M*A*S*H
Loosely based on the episodes The Moose Bombed and New Command of the TV show.
During World War 2, survival rates for wounded soldiers had been poor. Wounded soldiers often had to face long hours of transport before they reached an operating room. Half the time they didn't make it there alive. By the time the Korean War began, the army had worked out a way to provide quicker treatment of casualties. The result was a small hospital called a MASH (Mobile Army Surgical Hospital) that could work just behind the lines of fighting. These units provided quick and efficient care for wounded soldiers. And that care was only minutes away from the heavy fighting. Once a wounded soldier arrived at the MASH, his chances of surviving was excellent: from 97 to 98 percent. Our story will focus on one, the 4077th and its staff. It was stationed three miles from the front, and two miles from the South Korean capital Seoul.
Cast:
Balto- Captain Hawkeye Pierce
Nikki- Captain Trapper John
Kodi- Corporal Radar O'Reilly
Dixie- Major Hot Lips Houlihan
Steele- Major Burns
Kaltag- Captain B.J. Hunnicutt
Doc- Colonel Blake
Muk-Father Mulcahy
Star- Corporal Klinger
and briefly appearing: Boris- Colonel Potter
Korea, October 1950
Attention all personnel! came a voice over the PA Incoming wounded! I repeat, incoming wounded! We have choppers and ambulances! All available personnel to the OR!
Uhhh! moaned Hawkeye. I just got to sleep!
Hawkeye and his three other bunkmates, Nikki Trapper McIntyre, Kodi Radar O'Reilly, and Steele Burns, had just gotten out of OR after eighteen straight hours of surgery. To make it worse, it was 3 in the morning, and it was pouring down rain.
I would kill to be able to see inside my eyelids! whined Trapper.
Oh quit your whining! snapped Major Burns. Don't you have a single patriotic bone in your body? Besides, I'm not tired at all!
That clenches it, said Hawkeye. Steele isn't Canine.
The wounded kept coming and coming. As soon as a doctor would finish surgery on one soldier, another would take his place on the operating table. They just kept coming and coming and coming. To make it worse, the North Koreans began bombing nearby them.
Hey! shouted Colonel Blake Don't they realize we're a hospital?
Suddenly, a bomb exploded right in the middle of the compound. Windows in the operating room shattered, spraying the doctors and patients with glass. All the doctors and nurses quickly threw themselves over the patients to keep glass off of them. The power began to short out, plunging the room into darkness.
Hey! I'm in the middle of surgery here! shouted Hawkeye. I would appreciate it if I could see!
Oh shut your trap Hawkeye! snapped Steele.
Everybody please quiet down! said Colonel Blake. We're stressed out enough as it is! We don't need all this shouting!
Another bomb went off, very close.
Klinger! shouted Trapper I'm running out of supplies!
Klinger came in. He was easy to spot. He was the only guy in there wearing a dress. He was trying to get a discharge by acting like he was crazy.
Sorry Trap, we're all out.
All out of what?
Everything! Headquarters is stretching their budget tight.
So they decided to cut back on funding for hospitals? shouted Hawkeye Boy, that's brilliant!
How many times do I have to say it Hawkeye? said an exasperated Colonel Blake Quiet down. There's nothing we can do about it. Just accept it and keep working.
How? Hawkeye yelled. We're out of gloves, and we certainly can't keep the same pair on during all our patients! It isn't sanitary! So what are we supposed to do?
The next few hours were the first time the doctors worked with their bare hands. With no gloves, they had to wash their hands even more thoroughly, and they had to wash their hands a second time in alcohol before each patient.
Nine hours later, they had finished up with all the wounded soldiers. It had now been thirty-nine hours since anyone had slept. Trapper, Radar, Steele Burns, and many others had gone to bed. Except for Colonel Blake and Hawkeye. Blake was staying up to call HQ to see about getting a new shipment of supplies. Hawkeye stayed up to make sure Blake didn't chicken out before calling HQ.
Now, I understand that you're having budget trouble, said Blake. But our doctors need the supplies. They had to operate bare-handed last night! Oh, okay ...
