I think it's a very original idea, and that you should continue. However, I suggest:
-Try and use paragraphs when someone speaks, the mood changes or for when someone's point of view changes. It just makes it easier to read.
- I love the descriptions in the passage, but unless they are going to feature largely in the book, I wouldn't bother describing certain characters in too much detail. If they do play a huge part, try spreading it out a little, so it develops naturally.
Otherwise, I really like your story and hope to see more.
