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Okay, so this is all about Dusty and her relationship problems concerning Kodi and Ralph. No, this isn't a fic about how Kodi and Dusty have four pups and live happily as the greatest mail dogs ever and have three children and a pet budgie. No. The thing is, Dusty has a crush on Kodi, and gets err... advice, from her friends on how to get him to notice her. Then, she finds herself starting to fall for Ralph, but does Kodi want a piece of the 'Lusty Dusty' as well? XD I'll post a sample of what I've got so far:

“Well guys, I have to go. My dad wants me to help with something on his boat.” said Kodi, as he began to make his way to the boiler room door.
“I’ll come with you if you want!” said Dusty, but Kodi shook his head.
“No, it’s okay Dusty, Kirby already said he was coming. Besides, it’s probably gonna be boring anyway. Why don’t you and Ralph go visit Maria or someone instead?” Kodi said.
“Oh… okay.” said Dusty, trying not to sound disappointed. Gosh, Kodi was so thick sometimes!
“Hey Ralph,” Dusty started, getting to her feet, “I think I’m gonna go see Maria and Saba for bit. Catch ‘ya later!” she said, heading out the boiler room door.
Dusty wandered through the streets of Nome for a bit, then found the usual group of Maria, Saba, Asha, Ashley and Ashton.
“Hey, Maria, you know how I like Kodi, right?” she said casually. These guys were her best friends, she was comfortable saying anything around them.
“You what?! You like Kodi? As in… the mail team Kodi? My brother Kodi? That’s really strange. First Maria and Rogue, now this?!” Saba said, in disbelief. Maria felt her throat dry up. While her close friends knew about her and Rogue dating previously, they never knew the whole story.

“Keep it-” Maria begun, but her voice was squeaky and hoarse. She tried again, “Keep it down Saba, we don’t want all of Nome to know. As you were saying, Dusty?”
“Well, I’ve being trying to spend more time with him, but he’s completely oblivious to it. What can I do?” Dusty asked, turning to the whole group for advice.
“Here’s an idea. You could turn into Kirby. You won’t be able to get away form him then.” Saba said, with a mischievous smirk. The whole group laughed in harmony.
“Now Saba, that was hilariously inappropriate.” Maria scolded, still smirking about the joke. Saba simply waged her tail.
“Now while Saba’s plan is full-proof-” began Ashton, the only male in the group.
“We have a more practical idea,” continued his two sisters, Asha and Ashley.
“And what might that be?” Dusty asked, her curiosity aroused.
“It’s easy. All you have to do…” began Asha.
“Is flirt with another guy, while Kodi’s watching!” continued her sister.
“I dunno, it’s not really a very Dusty thing to do…” said Maria, shaking her head disapprovingly.
“Maria’s right. I’m not really that sort of person.” Dusty said, obviously not comfortable with the idea.
“Come on Dusty, but spontaneous for once!” said Asha, egging her on.
“Yeah, be spontaneous!” Ashley repeated.
“Yep, the sisters have it. While a lot of guys hate that, it definitely works. Besides, from this point on, you’re not just ‘plain ol’ Dusty’ anymore. I re-dub you… ‘Lusty Dusty’!” said Ashton. He was well-known for giving females nicknames which they despised yet enjoyed at the same time.
“You know, I’m gonna hate myself for this later, but you guys are right. I should be spontaneous. But one question… Who do I flirt with?” Dusty said, suddenly fired up.
“Well isn’t it obvious?” said Asha, shaking her head.
“Ralph, of course!” continued her sister.

What I want you to do:
1. Read the sample.
2. Give your thoughts on the plot.
3. Give any critique on the writing (and yes, I know there is WAY too much dialogue)
4. Any other thoughts?

Alright, on the plot...it's pretty interesting. With enough plot twists, you could really make it suspenseful, and a surprise conclusion would be even better. I can see that you're not going to make it a typical "Kodi-and-Dusty-falling-in-love" fic, and that's good. I happen to be writing my own K & D fic right now, which means I'm not going to suggest too much...I'm saving it for my own fic. But I like your plot.


