Monty Python sledding circus

Act 1:

Scene 1:

[Voice from off screen]:

“Alaska, Seward Peninsula, Nome area. December 1929.”

[We see Google Earth, that is focusing on Seward Peninsula, zoom in to Nome. Again, voice from off screen]

“I SAID: 1929!”

[Then we see, we are watching on computer screen. From off screen coming a hand with hammer, hits the monitor and breaks it. Broken monitor is thrown away and the same hand puts very old map on table. Narrator continues.]

“Alaska, Seward Peninsula, Nome area. December 1929. Remote town of Alaskan North, still rebuilding itself after plague of diphtheria four years earlier. Traditional community, based on ways of old…”

[cut to series of black-and-white pictures: 1) Gunnar Kaasen with his sled and dogs. 2) Duke next to his plane 3) Duke running away from town, numerous citizens throws tomatoes on him. In the background plane is burning.]

“…is lazily spending its winter among snowed mountains.”

[Cut to black and white picture: several Nome citizens around the campfire on snowed plain. They are roasting hunted caribou on spit]

“Far from the rush of south states, isolated from usual Americans activities of that time, like surviving the Great Depression …”

[Cut to black and white pictures: poor town of one of south states (less snow and more urban landscape). Numerous citizens of that town around a campfire. The campfire is fueled by valueless shares. On spit a sled dog (some husky resembling Kodi) is being roasted. Citizens are looking on it with hunger in their eyes.]

“…They are living their calm lives. However the shades of past are about to return.”

[Again picture of several Nome citizens around the campfire on snowed plain. Then next pictures, where we see those people coughing and holding their bellies with painful stares.]

“The plague is back!” [Dramatic music, like from MP’s sketch “Spanish Inquisition”.

[Cut to snowed landscape. In whiteout weather we barely see the sea shore and Balto’s boat. On screen we see inscription in some futuristic looking font, like “Courier” or “Verdana”]

“64°30’36’’ North, 165°20’08’’ West”

[Voice from off screen]: “1929, God dammit!”

[hand from off screen writes new inscription with quill; the font looks very anachronistic, like “old English”]: “All right, all right.”

“Alaska. We have no bloody idea where exactly”

[Zoom in to boat. We see Jenna entering the boat and looking for Balto. She steps on snow on board. In snow lay many empty vials. On one vial we could read [Diphtheria Serum]. There are also used syringes. Jenna enters boat’s cabin.

Balto is lying on pile of furs with eyes wide open and vacant stare, pupils of his eyes are unnaturally extended. From his lips saliva is dropping. It seems he is high on some psychoactive substance. More used syringes. Jenna seems not to notice it.]

J: “Balto, Balto, wake up!” [Balto is half-awaken, but doesn’t react. Jenna hits wolfdog with paw. He just smiles wider and more saliva drops from his mouth.] “It’s not funny! We’re in really need.”

[Balto closes his mouth, narrows his eyes and slowly turning his head down to see empty vials. His jaws drop down.]

B (slowly and very quiet): “I guess I’m in need too.”

J: “Balto, I’m serious. Another plague is coming and someone broke to Doc’s house and stole serums!”

B (still quietly, he seems not comprehend everything): “That’s terrible!”

J: “You must go to Nenana, my love.”

B: “Yeah, sure.”

J: “Now!”

B: “Oh, right… Give me a sec.”

[Balto slowly overcomes his dizziness and set off to door out. He misses the door and hits with head in wall. Jenna gently guides him out.]

Scene 2:

[Pompous music, Balto is going thought snow in Nome direction. In background we see half-sheer shapes of map (like in old adventure-films). But Balto and Jenna are coming and coming, while map of Nome area (scaled about 1:100 000) is still. Voices from off screen.]

A: “Why they don’t move on map?”

B: “It’s too small distance. Just wait.”

[Jenna and Balto reach town. On main street there is already prepared sled-team. We see Star, Kaltag and Nikki, already harnessed in. They welcome Balto with cheering barks.]

S: “Look, it’s boss! That it the smartest, the fastest, the bravest…” [Kaltag is attempting to hit Star as always, but in last second smaller dog put on bowl-like looking British Army helmet. Kaltag hit the steel and yells with pain.] “…dog on this latitude!”

B: “Nice too see you guys!” [To the screen: “Although I barely see a thing.”]

