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 Post subject: Yield in the Jungle (finished)
PostPosted: Fri May 23, 2008 7:17 pm 
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About Balto's great granddaughter Dinah. (Idea provided by Rangerwolf) She and her master ship to Africa to study cheetahs but they end up getting lost in the terrible African jungle. Shortfic. Dinah © CatWhoHas14Tails. Run Like Hell © CatWhoHas14Tails. Miki © Draco




Written in like an hour. Don't expect anything spectacular




~~~~~~



"You ready to get back on land, Lovely?" asked my master Bran. I barked in response, with a few wags of my tail. I really was ready to get off this ship. It was hot and reeked of men and dead fish. The weather was a drastic change from the weather in my first home. I was a few months old at the time, and I lived in a town called Nome Alaska. There I lived happily with my brothers John Tom and Dino, my sisters, Aderyn and Tula, and my mother Stunner, and my father Summer. My first master Meg named me Dinah, but when Bran adopted me, he renamed me Lovely. When I met him I loved him immediately. He had a beard on his face (which is now gone) and wore big glasses, and behind those glasses were a pair of kind, aged eyes. When I was little I spent most of my time with my father, but now I spend most of my time with Bran, who is just like a father to me.

After I was adopted, Bran and I moved down south to a place called California, where he did research on animals. I knew about nothing on such things and I didn't care to. All I wanted to do is go with Bran wherever he went.

Before we got on this ship, I remember sitting on Bran's bed with him. It was a blustery autumn morning and the sun was peering in through the window curtains. Most of Bran's belongings were packed in a large suitcase. He scratched under my chin and smiled. He said that we were going to Africa for a while and he was going to take me with him because he couldn't bare the thought of me being left behind for a long time. I was happy he wasn't abandoning me, though I knew that if he did leave me, that he would be back. He told me that he hoped I didn't get lost, and I told him that I would never leave his side. He didn't understand me, but I meant what I said just the same.

I looked off the edge of the ship and saw land. I was very excited to see land. Paws in warm dirt would be a nice change from the cold deck of the ship. We finally managed to get back on land, but as soon as we did, we had to get on a plane. I was frustrated and didn't want to move just yet, but I followed Bran anyway. We flew for a couple hours, which seemed like years because the sound of the plane was very loud in my ears. I was tempted to just jump out of the plane so that I wouldn't have to hear it anymore.

When we finally landed, we were in a wide, open, golden plain. The grass was very tall, and there were no trees on it, but a few yards away, I could see a forest full of trees I've never seen before. They were oddly shaped and all green. I could hardly see any brown from their trunks because they were covered in mosses and grasses. But the bad thing about this place was it was extremely hot. Hot enough to make anyone go mad.

As Bran unloaded all of his supplies from the plane, I decided to go exploring, mostly to go find some shade to relieve myself from the heat. I made my way to the edge of the forest and as I peered in something in the back of my head told me not to go in there. I looked into the forest and what was weird was I could barely see anything. Sunlight did peer through the leaves, but all the light showed was more trees. I wondered if there was another end to the forest.

"I wouldn't go in there if I were you." said an impossibly deep voice from behind me.

I jumped at the sound ringing in my ears and faced the source of the earth-shaking voice. I looked up to see a huge golden black-spotted cat. I gasped and submitted. I lowered my entire shaking body to the ground as far as I could. I looked to the side and saw another huge spotted cat coming towards me.

"Look, Miki, another dog!" said the first one in his thunderous voice. "Only this one isn't chasing us."

"So what do we do with it?" the second cat said. This one was also male, but seemed younger than the first one. He also wasn't as massive.

I was shaking more than I ever did before. What were these cats going to do to me? Were they going to eat me? Where was Bran?

The larger cat looked at Miki then back down at me with a gentle appearance on his face. "You don't have to be afraid of us, miss, we're just having a bit of sport."

He sounded kind. And convincing; like he meant it. I slowly stood on all fours and smiled nervously. Even standing they were taller than me, though in comparison they were alot sleeker than me. Their thin bodies and long legs said they were definitely built for speed.

"Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Run Like Hell and this is my pal Miki." The two smiled at me. "What's your name?"

"Oh! I'm Lovely." I said. I chuckled at how odd our names were. There was a moment of silence as I warily peered back into the forest.

"As I said, Lovely, I wouldn't go into that jungle." Run Like Hell continued.

"Why?"

"You know how many people go in there and don't come out alive? If they come out at ALL?" Miki asked, not sounding like he expected me to know. "Too many. Not many animals go in there. And surely we cheetahs don't go in there. We're smarter than that."

I wasn't one to doubt the ones who lived here, but I found it a little difficult to believe that NO ONE came out of there alive. Someone must have. "I'm sure if you keep a trail, you won't get lost, right?" I asked.

"There are no trails." Run Like Hell said. "All the trails get covered up in a matter of minutes and whoever tries loses track of where they are anyway. The heat confuses them to the point where they panic. And everyone knows that panic equals death."

How the larger cheetah said that really frightened me to say the least. It was a sure thing that if one panikced they wouldn't survive. It was like that in the cold; so it was no surprise it applied in the heat too.

"Anywhere else is a heck of a lot safer than that jungle." Miki continued. "It's all pretty dangerous anyway. But since you've befriended us, you're safer than most." he grinned, making me feel alot better. I heard Bran calling me, so I had to bid my new friends farewell for now and go in the direction of his voice.

I lost track of how many weeks we stayed in this place, but it seemed like a lifetime, and I still wasn't too used to the heat. Tho it was better than before. Bran kept having to trim his beard with his machete to keep his face cool. I often wished he's use the thing on me so I wouldn't have to deal with the heat too, but Run Like Hell and Miki said the fur protects us from the sun, so I didn't complain for long. I only saw those two every once in a while. Bran would study them from afar, but that was mostly the kind of the interaction we've had since I met them.

One day, I was following Bran as he explored the area outside of camp, as per usual, when he stopped outside of the jungle from before and peered in, almost like some evil was drawing him in. I stared back and fourth from him to the jungle, hoping that all he was doing was admiring the greenness, but when he readied his machete and started hacking at some of the plants, I whimpered. Why was he going in there!? I grabbed at his pant leg with my teeth and tugged.

"Don't go in there!" I said through my fangs as I pulled.

"Oh, Lovely," Bran said, patting my head. "I'm not going in far. C'mon." He pinched the sides of my jaw together with his fingers, making me let go, and he walked into the woods. Without a second thought, I ran in after him, the sharp leaves cutting at my face. I had to protect him, and make sure we didn't get lost. I stayed close at his heels, both to keep track of him and keep my face away from those painful plants. I'd look back every once in a while to make sure our path was still there, but as the cheetahs said before it disappeared. And soon, both of us lost track of where we were. Even trying to head in the opposite direction only got us more lost. It seemed like we were going deeper and deeper into the jungle, because it was getting darker and darker out. It might have been because it was getting late out, but just the same, the jungle wasn't getting any cooler, even with all of this shade.

In no time, it was pitch black in the jungle and neither of us could see. All of the night animals were roaring and squeaking and hissing, making me excruciatingly nervous. Bran eventually felt around and took a seat at the base of a tree. I cuddled up beside him, to protect both him and myself from the dangers we couldn't see.

"Don't worry, girl," Bran said, trying to fall asleep, tho I could tell in his voice he was scared out of his mind about our current situation. "We'll find our way back in the morning." He squeezed me tight in his arms, burying his face into my fur. He eventually did fall asleep, feeling safe with me there. But I didn't dare sleep. I kept a watchful eye out for anything. I eventually found a strange quasimoto-looking animal I had never seen before hanging in a tree. With its silhouette I could see its wiry hair and big ears, and its two glowing eyes. It reached out to me with long deformed, twiggy fingers.

"Lost..." it mumbled.

I sniffed, trying to get a good whiff of this animal, but there was no wind blowing my way, so it was difficult to smell it. "Yes, we're lost." I said. "Can you help us, please? We've only been lost a day, and we can't find our way."

