to, but I probably would have been too afraid to go. I can say that I’d go now if you asked, so I guess that’s progress?
I’m sorry that I didn’t get the note you left to call you, and even more sorry I didn’t just call you anyway, but I’m also sorry in advance for the murder I’ll probably commit when I find out who didn’t give me the note you stuck on the case files that they took off my desk.
I hope we can talk about whatever happened between you and… what was his name… Irvin? Your mom was a bit vague with the details, but my understanding was that copious amounts of carrot wine were consumed by everyone involved. In addition, with all of the unresolved issues between us, plus the confusion caused by us not talking things over on the phone, plus the large side order of guilt from your parents, I can see why the situation is... complicated. Whatever happened, Judy, it doesn’t change how I feel about you. I just need to know if it changes how you feel about us.
I better wrap this up, because your mom will be back from feeding Little Carrots soon. She threw a fit the first time I called the baby that, but I’m sure I’ll wear her down eventually. Calling her Baby J is just too weird.
She’s growing so fast, and should be out of the ICU soon. Believe it or not, I’ve gotten pretty good at feeding her, though I have to practically wrestle her away from your mom to get a turn.
You gotta wake up and meet your daughter. She needs a name and… I need you.
Nick and Mrs. Hopps glared at each other across Judy’s bed.
“You can’t take Judy’s baby back to Bunnyburrow.” Nick leaned forward slightly, causing Mrs. Hopps to flinch and involuntarily take a step back. “She belongs here, with Judy.”
Mrs. Hopps crossed her arms. “Nick, be reasonable. This is no place to raise a baby. She gets out of the ICU tomorrow, and the doctor said she’s ready to go home. If Judy gets better…”
Nick cut her off coldly. “When. When Judy gets better.”
Mrs. Hopps nodded. “When she gets better, what then? I’ve been staying in her apartment… that’s no place for an infant. And Judy is going to need care too when she gets out of the hospital. Care that she can only get at home, with her family.”
Well, that conversation with your mom could have gone better. She did finally agree that we could talk about it more tomorrow, though I don’t see her changing her mind. I certainly see where your stubbornness comes from now.
I’ve got to go take care of something I’ve been putting off for awhile, but I’ll be back to talk to you soon.
Nick stared at the front door of his mom’s house, a key clutched tightly in his right paw. He sighed deeply before he stepped forward and unlocked the door.
He paused in the open doorway and took his sunglasses off, hanging them on his shirt pocket as he peered down the dark hallway. He walked slowly, reverently, as he touched things: a picture of him when he was five, his mom’s gray knit sweater hanging on a hook, a scratched wooden bench next to the kitchen doorway where, until he was a teenager, he’d proudly stood every birthday so his mom could mark his height.
He walked past the stairs and turned down another hallway, his paw trailing along the peeling green wallpaper. At the end of the hall was the open doorway to his mother’s bedroom, where he stood, his paws on his hips, as he took a careful survey. The room was crowded, filled with a large four poster bed, dresser, lamps, and an old steamer trunk, scattered among the smaller piles of his mother’s possessions. Nick sighed again as he took a tentative step into the room.
“You sure were a packrat, Ma,” he said as he walked over to her cluttered dresser. He looked at his reflection and noticed a small card tucked in the corner of the mirror. He gently plucked the card from the frame and shook the dust off before looking at it closely.
He chuckled at the lopsided heart drawn in crayon with the caption HAPPEE VALANTINZ DAAY scrawled underneath. His eyes welled with tears when he opened the card and read, I LUV YOU MA written in large, scribbly letters.
He was startled by a loud knock, followed by someone calling his name. Wiping his eyes on his arm, He tucked the card into his pocket as he made his way back to the still open front door, where he found Rita waiting. She was sitting down and craning her neck to look inside.
“I saw the front door was open and figured you were here. How are things?” Rita asked as she grabbed Nick with her trunk and pulled him in for a hug. Nick hugged her back and replied, “Oh you know, just sorting through Ma’s stuff.”
Rita nodded. “Have time to talk in the backyard for a bit?”