[He stops before Gunnar Kaasen and musher harnesses him. Balto still looks loaded and not too sober.]

J: “Take care, Balto! You must get that serum!”

B [looking on empty vial with craving stare and face of druggist]:  “I know, my love!”

Gunnar Kaasen: “Mush!”

[Team starts. Balto is leading with very uncertain steps. He hobbles few times, but then regain his pace. Sled enters the road and soon disappears behind hills.

Kodi comes to his mother. Jenna turns to him.]

J: “So they are out. But he will back. He always returns.”

K: “Yeah, but mostly after midnight.”

[Cut to map-view. We see old map of Seward Peninsula. From Nome starts a dot representing Balto’s sled. It runs directly… west. After several seconds/kilometers:]

S (Quietly and uncertainly): “E… boss… are you sure we are going right way?”

B (indistinctly): “What?”

S: “Nenana. It is on east… Or at least was when I was going there last time.”

B: “Aren’t we running east?”

S: “No, boss.”

B: “Crap!”

[Dot stops, then starts to go east. It returns to Nome.]

J (very surprised): “Balto… you are back! So quick… Do you have serum!?”

B (shameful voice): “No, it’s nothing. Just a simple navigational error…”

[Cut to map of Kenya. We hear voice from off screen that belongs to Zazu of The Lion King (voiced by Rowan Atkinson)]

Z: “That is my quote, you half-hyena!”

[Cut back to map of Alaska]

B (angrily): “Shut up! Besides I have nothing to do with hyenas. Those are not canines, but felines!”

[Cut back to map of Kenya. Voice of Simba of TLK (Matthew Broderick)]

S: “I beg your pardon?”

[Cut back to map of Alaska]

B: “All right, right. I’m sorry. And I must go. Bye Jenna!”

[Dot starts again, now in Nenana direction.]

Scene 3:

[Slope of snowed mountain. Hand from off screen (“A-Hand”) starts to write coordinates, but another hand (B-Hand) hit the first one then they disappears both. But after few more second A-Hand writes in “old English” font.

“Bear Mountain Range. Still no bloody idea what our coordinates are.”

[Zoom in to brink of forest. Lower is sloppy clearing where Balto’s team is running. On brink of forest stands Steele and is watching on sled with hateful stare.]

S (with his usual devilish voice): “So, we meet again. Time for my vengeance came. Balto, I will repay you this time.” [He looks into screen and continues to audience.] “Of course, under condition that author of this sketch have some realistic approach to the plot. Because if he is following typical “heroic scheme”, I – as the main villain – have no chance to kill Balto.” [His voice changes to be softer and more reproachful.] “I have tried countless times! Fight muzzle to muzzle, ambush, luring him to swamps and to hunting areas. Once I even almost lured him to Al Gore, who tried to save his species by locking him in zoo. But all have failed. Each time something disturbed me, some blasting deus ex machina action that had to prove I’m bad guy and Balto is good. Do you thing it’s fair?”

[Cut to map of Kenya. Voice of Scar of TLK (Jeremy Irons).]

Sc (with usual perfect English accent of villain): “You are right, my friend! It’s bloody unfair.” [Cut back to mountain.]

S: “So, I got an idea. If all my efforts failed, doesn’t matter how long I plan it, I decided to improvise. I will attack Balto with easiest method I could imagine and see what would happen. If author make me fail again, he is real dork!” [Steele laughs evilly.] “Now, die Balto!”

[He forms small snowball and throws it down. It starts to roll and cause an avalanche.]

S: “So, it’s already started. Now, we will see. Tell me, stupid author – what error I’ve done today? What stupid mistake? What I neglected?” [Avalanche becomes stronger. Snow starts to slide down.] “”Ha! I thought about everything!”

[Suddenly snow around Steele, moved by trembling of avalanche, starts to slide down too.]

S: “Finally I succeeded my villainy! I’m the first animated hero in history who did his revenge and get away…”

[Wave of snow takes Steele away. Camera is still pointed on place where he has been standing. Voice from off screen: “Crap!”. Fade to black.]

Act 2

Scene 1:

[Streets of Nome, three days later. Kodi, Dusty, Kirby, Bart and Ralph are standing on town square, some citizens walk in background. Jenna comes with grave stare and coming closer to Kodi.]

