Canis Lupus wrote:
A promising start, however I have a few suggestions:
-I would start a new paragraph every time a new person speaks. This just makes it easier to read.
-Shorten your sentences. Instead of She got off the garbage can and started to take a walk wondering if Toyah woke up yet, it would flow much better if it were something like: She got off the garbage can and started to take a walk. She wondered if Toyah had woken up yet. This helps the story flow along more easily.
This is really interesting though, and I think you should write more.
Im new at this so I can't really think about how it might sound better. I will follow what you told me and continue.