Nick nodded. “Sure. Can I get you anything?”
She shook her head as she disappeared around the corner of the house. “Just your company.”
Nick shut the front door and walked through the house to the large patio door, where he could see Rita already settling herself into an oversized lawn chair. The backyard was a shambles, the lawn overgrown and weedy. A small gray shed was barely visible among the overgrown bushes and trees along the back fence.
Nick opened the door and walked over to sit in a small chair near Rita. He put on his sunglasses as he stared out at the yard.
“Your mom used to hire a goat to come by every now and then to graze and trim. I’ll see if I can find his number.”
Nick smiled. “That would be nice.”
“How’s Judy?”
Nick shrugged. “Better. She twitches every now and then, but she’s still out.”
Nick paused for a few moments. “I’m still trying to wrap my head around...well… her parents. Why would they try to set her up with some bunny from overseas who was only visiting family for a few weeks? How exactly could that have worked out? And now they can’t even get in touch with him…” Nick trailed off.
“Sometimes parents do really dumb things, in a poor attempt to protect their kids from life.” Nick lifted his sunglasses and looked up at her quizzically as she continued. “It’s true. Take your mom, she used to spoil you rotten, waiting on you paw and foot… it’s a wonder you ever learned to be independent… maybe a little too independent.”
Nick barked out a quick laugh, then said somberly, “I should have been around for her more. Last month I even thought about moving back in here…” He stared down at his paws and shook his head.
Rita pulled his chair closer and draped her trunk over his shoulders as they listened to the cicadas buzz in the nearby trees.
I went by the house today, to start getting my mom’s things in order. That place is a minefield of regrets for me. I found a card I made for Ma when I was just a kid… I guess it reminded me of how terrible I’ve become at sharing my feelings, and there are some I need to share with you.
You believed in me when no one else did, and you taught this jaded fox to believe in himself. My whole life, I always worried, even when my glass was half full, that I’d end up with an empty one sooner or later, and I usually did, but only because I spent so much time sabotaging myself. Ever since I met you, I’ve broken out of so many unhealthy patterns. Somehow you just... make me want to be a better fox, simply by being around you. You opened the door, but you didn’t try to drag me through it. You just showed me the way, by being the only way you know how to be.
“I love you, Judy Hopps. I don’t know how I’ll do it, but I won’t let your mom take Little Carrots away.” Nick hugged her paw to his face and wept, his tears leaving dark splotches on the hospital sheets.
Holly . The word was barely a whisper, so quiet that Nick wasn’t sure that he’d even heard it. He slowly looked up, right into Judy’s violet eyes.
She spoke again, her voice trembling. “Her name is Holly.”
Nick lunged forward and hugged her close. He immediately regretted it when she yelled in his ear, “OW, NICK….ow. I hurt…. everywhere.”
Nick quickly let go of her and cringed away. “Sorry, oh my god Judy, I’m so sorry.”
She looked at him with drowsy eyes. “Also, it’s a journal, not a diary. Only you could annoy me enough to wake me out of a coma.”
Judy reached out with one arm and gently pulled him close as he laughed and cried at the same time.
She smiled as she leaned forward to kiss his forehead. “You foxes… you’re so emotional.”
Chapter 4
Judy heard Nick speaking quietly as she slowly came awake. “I like having you bunnies all to myself at night.”
Judy smiled and said, “You don’t have to whisper, I’m awake.”
“It’s about time you woke up. You hungry? Little Carrots sure was.”
Judy laughed as she turned on her side to look at Nick, who cradled Holly in his arms as he fed her a bottle. The little bunny’s ears swiveled and she looked at Judy as the hospital bed creaked.
Judy gasped, causing Nick to look up in alarm. “Are you ok, Judy?”
She nodded as she gave him a wide grin. “I’m just... amazed at how beautiful you two look together. And yes, I’m famished.”