Also, I actually like all the dialogue. It reads pretty smoothly, but I would suggest going over it until you can take out little bits here and there and make it even smoother. Of course, it's a matter of preference. I don't know if you've read any Trixie Belden or Nancy Drew mystery stories (you should, btw), but the difference between the two is that TB contains a lot of dialogue (that is very good and easy to read), whereas ND is more action and less talking. I prefer Trixie, but other people I know prefer Nancy. It just depends, so go with what you like.


Keep up the good writing! ^^

I have a very small tip. It doesn't affect the plot or dialogue, just how it's presented. Usually, writers but a space in between the paragraphs and/or separate lines of dialogue to make it easier to read.

For example, here's how you originally wrote it:

“Maria’s right. I’m not really that sort of person.” Dusty said, obviously not comfortable with the idea.
“Come on Dusty, but spontaneous for once!” said Asha, egging her on.
“Yeah, be spontaneous!” Ashley repeated.
“Yep, the sisters have it. While a lot of guys hate that, it definitely works. Besides, from this point on, you’re not just ‘plain ol’ Dusty’ anymore. I re-dub you… ‘Lusty Dusty’!” said Ashton. He was well-known for giving females nicknames which they despised yet enjoyed at the same time.
“You know, I’m gonna hate myself for this later, but you guys are right. I should be spontaneous. But one question… Who do I flirt with?” Dusty said, suddenly fired up.
“Well isn’t it obvious?” said Asha, shaking her head.
“Ralph, of course!” continued her sister.

And here's what it would look like with extra spacing:

“Maria’s right. I’m not really that sort of person.” Dusty said, obviously not comfortable with the idea.

“Come on Dusty, but spontaneous for once!” said Asha, egging her on.

“Yeah, be spontaneous!” Ashley repeated.

“Yep, the sisters have it. While a lot of guys hate that, it definitely works. Besides, from this point on, you’re not just ‘plain ol’ Dusty’ anymore. I re-dub you… ‘Lusty Dusty’!” said Ashton. He was well-known for giving females nicknames which they despised yet enjoyed at the same time.

“You know, I’m gonna hate myself for this later, but you guys are right. I should be spontaneous. But one question… Who do I flirt with?” Dusty said, suddenly fired up.

“Well isn’t it obvious?” said Asha, shaking her head.

“Ralph, of course!” continued her sister.

Instead of being a big block of text, it's a proper set of dialogue.

That's the only thing I think needs improvement. This little bit was all it took to get me interested in the story, so there's no problems with plot. All in all, a very good preview. I'm looking forward to reading the whole thing.

This sounds like a pretty good fanfic. I have to agree with iditarod that with enough plot twits this would be a pretty good story. I would say you should definatly make all story posts with double spaces between lines. As for dialogue, I think there's just enough. The one thing i would say is to have more naritive description between the dialogue. It's all nice to hear people/dogs talking, but without some guide as to how they're standing, what their colors are, what their facial expresions show, or what the enviornment they're in looks/feels/sounds like, it makes it hard to visualize. Just think of the narative as the window through which all the readers are looking through to see what you're seeing in your head. Anything you leave out of the writing, that you see, is something we won't know about. But you need to leave enough space for the reader to use his imagination and see it one his own. It's the delicate balance of writing. I'm sorry if this post is usless in helping you, my brain is sort of chopped up right now so i'm just ramblind and making run-on sentences that are terribly atrocus. and i can't spell. I hope you might be able to take something from this. Okay, so long, good story.

Thank you all for your advice! I appreciate the critique and comments a lot, thank you all! I'll go over it and add some more descriptive text and I'll add the double spaces like you suggest.

I don't actually know how I got the idea. I was just reading through many topics about "Kodi or Ralph for Dusty?" and I began to get my inspiration. When I'm done the next largish piece of text and have edited it, I'll post it here for you.

Thanks again everyone!

Okay, I've re-typed the bit above, and added a lot more description, as well as those spaces between dialogue.