Hawkeye grabbed the phone out of Blake's hands Look, you're sending us some supplies! We need some gloves, clamps, everything! I'll put it this way. If we don't have a new shipment of whole blood by tomorrow, then I'm coming up there taking some out of you! Do you understand what I'm saying? Yeah...
Blake grabbed the phone back. Sorry about that. That was one of our more obnoxious doctors. Now look, if we could just please have...
Hawkeye snatched the phone back. Look, we can't operate as fast as you get those kids wounded in battle, and we by golly aren't going to be able to do it any quicker without supplies! Last night I operated on thirteen guys with my bare hands! No gloves, nothing! I had to rub alcohol on my hands before every patient! Blake reached to take back the phone, but Hawkeye growled at him. Blake held back. Hawkeye said back to the general at HQ If you don't give us what we need to work on the wounded, then I'm coming up and making you one! Am I coming across clear?
Needless to say, they got their supplies the next morning.
Back at Hawkeye's tent (affectionately known as 'The Swamp'), the bunkmates finally got some sleep. For six hours. Then more wounded poured in. If only I could get two weeks off of work then I would be happy for a time. Hawkeye thought. Then he decided it was time to take drastic action. He took the 'Klinger' approach. Not wearing dresses or anything like that, but acting crazy.
Colonel Blake was eating dinner in the mess tent, sharing a table with Trapper and Radar O'Reilly when Hawkeye walked in. He was wearing his surgical uniform, complete with the mask and everything. However, this wasn't the oddest thing. Rather than walking up to the counter to get his food, he already had some on his plate. He sat at the table occupied by Blake, O'Reilly, and Trapper, took his mask off and started eating.
What's that? asked Blake.
Liver. said Hawkeye.
Liver? But we're having hamburgers. Where'd you get liver?
From the North Korean. Hawkeye said casually.
What North Korean?
The one that croaked. Then Hawkeye continued eating.
Blake was shocked. At first he didn't believe him, but then he noticed fresh blood was splattered all over his uniform. You... you animal!
I'm sorry, we ran out so I can't share any, but if you'd like to join me for breakfast tomorrow, we're having a nice big stack of pancreas.
Blake was now horrified. He leaned over and grabbed the plate away from Hawkeye to examine it. Hawkeye furiously snatched it back.
You touched my plate! he screamed. Have you washed your hands?! You aren't sterile! He reached out, put his hands around Blake's neck and began throttling him. You touched my plate! You've ruined my liver! And we're all out of North Koreans! Trapper jumped up and pulled Hawkeye away from Blake. Hawkeye angrily threw his liver into the trash and stormed out of the mess tent.
You did that beautifully! laughed Radar.
Ha ha! You'll most definitely get a two week pass in Tokyo for that performance! said Trapper.
That was my best acting performance ever, if I do say so myself. Hawkeye said proudly. Maybe next I can convince the colonel that I need you two to watch over me, so you can go too!
Nah, I'm fine for now. said Radar.
Me too. replied Trapper.
At that point Burns walked into 'The Swamp'. Hawkeye quickly decided he would need to crazy in front of him, or else Burns would blab to the colonel that it was all a front.
Hi Frank. said Trapper.
Hi Frank. said Radar.
Hawkeye remained silent.
Hawkeye, Steele's here. said Trapper.
Hawkeye turned his back and began sobbing.
Hawkeye, what's wrong? said Trapper, knowing this was all an act.
Hawkeye suddenly jumped up, turned around, ran toward Burns, put an arm around his shoulders, and began saying with tear filled eyes To be?? ... or... not to be? (sighhh) That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to sufferthe slingsand arrowsof outrageous fortune... or to take armsagainst a sea of troubles... and by opposing, endthem? To die, tosleep... no more! And by a sleep to say we end the heartacheand the thousandnatural shocks that flesh is heir to... (sniff) 'tis a consummation devoutly to be wished! To die... to sleep! To sleep, perchance to dream: Aye, there's the rub! For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil must give us pause. With that he fell straight forward onto his bed.
Burns stared at Hawkeye for a moment, who was unbreathing, laying stiff as a two-by-four.
