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Most of you know of the great Shakespearian revenge play Hamlet, right? Well, this is a script for a class project I am supposed to do. It's a creative project, so I decided to make a humourous fusion of Hamlet and Star Wars.
Enjoy, and feel free to give me some pointers.
D.C.: Hamkin, since your madness has caused you to murder poor Polouku, you and his son Laer-Kun will fight to the death.
H: You won’t stop my fighting spirit Darth Clador! I will prevail!
D.C.: No, you won’t!
H: Yeah…I will!
DC: (quickly) No, you won’t
[Exit DC]
H: ***** his lightning-fast wit!
[Enter Laer-Kun]
L: Hello Hamkin, time to meet your maker!
[They fight]
SFX: lightsaber sequences
L: You are strong, but I am stronger!
Hoda: [voice]: Use the Force Hamkin. Use the Force!
H: Father? How do I use the Force?
Hoda: How should I know? I’m just a voice in your head.
L: [runs at Hamkin, lightsaber drawn] Prepare to perish under the might of my mighty…blue…lightsaber…thingy. [stops]
SFX: crickets [H and L stand motionless]
H: Lightsaber thingy!?
L: Look, can we get back to the part where you are about to die?
H: Oh sure.
L: Thanks. [starts running again] Prepare to die!
[slow motion]
[L runs at H, but is thrown back by the Force]
L: But how?
H: I used the Force! W00t!
L: So, you are a Jedi huh? That’s okay, you will die soon anyway.
[Runs at H with lightsaber]
H: [snaps fingers, but nothing happens] Darn, ran outta Force! [draws lightsaber]
[The two collide, holding one another back by their lightsabers]
L: I will win!
H: Not without your arms you won’t! [Doubles back and slices L’s arms off]
L: [looks at lightsaber on ground] *****, and I was doing so well too!
[H swings lightsaber]
[Laer-Kun dies]
H: You got pwned by the Hamster…did I just call myself a hamster?
[Enter Gertaia]
G: What is going on here?
H: Ummm..[stands in front of L’s body]…nothing.
G: Hamkin, you killed Laer-Kun!
H: I can explain! My father told me to use the Force, and…
G: The Force? You’re mad!
[Enter Opheliea]
O: Brother! Neeeooooooooooooooooooooooo!
H: Whatever happened, I have a logical explanation!
O: I’m listening. [puts hands on hips]
H: [nervous] I…uhhh…duhh…hehe
[Enter soldier]
Soldier: M’lady, a drink from your husband.
H: Husband!?
G: ummm…
H: [points at G} I see what’s going on here!
G: [nervous] You do?
H: Yes…[smiles] Someone bought you a drink in my dad’s honour!
G: whew [down drink in one gulp]
SFX: gulp
H: Since when did you like Coca-Cola?
G: Coca-Cola!? I’ll allergic to…
SFX: faint
[G dies]
O: *****, sorry about that.
[Enter C3P0 and R2D2]
C3: [British accent]I say Hamkin, what is going on?
R2D2: (a garbage can with someone under it)
SFX: R2D2
C3: Yes, R2 wants to know as well.
H: I think my mother died from an allergic reaction.
C3: Terribly sorry to hear that sir.
SFX: R2D2
C3: What a dumb question R2! Of course she’d dead!
SFX: R2D2
C3: Don’t get smart with me R2! I can shut you down you know!
[Enter DC]
DC: Well done Hamkin. I am impressed. But I must ask you something.
[pauses]
Hamkin, do you know your step-father?
H: [angry] My mother said she’d never re-marry! You are nothing but my enemy!
DC: No Hamkin, I am…your step-father.
SFX: Psycho music
H: But, that means you’re my…?
DC: Uncle!
H: [gags] That is so wrong man!
[DC draws lightsaber]
DC: You know too much Hamkin. You must be defeated now. [uses Force]
H: [is thrown back]
DC: I am an expert in the Force.
H: [gets up and uses Force]
DC: [is thrown down] Ow!
H: I know the ways of the Force myself!
DC: [gets up] You are wise in those ways Hamkin. But can you beat a lightsaber master?
H: I guess I could try [draws lightsaber]
[They fight]
SFX: lightsaber sequences
DC: [jumps back] Well, it seems that your father taught you well. However, I am better than he was. I am such a great warrior, it scares me.
H: [under breath] Me too.
DC: What you say!? [swings lightsaber]
H: [ducks]
[Fight continues]
DC: [kicks H back and swings lightsaber]
SFX: punch
H: [is hit by blunt lightsaber] ow!
DC: ***** lightsaber, ran outta batteries.
H: [uses Force]
DC: [is thrown back] Ack!
H: [broad swing down]
DC: [stops H’s lightsaber close to his face]
H: Why won’t you die!?
DC: Because I don’t feel like it.
H: Then we shall settle this in…
SFX: Mortal Kombat!
DC: {presses PLAY on boombox}
[Mortal Kombat theme starts]
[They fight]
DC: [pins around, one leg outstretched]
H: [dodges] Jesus, he’s like a blender with feet! [uses Force]
DC: [is thrown back…again…into a wall]
Mortal Kombat Whoopsies guy: [pops head in] Whoopsies!
DC: [gets up, but is choked by H’s Force]
H: Confess!
DC: [barely comprehendable] Okay…okay…I did it. I killed Hoda!
Crowd: (O and some random people) gasp!
SFX: R2D2
C3: You’re right R2, we must avenge Hoda!
DC: [SFX: Homer scream]
[Thus begins the classic chase sequence, with a little help from the Benny Hill Theme Song]
DC: [is stopped by guard]
Guard: And where do you think you’re going?
DC: What?
Guard: [points at sign]
Sign: No guys in black helmet and cape bent on world domination and destruction allowed.
DC: Aww crap!
[Rope flies in, lassoing DC]
H: Get over here!
[DC is dragged off screen]
SFX: punching noises
[DC lays dead on the ground]
H: Victory is mine! Coke’s on me!
[everyone drinks and dies from allergic reaction]
FIN
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Silver's Fan Fiction HQ Since Dec, 8, 2003
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