Cover art by Ray

Through My Eyes

--Neigeux

I did not ever remember the day that I was found. I do not have have memories of anything that had happened before that, nor of the time itself, so the pack was the beginning of my life. I had fallen in the snow, on a journey that I do not recall. I was freezing to death, and I must have succumbed to the cold.

Then, they found me. A pack of many wolves. They surrounded me, and the oldest dug me out of the snow. They spoke, and I am sure I shivered from the cold, but more from fear. These were wild animals, and I must have been afraid. I had never known such creatures. Then, one wolf stepped forward and said something. I know this because I was told. He resented me. They may have killed me, used me as their food, or fed me to their pups. But then, another stepped forward and silenced the black wolf. He was to be my watcher. And I know all this because he told me, my watcher.

I called him my father. He did not mind. The one thing I did know, however, was that I was a husky, not part wolf at all. Even to this day, I still ponder why they let me live. So, I was taken in, and Kamotz named me Neigeux, a word that means “snow.” It was what I had been nearly killed in, after all. I lead a happy life. I learned to hunt and become a wolf. But I was only a wolf on the inside. Never would I look like one.

The pups would taunt me, calling me, at every moment. Most of them would call me “Husky,” instead of Neigeux. It angered me, and at times, I would bite them. It made me feel good, and yet ashamed. Each time I punished them, they would cry out – that is what made me feel good. I was able to put forth the cowards inside of them. The part that made me feel bad was Kamotz’ attitude. He never praised me, he only rebuked me. I knew I had to prove myself worthy to the pack, but first to Kamotz.

Well, there was this wolf that Kamotz was great friends with. Her name was Maple, and she happened to be one of the very few who did not ever scoff at the thought of a husky joining the pack. She even seemed to like me, which was a relief. So far, she was the only wolf in the pack who seemed to like me, because she wanted to. I think Kamotz only felt compassion for me, because he had to. But I did not know that he was not my father at the time, and I never asked him about it.

My friends were Kamotz and Maple. My enemies were the entire pack, but mostly four of the yearling pups. Tallpines, Stone, Bough and Yellow-Lark were the ones who enjoyed calling me names. I can still remember the day that I notched Yellow-Lark’s ear. To my disappointment, everyone barked at me. I was told to sit beneath a tree, and never move until I was told to. It had been very boring, and I made it slightly more enjoyable by watching the birds and the butterflies zip about the clearing.

Then, I overheard Kamotz talking to the leader, Quivering Arrow. He seemed to be pleading whole-heartedly to him, about me. It sounded as if he were begging to allow me to stay! At the time, I had not known that I had been taken in by the pack, I had thought I was a mixed-breed member of them. Now, I was hearing that I was to be “Returned to the wild,” and left to fend for myself! How could they change my life, like this? I began to turn away, and was met by Yellow-Lark and her followers.

“Is the husky going to run away?” Yellow-Lark began to tease me, and I couldn’t help but bare my teeth.

Then, Bough and Tallpines joined in, growling. So, they wanted a fight, did they? I had decided that I would give it to them. “Did you hear? Quivering Arrow is trying to dispose of you,” Tallpines snarled.

I couldn’t help but to break down, right there. No, I would not fight. I would run! So I did. I turned my back on them, and I fled. I knew that I was going to have to learn how to survive in the wild, but I didn’t care. All I wanted was to be far away from the wolves who had hated me so. I stayed beneath a cliff, and I ate the berries of the bushes surrounding me. But thoughts of Kamotz and Maple kept swirling through my head. I knew I would never forget the times that I had lived among them, the times I had lived in a wolf pack. But I would never return.

Then, one day, I was scavenging for something new to eat, besides the usual berries, which were almost gone by then. I remember hearing the leaves rustling, but I thought nothing of it. I knew it was just some animal, creeping through the undergrowth and I ignored it. Then, the sound came louder. Alone, I was not very strong, and I suddenly realized that the scent was very unfamiliar. I shivered. Then, I must have wished Kamotz was with me. As I stood, I heard a loud noise, a sort of howling, or baying. Some type of dog was coming, I knew it. It must have been a long way off, but I was suddenly in the air, when another scent came to me. I had heard about it before, something the wolves called “Man.” I knew I had to run.

I turned, and ran the only way I knew to run – home. Home with Kamotz and Maple, home where I grew up. Home, where I thought I would be safe. As I ran, I noticed crushing behind me, the baying coming closer and closer, the Man’s footsteps coming louder and louder. And on all sides, the smell of animals. Small dogs, with bone-crushing jaws were closing in one me. I ran straight, tripping over rocks and tangling vines. I even fell once. Thank my instincts that I was far enough ahead, or I would have been consumed in the fire the Mans held. I darted onward, reaching familiar territory. I only knew that Kamotz would save me – save me from the Mans, and save me from the ridicule that I had to endure.

Then, I was thrown into a clearing. And there, before me was the pack. The white wolves, the grey wolves, the tan ones, and the brown wolves were all there. But they must have heard the hounds coming, because they were scattering. I looked around. Where was my father? Where was Maple?