It’s weird that it’s been so long since I last wrote in my journal, and yet it also doesn’t seem like anywhere near enough time has passed, given how much has changed in my life. I’m still trying to process the fact that I’m a mom now, with a gorgeous little girl. I just wish I would hurry up and heal, so I could take care of her and myself. I’m going stir crazy being stuck in this bed, and even with physical therapy every day I don’t feel like I’m getting better fast enough. Nick keeps telling me to be patient, but we both know that isn’t exactly one of my strengths. Also the skin under my casts is itchy, so very very itchy. I can scratch under the one on my left arm with a pencil, but the itches on my left leg that I can’t reach are driving me insane.
Ever since I complained about the hospital food a few days ago, Nick has been bringing me my favorite takeout when he comes by in the evenings. He’s been incredible through all of this, and he’s so wonderful with Holly, it just makes my heart ache to see him hold her. But I’m worried about him, he seems so tired lately, and there’s definitely something bothering him. I think I know what it is, but I’ll have to wait to talk to him about it, because right now he’s sleeping next to me in a chair and snoring with his tongue hanging out. He looks so adorable, I wish I had my phone so I could take a picture of him… which reminds me, I need to remember to ask my mom to bring it to me.
Nick finished changing Holly’s diaper and picked her up. “Since your mom is running late, I’ll help you feed Little Carrots before I go.”
“Well, it takes too long for me to get her situated, so I let my mom feed her in the morning…”
“Wait, what? Are you kidding me? Now I feel selfish for feeding her all the time at night.”
“It’s ok Nick, I love watching you feed her.”
“No way, Carrots, you deserve to get barfed on too.”
Nick helped Judy sit up as he put a pillow over her left arm. Holly whimpered pitifully.
“Oh Nick, it’s ok… look, she’s hungry.”
He shook his head. “She’ll be fine. I can’t believe your mom...”
Nick carefully put the small bunny in Judy’s lap so that she was propped up on the pillow.
“Ok... there we go Little Carrots… there. Does that feel ok, Judy?”
Judy nodded as Nick adjusted the pillow and gave her the bottle.
“Hey little bun, “ Judy said as Holly looked into her eyes and greedily gulped down her breakfast.
Nick smiled as he reached over to adjust Judy’s paw slightly. “There you go… just hold the bottle up a little more, so she doesn’t suck in air. Now you’ve got it.”
Nick was such a sweetheart, and so patient. I freaked out when Holly started to choke after one of my twitchy ears surprised her, but Nick assured me he had the same problem when he was first learning to feed her. I had him ring the nurse anyway, and she checked Holly over and declared that she was just fine.
Apparently my parents were able to finally track down Irvin. When they talked to him, the only thing he kept asking was, “Are you sure it’s mine?” Seriously? What kind of bunny does he think I am… also, thanks for being so concerned about how I’m doing after the accident, jerk.
Though I am the dumb bunny who got drunk and slept with this guy, when I should have high tailed it back here instead. Ok, I could let my brain go over and over this yet again, like a hamster stuck in a wheel, but all of that doesn’t matter now. I need to figure out how to talk to Nick about it.
“I can hear your ears twitching from here, Carrots. I don’t know what’s so important…” He trailed off as Judy looked up from writing in her journal and started to cry.
Nick jumped up to sit next to her on the bed. “What is it Judy? What’s wrong?”
Her ears drooped and she looked down at her paws. “I’m sorry, I’m just...it’s… Irvin. I need to talk to you about him. I’m not sure where to start.”
Nick blurted out, “Do you love him?” Judy flinched and looked up at Nick.
“What? Oh god Nick, the look on your face right now… no, no I don’t love him. It was just a dumb, stupid, impulsive thing, and I’m so sorry. I don’t know if you can ever forgive me.”
He pulled her in for a hug and she clung to him as she wept. “It’s ok Judy. You’re beating yourself up over nothing. It wasn’t like we… well, you don’t need my forgiveness, for anything.”
“Oh Nick, I’m really sorry, I know I hurt you. I don’t deserve you…”
“Shhhh, Carrots, it’s ok. And if it’s any consolation, I don’t deserve you either.”
Judy chuckled and wiped her eyes. “It’s true, you deserve better.”