All it did was cackle and climb into its nest. What an awful creature. It didn't even attempt to assist us in any way. All it assisted us in was creeping me out.

Morning finally came, and I was still wide awake. Bran eventually woke up too, thankful he made it through the night, but he immediately stood up and picked a direction to go in. It seemed a little familiar, so I followed, being careful of him swinging that machete around.

"Lovely, look," Bran said, lifting up a branch that was in front of him. It was cut in half. "This branch as already been cut. I think we're going the right way!" I barked, excited that we were finally getting out of there. We quickened our pace, eventually seeing a bright light ahead of us, which was a sign of hope. Bran urged me to go faster, and he didn't have to ask twice. I felt so much energy, thinking that finally we were able to leave this place.

When we finally made it to the edge of the forest, our hearts sank. We came across, not a way to leave, but just a small treeless area of the jungle that seemed brighter than the rest of it. Bran growled in frustration, and was about to take a step forward, but then stopped himself. I looked at where he stopped and right before him was quicksand. He gasped slightly and took a few steps back and headed in the other direction. I followed, feeling a bit hopeless that we'd never find our way out of here.

Another day passed, and both of us were feeling fatigue. We hadn't had anything to drink in two days, and nothing to eat. There were no little animals around to feast on, and there wasn't any vegetation Bran could eat. We were moving slower and slower with each step, getting hotter and hotter each time. The night helped little. I did my best to help us get out of there, at least with my sense of smell, but nothing smelled familiar to me. I also did my best to encourage Bran to keep going, because he looked like he was about to collapse any minute. His body was shaking vigorously whether he moved or not, and his clothes were wet with sweat. His beard adding more perspiration to his face.

Bran stopped, and I did the same. He looked back at me, desperation in his eyes. His shaking was making the sweat drip from his face faster. He slowly turned his whole body around.

"I'm...sorry...Lovely."

"It's okay." I said, tho he couldn't understand me. I stared at his face, trying to make him feel better, telling him I was there for him. I told him we were getting out and going back to Nome, to the cold. That we were leaving this cursed place, this prison; this hell. As I was telling him this, none of it seemed to be reaching him. But he was reaching for his machete. I started backing up. He was scaring me. I didn't like him with that thing in his state.

He raised his hand and brought the thing down on me. I yiped loudly, tho I wasn't hit, and tried scampering away. He grabbed my tail and pulled me back with one hand.

I yiped again. "No! Please!"

But he wasn't listening. He raised his weapon again and I raised my head up and bit him. He yelled out, dropping his weapon to grab his face, where I bit, and I took the chance to whip myself out of his grip, and I ran. I stopped a few feet away to look back at him. When he returned his gaze, his eyes were almost pupil-less. He looked insane, like the heat got too close to his mind. He didn't look like Bran anymore. Bran was too far away to come back. He was lost. A tear came to my eye at the thought of leaving him, but if I didn't right there, he would chase me and kill me. So, just like many men do to their dogs, I abandoned him.

I walked onward for a whole day, tired, hungry, thirsty, hot, and most of all, lonely. I wish there could've been another way. I wish that I didn't have to abandon Bran. He was so good to me. And if he killed me, he probably had a chance to go on longer... I started crying, and threw myself to the ground out of exhaustion, and closed my eyes. I felt myself relax after a bit...and opened my eyes to see two familiar cheetahs. I smiled.


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 Post subject: Re: Yield in the Jungle (finished)
PostPosted: Sat May 24, 2008 6:44 am 
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An intriguing story, to say the least. I like how you have written the shortfic, moreso what setting it is in.

What I have taken in here is especially the relationship between Bran and Dinah/Lovely (hereby referred to as the latter), and I like how you managed to get it forward in such a way one can actually put oneself in the same situation and somehow ''experience the characters' emotions''. Not many writers can achieve that, and keep it on that level throughout a fiction.
Often, when I read a story that tries to promote the characters' relationship toward one-another the writers fail at upholding that and make it a successful story.