The three sled dog friends sat in the boiler room, which was an unpopular place during midday in spring. The three dogs, Kodi, Dusty and Ralph chatted light heartedly, but after a weak joke on Dusty’s part, they were quiet for a little while, before Kodi stretched, and stood up.

“Well guys, I have to go. My dad wants me to help with something on his boat.” He said, as he began to make his way to the boiler room door.

“I’ll come with you if you want!” said Dusty, jumping to her feet, but Kodi shook his head.

“No, it’s okay Dusty, Kirby already said he was coming. Besides, it’s probably gonna be boring anyway. Why don’t you and Ralph go visit Maria or someone instead?” Kodi said.

“Oh… okay.” Said Dusty, sitting back down. She tried not to sound too disappointed. Gosh, Kodi was so thick sometimes! She stared after him as he casually trotted out the door and towards the old, abandoned boat inhabited by the heroic wolfdog, Balto.

“Hey Ralph,” Dusty started, getting to her feet once again, “I think I’m gonna go see Maria and Saba for bit. Bye!” she said, and she herself headed out the door.

Dusty wandered through the slushy, patchy streets of Nome for a little while before finding the usual group of Maria, Saba, Asha, Ashley and Ashton sitting among the barrels and wood planks of the shipping station of Nome.

“Hey, Dusty!” Everyone called in perfect sync. Dusty blinked, surprised and confused. Seeing her expression, the group laughed at her expense.

“We totally planned that,” said a light-grey, patchy-marked Shiloh shepherd, named Ashley.

“Totally,” repeated her darker sister, Asha.

“The things you guys come up with,” said Dusty to the whole group, shaking her head. But she grinned as she said it. “Anyway, you guys know how I like Kodi, right?” she said casually. She was comfortable talking to these dogs about nearly anything. They were her best friends.

“You what?! You like Kodi? As in… the mail team Kodi? My brother Kodi? That’s really strange. First Maria and Rogue, now this?!” A bright red wolf hybrid named Saba said, in disbelief. She was the youngest in the group, but only by a few months. Maria, a grey malamute, felt her throat dry up as Saba said this. Her friends had known about her relationship with Rogue, but they never knew the full story.

“Keep it-” Maria begun, but her voice was squeaky and hoarse. She tried again, “Keep it down Saba, we don’t want all of Nome to know. As you were saying, Dusty?”

“Well, I’ve being trying to spend more time with him, but he’s completely oblivious to it. What can I do?” Dusty asked, looking over her whole group for advice, but particularly Ashton, the only male of the group.

“Here’s an idea. You could turn into Kirby. You won’t be able to get away form him then.” Saba said, with a mischievous smirk. The whole group laughed in harmony.

“Now Saba, that was hilariously inappropriate.” Maria scolded, still smirking about the joke. Saba simply wagged her tail.

“Now while Saba’s plan is full-proof-” began Ashton, looking at Saba with a smirk. Saba nearly blushed.

“We have a more practical idea,” continued his two sisters, Asha and Ashley.

“And what might that be?” Dusty asked, her curiosity aroused.

“It’s easy. All you have to do…” began Asha, who then looked to her sister.

“Is flirt with another guy, while Kodi’s watching!” continued Ashley.

“I dunno, it’s not really a very Dusty thing to do…” said Maria disapprovingly, and she looked at Dusty with a slight frown.

“Maria’s right. I’m not really that sort of person.” Dusty said, obviously not comfortable with the idea.

“Come on Dusty, but spontaneous for once!” said Asha, egging her on.

“Yeah, be spontaneous!” Ashley repeated.

“Yep, the sisters have it. While a lot of guys hate that, it definitely works.” Said Ashton, and for a little extra encouragement, he added “Besides, from this point on, you’re not just ‘plain ol’ Dusty’ anymore. I re-dub you… ‘Lusty Dusty’!” The Shiloh was well-known for giving females nicknames which they despised yet enjoyed at the same time.

“You know, I’m gonna hate myself for this later, but you guys are right. I should be spontaneous. But one question… Who do I flirt with?” Dusty said, suddenly fired up.