Then, I saw Kamotz. He was standing with a group of frightened pups, and he seemed to be directing them, trying to get them to run. The pups ran, and Kamotz whirled about, checking the clearing. His eyes soared right over me, and stopped abruptly on Maple. Maple was limping and she was short of breath. She howled something, but I could not hear over the Mans’ fire. Kamotz looked pitiful. His head drooped, and he sighed. He looked around, and told Maple that every one was leaving. Maple nodded and stood. As she limped toward Kamotz, the grey wolf’s eyes finally swooped over me, and he paused. His jaws opened, and he stood, staring at me. He recognized me, and he looked utterly horrified.

I could tell he was angry, as well as frightened. He stood the entire time Maple was coming closer, and they both approached me. They both came closer, and we all looked at one another. Kamotz hung his head to let me know he was sorry. And I knew he was. Then, a burst of fire rang through the clearing, and we all bolted. Kamotz pleaded that Maple should go on ahead. Maple sportingly agreed, and she rushed off. Kamotz gave the clearing one last sniff and a look, then he turned. Wolves were scattered everywhere. Bursts of fire were coming from everywhere. Kamotz jumped in the air to avoid where he thought he heard one come from. One of the Mans must have seen him, through the hazy smoke of the fire, because another burst shot forward, and Kamotz fell. I thought he would rise again, but, as tiny specks of water began to fall, I saw him lying still. I thought he must be faking it, and I approached him, but I smelled something about him that told me otherwise. I stopped, and allowed the rain to fall on me. I was soaked through, and my eyes were clouding. My tears fell, and they mixed in with the rain.

I approached him again, calling him by the name I had always called him, “Father.” I repeated his name, and he looked p at me, a low growl emitting from his throat. I knew the Mans had left, because no more fire was burning and no more sound came forth. I bent my head, and Kamotz looked me over. He looked angry, as if he thought I had meant for this to happen. Maybe he thought that I had bought them here, for my revenge, in return for the terrible treatment that I had received from the pack. But this was not true. I could not help myself, and I howled, loudly, not bearing the terrible pain in my stomach. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t see, I couldn’t feel. I could hardly howl to him.

Kamotz was still looking at me, as if he were deciding to by angry, or to forgive me. I wanted neither. He sighed, heavily, and I looked at him, knowing that it was time for him to leave. I placed my paw over his muzzle, and when I lifted it, he smiled at me. It was the first time that I can still remember, that he had ever smiled at me. I smiled back. Kamotz closed his eyes, breathed in my scent one last time, and then all was still. The only thing that moved was the downpour of rain… the silvery color of the bullets of fire shot by the Mans.

So I began to live outside of the pack, foraging for food, like I had before the accident. I still refer to it as “The accident,” even to this day. I have not been allowed to re-enter the pack. I actually had tried, one dismal, grey morning. The wolves’ eyes were hostile, and I felt very overwhelmed beneath their stares, and even feared them. I never did see Maple amongst the wolves, and I have not tried to become a member. I lived alone.

Well, now my life is entirely different. I finally have come across a path that leads me onward. I now live in two Mans’ home, and with a small pup, which some Mans refer to as the “child.” My leaders call him Barn. I have been assigned a name, as well. Though I prefer to be known as Neigeux, my leaders always call me “Teteoken.” Sometimes they just call me “Teteo.”

Then, there is my new friend. The Mans talk about him, sometimes, and call him a “German-shepherd and malamute mix.” He is a grizzled brown, with the tips of his fur being grey. He is a rather silent creature, and goes by the name of Alp, after the mountains… like home. Alp may be quite silent, though he does not ever seem to mind my company. I had told him about my life, as a wolf, and he always listened very carefully, I could almost hear my voice echoing through his mind. Alp would always ask me about Kamotz and Maple. He was always very interested in hearing about the pack. So I told him everything. 

I told him about my growing into a husky, and how my enemies were made, and how my friends were spotted out of the pack. I told him of my small adventures, such as my first hunt, and even about the time I had notched Yellow-Lark’s ear. And I told him about my mistake, about the Mans, and the fire. I told him of my fear. And he understood, Alp would nod, and look toward the mountains, almost wistfully.

Now, I am about four years of age, and Alp is almost five. We already have plans of our own. I remember watching the pups in the clearing, playing. I had wanted to know what the life of a mother was like. And now I was to learn it. One thing is for certain. Two of our pups will go by the names of Kamotz, and Maple.

Now, I know that I will watch with joy as they romp and play, I will watch with pride as they learn to pull the heavy sled they are destined to carry. I will watch with sorrow as they depart on their own journeys. And then, I shall truly know, what the wolf is like. And I will tell them of my story, about how I became a wolf, and fought side-by-side with the one I thought had been my father. Then, I will tell them the story of my homecoming, where I finally found the place that I would lay to rest, where my true home is. And I will tell them, the story of their story, how, even if the blood is not in them, they can be a wolf, too. A wild creature of the mountains, and the valleys and the streams and rivers. And how they will grow and lead their own lives, too. How we all change and learn and teach. And how I, Neigeux, became a wolf.