Nick pulled away from Judy and gazed into her violet eyes. “That isn’t what I meant. Let me be abundantly clear about this, Judy Hopps. I love you, and that’s all that matters.” He pulled her close and she snuggled against him.
“Thank you Nick. I love you too.”
That went unexpectedly well. The look on Nick’s face, when he asked me if I loved Irvin… he looked almost as frightened as he did right before that truck hit us. I wish he’d told me this was eating at him. We should have talked about it sooner.
After he held me awhile, he asked me something that surprised the hell out of me. He said he didn’t want an answer right away, but he’s been fixing up his mom’s house and he wants me and Holly to move in with him. He made me promise to just think about it and wait to see the place before I make a decision.
He has to work a double shift today, and I already miss him. He’ll come by with dinner, but he can’t stay with us tonight. I understand now why he’s been so exhausted lately, and I told him to take it easy, and that I can’t wait to see the house. Now I really need to get better, so I can go see what he’s been up to and also feel like less of a burden on him.
“If he loves you, Judy, he’ll understand that your daughter has to come first. You and Holly need to be under the supervision of doctors who know how to care for rabbits. This is a fine hospital, but they don’t know as much about rabbits as the bunny doctors at Triburrow Hospital do.”
Judy shook her head. “Mom, we’re not leaving the city.”
Mrs. Hopps wrung her paws. “Judy, be reasonable. I heard what happened this morning from the nurse. I’m appalled that the staff here doesn’t seem to know how dangerous it is for baby bunnies to get milk in their lungs. I've raised hundreds of kits, so I know what can happen from firsthand experience. What if she gets pneumonia?”
Judy’s ears drooped as she looked over at Holly sleeping in the bassinet, as her mom continued. “And what about you? I think they’re pushing you too hard in physical therapy, and it’s causing more harm than good. Do you feel like you’re getting better, Judy?”
I have to admit, my mom does have a point. And I feel so guilty after feeding Holly this morning. I mean, what do I know about raising kits? I just want to do what’s best for her. The nurse did say that young bunnies are particularly susceptible to problems if liquid gets in their lungs… what if I’m wrong for wanting to stay here?
And if I transfer, would it give Nick a break? He’s been running himself ragged, between taking care of me, and working, and fixing up the house. It’s not like I’d be gone forever… I just don’t know what to do.
Nick paced the room as he spoke. “Don’t you dare use me as an excuse to make this decision for you. You think I’m exhausted now… just so you know, I’d commute five hours a day to headquarters, if it means I can be with you and Holly. Or I’d quit my job and move to Bunnyburrow and be a cop there, or bake pies or sell frozen carrots or whatever I have to do to be with both of you. Don’t you get it? It’s Irvin all over again, Judy. Your parents will never stop until they...overprotect the life right out of you. And you keep talking about what’s best for Holly. Does she deserve to grow up being afraid of life?”
“Nick that isn’t fair… I mean look at me.” Judy gestured at herself, “I still can’t even go to the bathroom by myself. I… I can’t even take care of my daughter…”
“I’m here to help you, Judy. Every single officer at the ZPD has offered at least ten times to help. Hell even Rita, someone you haven’t even met, has offered to help in any way she can. We aren’t going to take care of you like your mom does, though. We’re gonna help you remember how to take care of yourself.”
Judy looked at Holly sleeping in her bassinet as he continued. “Look, Judy, it’s a marathon, not a sprint. Your body is still healing, so give yourself time to recover. I know if anybunny can do it, you can. It won’t be easy, but I believe in you, Judy.”
“But how Nick? How do you know I’ll get better?”
Nick sat next to her on the bed and held her paws in his.
“When I went to the academy, there were so many times that I wanted to throw in the towel and give up. All my self doubt… the first few weeks were the worst, but there was one thing that helped me hang in there.”
Nick pulled Judy’s carrot pen from his pocket and waved it at her. “Without this, I never would’ve made it through to the end, Judy.”
Nick stood up and gently placed it on the table next to the bed.