J (sad voice): Haven’t they return?

K: No yet, mom. But Morse is listening to any transition from Nenana. He will tell us, when he hear something important.

[Cut to Morse, lying inside post office, under desk with telegraph. Some Morse-code transmission is heard in background. Dog lays still.

Cut to black-and-white move. Shot of German WW2 Uboot from distance. Zoon in, cut to inside, to kiosk of submarine. We see Uboot captain with long beard and in old jumper. He looks like Jürgen Prochnow in “Das Boot”. Next to him stands scary looking like Gestapo officer that is giving captain an “Enigma” code-machine.

Gestapo Officer: Captain, please broadcast the report. [captain receives machine and waits for message] The eagle has landed. Repeat: the eagle has landed.

[Cut back to post office. Morse is still lying without any motion. Cut to dark, obscure room where numerous maps are on wall. Several Korans are there, because of uniforms we see those are northern Koreans. One of them turns to be Kim Il-sung. He broadcast some Morse-code message.

Cut to some obscure cave. There are several people in Arabic cloths, Taliban looking like. One of them turns out to be Osama bin Laden. He listens the message.

Cut back to Nome post office. Morse is still lying calm, ignoring the message.

Cut to alien space ship. Aliens (X-files looking like “Greys”) are broadcasting their message too. Cut to view of Imperial Star Destroyer. Zoom in on bridge. Darth Vader is receiving signal, panting dreadfully.

Cut back to Nome postoffice. Morse is still lying indifferently.

Cut to similar post office in Nenana. Nenana postman is broadcasting his message. “No sled reached Nenana in past 48 hours. Stop. No sled…” Cut to Nome post office. Morse is raising his ears and opens his eyes with excitation. He barks and runs out to dogs outside.]

M: We’re doomed! They’re lost!

[Cut to tropical landscape of desolated island. Modern crashed airplane is in background. On beach Balto and Steele are sitting in front of campfire. Cut back to Nome.]

M: No, I mean they are really lost. Their team hasn’t reached Nenana yet.

[Kodi, Dusty, Kirby, Bart and Ralph sigh with fear.]

K: Oh, my God! We must save them!

Ki: And save our humans! The plague is harvesting it’s crops. For now over twenty people died due to diphtheria! [In upper right corner of screen appears the inscription with number “20”] 20 nor now and it’s still growing. [In the background one of walking citizens falls on the ground, shivers in tremor. Then dies with painful expression on face. Number in upper-right window changes to 21.] We must to and find them!

Random man in background: Ueeeegh! [falls down and dies. Number changes to 22]

K: Yeah, we could do it! Neither snow, nor rain, nor sleet nor hail will stop the US mail. [He looks on Dusty, Bart and Ralph. They seem not to be fully convinced.] Come on, we must save my dad. [Still no response.] Think about profits… [Spark of interest on muzzles of dogs] We will be famous. The world will be side open before us… No girl would resist us. [Bart and Ralph smile, but Dusty is still indifferent.] And no boy of course too. [Dusty sighs with relief.] So, are you with me? [Weak cheers] Guy, we are their only hope! [cheering is louder.]

[Voice form off screen.]

V: Indeed, they were only hope for lost sled. Nome transport was still based on sled dogs and that tradition seems to be unchangeable. Tries of improvement and progress were always failures. [Cut to shot of Duke, entering his plane. Pilot is covered with tomato juice. He starts the engine and takes off.] Tradition can defend oneself. [Cut to Kodi and Dusty, wearing British Army helmets and running 40 mm Bofors AA twin-cannon. They aim to the sky and open fire. Cut to black-and-white WW2 film – airplane is being hit with burst of shots, starts to smoke and explode in the air. Cut back to Kodi and Dusty. Dusty salutes Kodi.]

[Back to street of Nome. Musher is harnessing his dogs.]

K: So we’re going? [dogs nod their heads. Random man in background dies and number in window grows to 23]. So better we will be going quick. [More and more people dies around. Scared Kodi hastens his companions.]

Scene 2 is cut from the story, due to its naughtiness and extreme lack of political correctness. It should not be read nor comment, however, if You ant to check it out, mail me.

taka.pl@hotmail.com

Scene 3:

[Map of Alaska. In corner of screen counter is still counting with absurdly high death toll. Dot representing sled is moving on north – not in Nenena direction! Kodi’s voice from off screen]

K: There is no fun to be a hero, if there are no chicks around.