“Well isn’t it obvious?” said Asha, looking at Dusty, and then to Ashley to continue.

“Ralph, of course!” continued her sister.




So what do you think of the re-vamped version?

Great job! The extra description helped establish the setting, and the spacing made it easier on the eyes. Keep up the good work.

I agree with Iwolf-231, the extra description really helped to establish a setting, and the double spacing made it much easier on the eyes. The only thing else I would say, which isn't something you even have to do, especially since i'm not the one who really knows how this story is going to go; as i said, the only thing I might say for you to do is to have a bit of internal thought. Like when Dusty is walking around town looking for her friends, what are her thoughts on Kodi? Does she wonder why Kodi doesn't want to hang out with her? Kodi seems to do this often. So is she really starting to get upset with him about it?

I just like to hear some internal dialogue. I like to know what the hero, or heroin (I'm sure that's the wrong heroin) is thinking at times, not all the time mind you, but just now and then. Like when her friends give her the idea to flirt with another dog... does she imagine it for a moment?

But these are also things that aren't necisariy for a good story. I mean, i like it the way it is. It's just that if i was writing it, i'd put this in. It's a personal choice on your part. Anyway, keep it up.

Thank you both for your advice and support =)

And I think I might see if it works to weave her thoughts into the story. Because I know that I think a lot of things I don't say... I'm sure cartoon dogs do as well XD And I guess I want my readers to know as much as Dusty does herself, so adding in thought could be and excellent idea.

Thanks again for the advice.

EDIT: I fiddled with it just a little bit for test, but so far I don't really think it will work.

I thought I may as well post this here, even though it has nothing to do with Dusty or Balto or Universal. It's got to do with me and stories, so why the heck not?

For our assignment this term in English (Year we had to rewrite a myth/fable/legend into our own words. I had to rewrite "The Fox and the Cat" not sure if you've ever heard it before. Anyway, it was only meant to go for like a minute and a half if read aloud (this one will go for about two minutes) so it's short for a reason. I give you my retelling,"The Vixen and the Tabby"!



It was just another day in the city as my friend Vixen and I padded along the hot pavement.

“Tabby, darling, you really ought to be more street-smart. You know I really don’t want to outlive you, but…” Vixen said, swishing her bushy tail in confidence. I looked at her with a bored expression, not feeling in the mood to argue today.

“Well, you see honey, someday everyone’s gonna know about that one little defense of yours… and then I’ll have to take care of you.” She continued, smirking.

“Not really. You see, not all of your special tricks actually work…” I said, for what to me seemed like the hundredth time.

“If one doesn’t work, I’ll always have a rebound. Not likely the case with you.” She said, and I shrugged, hoping that the conversation would change if I didn’t say anything else.

We were passing the city park when we heard a noise and smelled a horrible scent. My fur bristled in fear, just as I saw what it was. A pack of three snarling Doberman/Standard Poodle mixes appeared on the other side of the road from behind a dumpster.

I panicked, and so did the usually calm Vixen. Before the mutts could even be sure that I was there, I rushed to the high branches of the nearest tree.

“Tabby, help!” cried Vixen as she rushed around in a mad frenzy, skittering to and from potential hiding places, deeming each one inadequate.

“Just…” I begun, but my voice trailed off. How could I help? It’s not like I could defend her or anything. “Into the burrow!” I yelled, and Vixen, with mongrels at her heels, attempted to scurry down the burrow.

But, finding the burrow itself to be unsuitable, she changed direction, speeding towards a hollow log. She was too late. The leader of them, a tan dog with curly fur, had caught the smaller canine’s bushy tail.

The last I heard of Vixen was her dying yelp. There, she was killed, a victim of her own indecisiveness.

Well, I am a person who absolutely cannot stick to one project at a time. A fanfic I started a while ago is more tempting to write than my Dusty story XD it's about Aniu and how she met my version of Balto's father, Rally. So far it's 2740 words long, so it will probably be around 5000 when I'm finished. I find it a lot more fun and to write than the Dusty one, but I'll probably saying the opposite in about a week.

I would give teaser, but I don't really want to give away anything...