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 Post subject: Nala's Journey to Nome,Alaska
PostPosted: Mon Aug 18, 2008 7:44 am 
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Nala,Simba,Balto,and Jenna are properties of Disney,and Universal.

Chapter 1.

The sun was beginning to rise,Nala,and Simba woke up yawning toothily,"good morning",they said to each other at the same time,then after that,they decided to patrol the Pride Lands,yet again,when they noticed something strangely familiar to them,"Simba,what is that?",Nala pointed out,"Oh no"Simba shouted,"Nala,run,it's that time warp portal,that brought Balto,Jenna,and their daughter Aleu here",but it was too late,the portal had a hold of Nala,and whisked her away,while she shrieked,"SIMBAAAAAAAAAAA!",and Simba also hollered out,"NALAAAAAAAA!"

Balto,and Jenna were already awake,when they noticed the portal they traveled to Pride Rock in suddenly appearing before them,when a strange,but familiar looking form appeared before them,Jenna gasped,then replied,Simba?,is that you?,Balto chuckled,"no,no,no,Jenna,""that's the female lion that we met when we were in their land","Oh,then you must be....."Nala"Nala replied to both of them,"well,welcome to Nome Alaska,but why isn't Simba with you?"they both asked Nala,"well,it's like this,"Nala answered them,"The portal that transported you two to Pride Rock,was unable to whisk Simba away".

Nala then asked them,"which one of you two,would be willing to show me around around Nome,Alaska,while I'm here,Jenna boldly stepped forward,I'd be more than happy to do that,but then Balto spoke up,"no Jenna,please allow me to show Nala around Nome",ok,Jenna replied,then turned away,and walked away with her tail high in the air,"Well!",Nala retorted,"what's with Jenna,does it really matter which of you two shows me around the town",I mean it's not like I'm gonna try anything foolish with you,Balto,when I've got Simba on my mind".


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 Post subject: Re: Nala's Journey to Nome,Alaska
PostPosted: Mon Aug 18, 2008 8:40 am 
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Chapter Two


While Balto ws showing Nala around Nome,Jenna was beginning to suspect that Nala,and Balto were up to no good,and decided to follow them,when she accidently stepped on a stick,making it snap in half,and hearing the noise,made Balto,and Nala,turn their heads around,to see Jenna standing there,with an angry look in her eyes"well?,Jenna snapped,what are the both of you really up to?"Jenna questioned of them both,Nala then took Jenna aside,while she replied to Balto"would you excuse us,for a moment,while we girls go and have a little chat between ourselves.

After the chat between Nala,and Jenna,Nala replied to Balto,shall we continue on with the tour of Nome,Jenna,before walking away from them,cleared her throat,and replied,Balto?,"might I have a quick word,or two with you","of course Jenna",Balto answered,then turned to Nala,I'll be with you in a second",Oh take your time,Balto","there's really no big hurry",but before Nala realized it,their discussion was over,and Balto proceeded to show Nala around Nome.

While Balto was showing Nala the town,the townspeople,ran for their lives,when they saw the strange creature,that is all but one who decided to take aim at Nala,but before he could pull the trigger,Balto wrestled away the gun from him,and tossed to into a rock,where it exploded into a million pieces,"Whew",Nala exclaimed,thank you a whole lot,she then wiped the sweat off her head,with her paw,Oh,think nothing of it Balto exclaimed back,"it was my pleasure.


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 Post subject: Re: Nala's Journey to Nome,Alaska
PostPosted: Mon Aug 18, 2008 1:00 pm 
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Chapter three.

When Balto,and Nala came back into town,Jenna was standing before them,with a face that had a look of shock upon it,"I heard the gunshot off in the distance"replied Jenna,"Balto,are you ok?",Jenna,I'm fine,Balto answered,It's Nala,we should be worrying about,Jenna sneered,why?,what's so special about her?,JENNA,Nala snapped,you should be ashamed of yourself,keep in mind that Balto's is your soulmate,not mine,and nothing went on between us.

Jenna then looked away from both of them,with a sheepish grin,oh I'm so ashamed, I simply forgot for a moment,that you have a mate also,"oh,don't give it any more thought"Nala responded,while beaming brightly at Jenna,"now come on let's get back to where we should be"Nala said to them,"well if you two fine ladies will excuse me"Balto interrupted them,"why?,where are you off to", Nala asked him,"Balto's going back to his boat"Nala looked at them,then tilted her head to one side,"doesn't Balto sleep with you then?""Certainly not",Jenna replied softly,"come on let's go back to my house,and get some sleep,you look like you need some","I will",and certainly do"Nala gently replied.