Hawkeye jumped up and started singing You Are My Sunshine as loudly as he could. Burns turned and ran out the door.
Colonel, he's gone mad! said Burns.
Oh come on, said Colonel Blake You know Hawkeye. He's probably just fooling around, acting like it. Just ignore him.
Well... I'll try.
The next few days were very aggravating for Steele, and for everybody else at the 4077th. During surgery, Hawkeye mysteriously 'found' a light bulb in somebodies intestines.
I'm being honest colonel, I opened him up and there it was! said Hawkeye with a puppy-like face. I don't know how it got there! Either he got it stuck in there during a bar fight somehow or his colon's got a great idea.
During the evening movie he would shout advice to the characters on screen. When Lon Chaney was unmasked in the 1925 version of 'The Phantom of the Opera' Hawkeye shrieked and fainted.
During dinner he would bring in his own food, claiming it was the liver, heart, fingers, or brain of a wounded man he worked on earlier.
At bedtime he would talk insistently in his sleep or snore so loud that it kept everyone in the camp awake. Finally, Colonel Blake gave him permission to go to Tokyo for two weeks.
Two weeks later...
Hawkeye arrived in the 4077th at noon. He unpacked his stuff out of the jeep, took it into the 'Swamp', and headed for the showers. On his way there, Radar ran up to him.
Hawkeye! There's something I...
Quiet Radar. I haven't slept for twenty hours, and haven't showered in forty. Out of my way.
But you...
I said quiet. Whatever it is it can wait for at least two minutes.
He entered the shower and got in one of them. He turned on the flow of hot water.
Ahhhhhhhhh.
Radar burst in. Hawkeye, you need to know that...
Radar, didn't I tell you to shut up? Now be quiet until I'm done.
Radar stood there, right beside the shower stall. He stood there, unmoving. He fidgeted, looked over his shoulder, but didn't move. Finally, Hawkeye was done. He stepped out wrapped himself in his bathrobe, and tromped over to Radar.
Now, what was so important?
Trapper's gone!
Hawkeye was speechless. What... what do you mean gone?
Trapper's gone. A day after you got your leave, he got a letter from headquarters. He's been sent home.
Why didn't you tell me?!
I tried, but you wouldn't let me!
Why didn't he wait to say goodbye?
He did! He waited as long as he could before he had to leave?
Hawkeye put his forehead against the wall. When did he leave?
Two minutes ago.
What?He only left two minutes ago?! Then I can still catch him! Hawkeye ran at top speed toward Colonel Blake's office. He burst in without knocking. RequestpermissiontogobeabletosaygoodbyetoTrapperbeforehisplanetakesoffsir! he quickly gasped, out of breath.
Whoa! Say that slowly!
I.. request... permission... to.. say.. goodbye.. to.. Trapper.. before.. his.. plane.. takes.. off.
Sure, go ahead. Oh, and we're getting a replacement for Trapper too, so pick him up, please. Take Radar with you.
Yes sir! Absolutely sir! Thank you sir!
Knock it off with all the 'sirs' please.
Yes sir! Hawkeye turned and bolted out the door. Outside he immediately found Radar. You! Come! Into the Jeep! Now! He grabbed Radar by the collar, lifted him off the ground, and dropped him into the jeep. He himself got in the driver's side and sped off as fast as he could.
He made it to the airport. He hopped out and started searching for Trapper. He found him. He saw his friend's back as he climbed in the plane. Hawkeye bolted to the plane as fast as his feet would carry him. Trapper!
Trapper turned and saw him, just as the boarding door was closed. The plane began going down the runway. It took off into the air. In seconds it was gone, vanished from sight.
Hawkeye and Radar met the replacement. His name was Kaltag BJ Hunnicutt. Hawkeye and Radar took him for a drink at a bar often frequented by personnel at the 4077th. It was called Rosie's Bar, run by a South Korean woman. The place was notorious for fights breaking out almost constantly. After they ordered their drinks, Hawkeye and Radar asked BJ to tell them about himself. He had graduated from medical school near the top of all his classes. He had attended many different colleges and such. In short, he was an amazing doctor. He also had a knack for pulling pranks on people. After hearing this, Hawkeye knew that him and BJ would get along quite nicely.