[Dot comes north, while on east there is pulsing red point with inscription (Here is Balto, trapped under an avalanche, you idiots!), but dogs ignore it.]

Act 3:

Scene 1:

[Young Bambi with his mother wanders in snowed forest. Merry music while roe is showing her son beautiful landscape. Finally Bambi’s mother starts to dig in snow to uncover some plants to feed her child. Bambi eat from holes, mother digs a new hole.

Music is still the same, but suddenly roe is taken down into the hole. We see only her rear legs, that kick in sudden pain then freeze. Bambi retreats crying, from snow comes Steele with blood-red muzzle.

Steele drags up roe’s body, then turns his stare down and calls]

S: Come out, Balto! (seeing that wolfdog doesn’t come) I won’t kill you! It’s no fun in fighting your enemy muzzle to muzzle, without ambush nor deceit. It’s not villain-like enough. (Balto comes out) Good, look on that mess! [he points on all snow mass around.]

B (replying with reproach) : You did it!

S: Yeah, that’s right! Look on all the mess I’ve done and tell me, why haven’t you died by a chance?

B: I guess that Aniu was watching over me. But what now?

[They both looks around, finally Balto finds something in snow. He pulls it up. That is body of musher.]

B: Look, it’s our musher!

S: He’s dead!

B: No, he is not. He is just resting…

S: He is definitely dead. [human actually looks as if he was frozen to death]

B: No, he’s not! He is just resting… [To prove that he nudges human, but then human’s neck breaks and head rolls aside on snow.] Oh, never mind. So, what would we do?

S: That’s your problem. While you are still bound with harness to cart buried several metres under snow, I’m free. I will leave you to death here! [Then another wave of avalanche falls on dogs, cutting them any way out of valley. Steele looks on it with anger.] Or, no. I’ve changed my mind. I will heroically stay with you and froze too.

B (patting Steele’s back): Thanks pal. I always knew you are nice guy. (they both laugh, but then Balto asks further) But so will happen now?

S: For few hours nothing special. (Steele points clouds on the sky) But then blizzard will come and we will freeze to death.

[On scene appears Charlie B. Barkin with aureole and angel-wings. He flies to Steele and Balto and say with amused voice.]

C.B.B.: Don’t worry guys, all dogs go to heaven.

S (pointing on Balto): He is a wolf-hybrid, actually.

C.B.B. (sighing heavily, he puts his paws on Balto shoulder): I’m terribly sorry, Balto. But don’t cry. I heard that hell is much warmer than this place.

[He flies away, accompanied by angels choirs]

Scene 2 “Nobody expects the happy ending”:

[After few hours. Night has come, there is all dark around. Steele and Balto sit in snow, clearly cold and tired. Blizzard slowly starts.]

B: So that’s it? It’s over now? (Steele nods his head) Steele, is there any chance they would find us?

S: Face it, mutt! We are professionally lost and avalanched. No one would find us! The probability of sudden rescue is not greater than unexpected appearing of Spanish Inquisition.

B: Oh, right. We don’t expect that.

[Cut to main Spanish Inquisition Main Quarter.

A modern, or even futuristic looking like room, filled with computers and terminals. Few dozens of priests and monks operating that machinery. In center of room, on special (very comfortable) chair is sitting cardinal Ximénez. His adjutant is standing next to nearest console and he is pressing to one of ears a headphone, listening to something.]

Ad: Cardinal! We have them! Signal is spotted and weak, however we could fix the coordinates! (He listens for several seconds, then looks on monitor) Those are: 64°33’40’’ North, 165°25’55’’ West. It’s Alaska, Your Excellency! Seward Peninsula.

c.X.: Ow, bless it! Alska! I bet there is sacred freezing there! Well, fortunately His Holiness sent us those new, polar chasubles. But don’t complain! It’s about life of those poor American heretics. We are playing for high stakes. (Cut to high stake, prepared for burning; witch is being guided to it) Come on, prepare our horses or reindeers if Congregatio de Propaganda Fide advises that means of transport on that latitude. (Cardinal stands up and going to door. Then stops and turns back to priest) And ask Santa Claus for the air-recon!

The end (?!)