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 Post subject: Re: Nala's Journey to Nome,Alaska
PostPosted: Tue Aug 19, 2008 11:56 am 
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Chapter Four


When Jenna woke up,she yawned toothily,and whispered,Nala,Nala,are you awake?,Nala woke up yawning toothily,"I'm awake now,why did you wake me up for"Nala asked,in a nearly full roar,which nearly made Jenna run off in fear.

Meanwhile Balto was coming to see them,and had to quicken his pace,at the sound of the noise he heard,"Jenna?,what's going on here?,Balto asked her,when I went to wake Nala up,she half-roared at me,Jenna said somewhat shakily,"well",Balto began,"you never know how someone new,or barely new to us,will react to either of us.


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 Post subject: Re: Nala's Journey to Nome,Alaska
PostPosted: Thu Aug 28, 2008 7:15 am 
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Chapter 5.

Jenna looked away from Balto,and Nala in complete shame,"you're both right of course"she replied,Nala,and Balto nodded in agreement,then spoke to Jenna in a calm tone of voice"Oh,don't give it anymore thought Jenna",they replied.


Then Jenna noticed two others things that were happening,one was Balto starting to make a move on Nala,when she heard not one,but two ear deafening roars,one was that coming from Nala,herself,and the other one was coming from inside the time-portal,when it opened,Simba came out of it,and leapt toward Balto,who saw through Simba's attack,and quickly side-stepped Simba,and tripped him up,sending him reeling in the dirt.

Simba got up,and concentrated his thoughts on Balto,leaping towards him,and this tome onto him,making Nala,and Jenna both gaze in astonishment at his move on Balto,"Simba"Nala roared,let him up"Balto?,are you okay""I'm fine Jenna"Balto replied,while getting back on his paws.


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 Post subject: Re: Nala's Journey to Nome,Alaska
PostPosted: Fri Aug 29, 2008 8:42 am 
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Chapter Six.

Nala noticed Balto trying to get back onto his paws,and then nodded at Jenna to help her get him back onto them,Balto then grinned at them both,"I certainly appreciate the help you've both given me,but let's all get back to where we are staying at,"wait"Simba interrupted,"where will I stay?",Balto considered this,"with me,of course.

Nala followed Jenna back to her house,after bidding Simba,and Balto goodbye,when all of them had arrived where they were sleeping at,all four of them fell fast asleep,and then early next morning,woke up,bright,and early the next morning,and met up with each other again,outside Jenna's house,"well now that Simba's here,I take it another tour of Nome is in order?"Nala asked.

Simba looked at the three of them in shock,"When can this be arranged"he asked,"right now,if you wish",Balto replied,"would you two girls like to accompany us?,Nala,"and I woud be delighted to"Jenna responded for both of them,"Well,shall we begin the tour,before it gets dark?"Balto asked them.


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 Post subject: Re: Nala's Journey to Nome,Alaska
PostPosted: Fri Aug 29, 2008 8:24 pm 
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Well, it's a bit confusing at first, but it's a pretty good story.
I have these suggestions:
1) Paragraphs - Make a new paragraph at the beginning and end of each conversation and with each change of speaker. This makes them alot easier to read.
2) Grammer - Periods, commas, quotation marks. All of these are key to a gramatically correct story.
3) Capitalize any I (as in, "I ran there.") and the first word of each sentence and quote.

If you have any questions or concerns. Feel free to PM me. There are also quite a few handy writers guides on this forum if you are interested.

Cheers!
-LWf

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 Post subject: Re: Nala's Journey to Nome,Alaska
PostPosted: Sat Aug 30, 2008 9:12 am 
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The reason this is confusing is because,you haven't read,Balto-Time-Warp to Pride Rock.

And cheers to you also. ~~Pretty Jenna

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 Post subject: Re: Nala's Journey to Nome,Alaska
PostPosted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 1:54 pm 
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Ah I think its confusing because they way you wrote it as lone wolf said you should take his tips its not because of what we have or havent read.
Hope that helps.

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