“I think you need it more than I do right now. I wish I could stay, but I gotta run, Judy, or I’ll be late for shift.” He walked over to the bassinet and kissed Holly on the head as she slept, causing her to stretch and sigh. “We’ll talk more when I come back tomorrow.” Nick leaned over and quickly kissed Judy on the cheek, and then he was gone.
Judy picked up the pen and looked at it for several seconds before she pressed the button on the side.
A recording of her voice played from the pen: I know you can do it.
Chapter 5
I get it, mom. Like most bunnies, you make choices based on fear, even when there isn’t anything to be afraid of. Like you said, you and dad settled hard, but I don’t have to, and I certainly don’t want Holly to either. I had a long talk today with Dr. Avery, the bunny who delivered Holly, and found out that we have quite a bit in common, since she grew up in the Triburrow area too. You should talk to her if you get the chance.
As Nick walked into the hospital room, Judy looked up at him and demanded, “Alright, where is it?” before going back to furiously scratching her left leg.
“Sorry Carrots, you’re gonna have to be a bit more specific and tell me what it is. And aren’t you supposed to be stretching that leg, instead of trying to tear the fur off of it?”
“I’m talking about the book Dr. Avery recommended...”
Nick laughed as he interrupted her. “Ohhh, yeah, I’m still reading it. It’s back at the house… do you seriously think I’m going to carry Bunnies: What to Expect the First Year around with me? When I got it at the bookstore, the cashier asked me if I was raising my own food.”
Judy laughed and shook her head. “You’ve got a wisecrack for everything, don’t you?”
Nick sat next to Judy as she tentatively flexed her foot to stretch the muscles in her leg. “At least the leg brace is less itchy than the cast, right Carrots?”
Her ears drooped. “But I have to use the crutches too.” Judy sighed as she started scratching her leg again.
“It’s either that or I carry you around everywhere. Don’t worry, you won’t need them for long.”
Judy put the brace back on her leg before she pulled her carrot pen out of her pocket. “Nick, I just wanted to say...thanks. For everything.” She held the pen out to him.
“No, you hang on to it, there’s still plenty of paperwork to sign before we can break you and Little Carrots out of here.” Nick smiled as he hugged her. “And I didn’t do anything, except give back a tiny bit of what you’ve given me.”
Nick bought a cute little teal four door VW Rabbit for us to drive around town, which will definitely make life easier. He said he’s almost got the garage cleared out, so we’ll be able to get it out of the driveway soon. It’s weird, but I’ve never lived in a house with a garage before.
I guess I’m getting ahead of myself, since I promised Nick I wouldn’t make up my mind until I’d actually seen the place, but… seriously, I know it will be great, and he’s worked so hard to get it ready. Still, it’s cute seeing how nervous he is, even if he hides it well.
“Can I pleeeease open my eyes now?”
The wheelchair stopped moving and Judy could feel Holly squirm in her arms. “Yes, we’re here.”
Judy opened her eyes and gasped.
“Oh Nick, it’s beautiful. Though...”
The room was small and filled with bright light, which illuminated the carrot curtains, carrot wallpaper, a carrot mobile over a carrot shaped crib with carrot sheets. Even the light switch looked like a little carrot...
“Where did you find carpet with carrots on it?”
“Is it too much? I mean, there were so many carrot themed things at the stores...”
Judy smiled. “No, it’s perfect, Nick. It’s true, we bunnies do like carrots. Except frozen ones, you wouldn’t do well selling those because they’re gross.”
“I appreciate you helping me avoid a disastrous career change.”
“And I appreciate you fixing things up for us here, Nick.” Judy looked down at Holly snuggled in her lap, her nose twitching as she looked around the room. “ What do you think, little bun, ready for us to move in here?”
“Wait, don’t you want to see the rest of the house before you decide?”
Judy gently pulled on Nick’s tie until he bent down so she could wrap her arms around his neck and kiss him. “What, yes isn’t a good enough answer for you?” Holly reached out and tried to grab Nick’s whiskers as he smiled.