When they got back to the camp, Blake practically forced them out of the jeep.
I got a letter too! They're sending me home as well!
Well, Radar, you'd better show BJ to our tent. I'll take Colonel Blake to the airport.
Along the way there, Blake talked insistently. He talked about how wonderful it would be to see his family again, his three year old son, and his baby that was born four months after Blake had arrived in Korea. They made it to the airport, and Blake jumped off the jeep with all his luggage.
Bon voyage Colonel.
Look me up when you get back to the states. I'd like to be able to see everyone from the 4077th again sometime. Tell everybody that I'll write to them as soon as I get home. With that he walked onto the plane.
When Hawkeye made it back to the 4077th (again) at five o'clock, he immediately returned to the 'Swamp' only to find it in a disastrous condition.
It was clean!
According to Radar, it happened while the two of them had been picking up BJ. Steele had heard that Blake was leaving and they were getting a new commander named Colonel Boris T. Potter. After hearing the news, Steele decided it was important that they make a good first impression on the colonel, so he went through their tent and cleaned it.
And you left it in this condition?! asked a furious Hawkeye.
Well... yes.
Look at this place! Beds are made, clothes are folded, and trash is off the floor!
Don't worry, I'm as disgusted by this wholesome cleanliness as you are. said BJ.
Alright people, let's get this place messed up! We got five minutes until dinner. Come on, let's go!
The next day, after they had finished operating on the wounded, everyone went to the mess tent for lunch. As they were eating, Radar came in. It's news about the Colonel. he said, rather grimly. Everyone expected it to be a letter from Blake. Radar looked at the paper and read. We regret to inform you that yesterday at seven o'clock in the evening, the plane carrying your colonel was shot down over the Sea of Japan. There were not any survivors.
Despite the bad news, they still had a good time. The held a party for Hawkeye's funeral (in which the deceased himself gave the eulogy). What had happened was, a doctor in a nearby hospital died, but the paperwork somehow got mixed up, which led the army to believe that Hawkeye had died, and the other doctor was alive and well. So the doctors figured, what the heck, might as well give the poor dead Captain Pierce a proper funeral (by 'proper' funeral, I mean Martini's, party hats, and a food fight). Near the end, they invited Hawkeye himself to stand on the table and give a talk about himself. It went like this.
Balto Hawkeye Pierce. Born July 22nd, 1919. He was a great man...
Booo! shouted everyone.
...loved and admired by all...
Liar!
...and now that he's gone...
We'll celebrate!!
...they will never be quite the same.
For the better!
And now for the will!
Everybody cheered. At least they would get something!
To Radar O'Reilly, I leave these smelly, soiled socks filled with holes! To Father Muk Mulcahy, I leave my last toilet paper roll! And finally, last but most certainly not least... to Steele Burns! He fished inside his pocket, and pulled out several pieces of paper. To Steele Burns I leave these copies of letters he wrote to 'Hot Lips' Houlihan! 'Hot Lips' was another Major in the 4077th, who seemed to get along with Steele. Who, by the way, was married.
Oh, what the heck, said Hawkeye, and he pulled out a large burlap bag. He overturned it and dumped out nearly a hundred more papers. What the heck, I'll give you all some copies of Major Burns' letters!
The next morning, Radar was sitting outside without his shirt on, trying to get a tan. He heard a jeep pull up, but he didn't bother opening his eyes to see who it was. The person honked the jeep's horn. Stupid jerk. thought Radar. If they want to talk to me, they can just walk up and say it. The person honked their horn again. Why don't you stick that horn in your ear? said Radar.
What's your name kid? said an unfamiliar voice.
Radar O'Reilly, what's it to you?
I'm your new colonel.
Radar opened his eyes. He saw, standing before him, Colonel Boris T. Potter, new commanding officer of MASH 4077th.
Way out in a lonely section of the Sea of Japan, a lone figure sat in a rubber raft.
All those morons probably think I'm dead. thought the man. His name was Colonel Blake.
The End (already)