And the last part of the story where Bran wanted to kill (and possibly eat) Lovely made me feel for both of them, and I think you did a wonderful job on that part as well.

I must really say, I liked Run Like Hell's name. Very original.


Now, there are two things that bothers me, and those are the lack of descriptions... and the "tho".

I have a number of questions about the story, and some of those are;
What do Dinah/Lovely and Bran look like?
Run Like Hell and Miki are poorly described; what do they look like as well?
What did the ship look like?
.
I'd also love to get a better description of the jungle Lovely and Bran were lost in. I realize you wrote this in just about an hour (thanks to your little note at the beginning of the post), so the lacking descriptions are understandable, but annoying nonetheless.

I must also question the useage of "tho" instead of "though". I'm not the one to get hidden meanings and such very easily, but was it intended?


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 Post subject: Re: Yield in the Jungle (finished)
PostPosted: Sat May 24, 2008 11:44 am 
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Xulflow wrote:
I have a number of questions about the story, and some of those are;
What do Dinah/Lovely and Bran look like?
Run Like Hell and Miki are poorly described; what do they look like as well?
What did the ship look like?
.
I'd also love to get a better description of the jungle Lovely and Bran were lost in. I realize you wrote this in just about an hour (thanks to your little note at the beginning of the post), so the lacking descriptions are understandable, but annoying nonetheless.


Yeah, I'll probably go back and add that. Apart from laziness, I didn't describe things, cuz I was thinking like how Dinah would think. If you saw a jungle you wouldn't say to yourself "it was a thick tangled mass of tropical vegetation that screamed death maze." I did describe it a bit, but it was amateurish. I THOUGHT I gave Bran a good description, but now I'm wondering if I put it in the fic or somewhere else. But if I didn't give him a good one, it was probably because I was thinking "Dinah already knows what he looks like. I'll leave it up to the readers to picture him."

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I must also question the useage of "tho" instead of "though". I'm not the one to get hidden meanings and such very easily, but was it intended?


I use "tho" instead of "though" because it irks me that 50% of that word is unnecessary for pronouncing/typing it. If this were a professional piece, I'd grit my teeth and use the whole word.


But thank you both for getting some kinda kick out of it.


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 Post subject: Re: Yield in the Jungle (finished)
PostPosted: Sat May 31, 2008 2:12 pm 
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I really enjoyed the story, I'm actually quite happy about the fact that Dinah's life isn't in Nome or anywhere else in Alaska. I like the experiences she faces in Africa. Besides, Steele's generation can be spread all around the world XD

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I use "tho" instead of "though" because it irks me that 50% of that word is unnecessary for pronouncing/typing it. If this were a professional piece, I'd grit my teeth and use the whole word.


That is so true Cat :lol: Who knows, maybe you'll help to bring improvements to English language

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 Post subject: Re: Yield in the Jungle (finished)
PostPosted: Sat May 31, 2008 6:27 pm 
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Hmm, this proved to be rather interesting, Cat!

The main thing that I liked was the name "Run Like Hell" . . . it sounds like something you would think up anyway! You are genius.

Other than the lack of descriptions, I think that the story fit rather well. It wasn't too bad for an "let's-write-something-decent-in-an-hour" type of thing, but it almost seemed to blend Balto with TLK a bit IMO.

Great job, Cat! I await your next fic! (BTW, I'll PM you about that "other" fic you sent me months ago . . . LOL)

- Juuchan17

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 Post subject: Re: Yield in the Jungle (finished)
PostPosted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 3:42 pm 
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I have greatly anticipated this story, and you have not let me down. This story was fairly good for something written in an hour. I just have a few questions.

The creature that Dinah incountered in the jungle, what was it? From the description, I thought of a Bush Baby or maybe an Aye-Aye.

Have you read a short story called "To build a fire" by Jack London? Bran becoming lost and insane in the jungle reminded me of this story, except it took place in freezing cold weather. Worth a read, if you haven't already.

Are you going to make a sequel to this story? Because I would really like to know what happens to Dinah after she finally gets out of the jungle and finds her cheetah friends.

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