NO!First of all, you failed to explain what this is. Who is "she"? Who is "he"? Second, you have a
ton of fragments that make it both confusing and annoying. Thirdly, it's an obvious rip-off of
Twilight.
vampire babe wrote:
She knew he was different. He was beautiful. Maybe even TOO beautiful. He was fast. He was strong. NOTHING could destroy him. He NEVER hung out with anyone. He was kinda stuck up. All the girls loved him. His skin was white. His skin was white like an albino person. That was not what made him different. What made him different was the fact that he watched her ALL THE TIME. Almost as if he was trying to protect her. She wanted to know his secret. But it just might put her life at risk and everyone else’s life in risk that she came in contact with.
Should be something more like...
"
...His skin was pale white, similar to that of an albino. But that wasn't the only thing that made him different; all the time, he would watch her, as if he was afraid she was in some sort of danger. She was curious about the secret he seemed to posess, but was afraid it might put her life at risk -- maybe even the lives of those she cared about. Make it interesting. Make it unique. No one wants a Twilight clone, anyway. ;3