I wonder if I shouldn’t eat any carrots, until Nick notices, just to mess with him? I really do like them though, so I don’t know if teasing him is worth the deprivation. And with my luck he’d either not notice, or he’d figure out what I was doing and start messing with me. The room really is beautiful, and he put so much effort into getting the whole house ready for us.
Judy sat in a porch swing holding Holly. Above her a large sign with the words HAPPY BELATED BUNNY SHOWER made crinkly noises in the gentle breeze.
As Nick walked towards Judy, he waved at Mr. and Mrs. Hopps as they disappeared around the side of the house.
Nearby Rita talked to Clawhauser, who was hovering over the remnants of a pink sheet cake.
Nick plopped down on the swing and put his sunglasses on as Judy spoke. “I really like Rita.”
“Yep, she and my mom are the only reason I have any redeeming qualities whatsoever.”
Nick smiled as he continued. “It was great meeting a few dozen of your brothers and sisters and their families. And your parents seem like they’re… adjusting.”
Nick glanced over at Rita and Clawhauser before he noticed Judy staring at him with an odd look on her face.
Nick smirked at her. “Whatchya looking at, Carrots?”
“Just trying to see if I can figure out what you’re thinking about right now.”
Nick chuckled. “Sweetheart, you’ll never be able to read this poker face. Well, except maybe that one tell I have...” He paused and waited, his mouth twitching as he tried not to grin. After several long, silent seconds, Judy sighed.
“Is it the one where you pause awkwardly like you’re thinking, but you’re really doing it just to annoy me?”
Nick laughed as he lifted his sunglasses to wink at Judy. “Nope. It’s the one where I look at you holding Holly, but I'm thinking about how much I love you both.”
“Awwww, you dork, I don’t think that’s how tells work. But we love you too.”
Judy turned around and scooted backwards to snuggle against Nick as he wrapped his arms around her and Holly.
Judy’s voice was almost a whisper. “Promise me you won’t wait until I’m in a coma to talk to me, ok?”
“I promise that we’ll have plenty of wonderful, crazy, and uncomfortable conversations, Carrots. But only if you promise to talk to me instead of making me hear things indirectly from your mom after she reads your diary, because that’s going to start getting really awkward.”
Judy’s ears turned bright red. “I told you, it’s a journal, not a diary. It’s a Moleskine, for pete’s sake.”
“Those poor moles who died for your diary.”
“It’s not made from the skins of moles, you idiot.”
For several minutes Nick lazily rocked the swing back and forth.
“I could easily fall asleep here holding you, but I’m going to go rescue some of that cake from Clawhauser and see if I can get him to take the rest home, preferably soon. Want anything?”
Judy shook her head and smiled. “Just for you to come right back.”
I know I should be thankful that things turned out the way they did, though it hasn’t been easy. I think Nick summed it up best when he said, “Sometimes the prettiest flowers grow from the stinkiest piles of crap.” He’s such a poet.
“I hear her coming down the hall. Now’s your chance, come on Little Carrots, say Nick. Nnnnnniiiiiickkkk.” Holly mumbled and kicked her feet as she chewed on her paw.
Judy, balanced on forearm crutches, looked at them through the doorway. “You know, I’ll never forgive you if she says Nick before she says mama.”
“What? I can’t help it if she knows who loves her more.”
Judy rolled her eyes. “I’ll get her food ready, but I get to feed her.”
“Hey, I’m changing her diaper... why do you get to do all the fun stuff?”
Nick’s ears twitched as he listened to Judy carefully make her way down the hall and into the kitchen as he finished changing Holly’s diaper. When he heard the fridge door open, he leaned in close to Holly and said, “Ok Little Carrots, say mama. Mammmma.”
Bonus Addendum
Well, it’s been fun folks. Please comment here and/or over on reddit (same username). For some insane reason, I’m actually contemplating a sequel and/or different stories set in the Zootopia universe, but it won’t be for some time because school finals are rapidly approaching. Thanks to everyone who left comments or caught errors!
Some jokes that didn’t make it into the story, but I feel I should share anyway: