Animation Source Forums

Hey. As most of you probably know by now, me and JerseyCaptain haven't been getting along pretty recently (there was a rather nasty exchange of words a few times because I spoke my thoughts in the mod's box, which Lumin got his hands on, but that's not the point, nor purpose of this topic). I've had him on my ignore list for about a month now, but hell; I can't live with being on the bad side of someone for very long, and I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't get this off my chest.

First of all, about this, I believe our differences were the reasons for our verbal fight, with both parts resorting to low blows and psychological warfare (if I may call it that). We both have our viewpoints, and we both see things in a good perspective ('least I'm trying to), and lately these have clashed and created a series of events, eventually leading to my losing control over my temper and, well... saying a few nasty words (and this is what bothers me most of all), to put it mildly, and basically creating a war between us, that we both ended by ignoring and blocking each others (both on MSN and on BS).

The reason I lost control over my temper, was mainly because of my annoyance with Jersey that had developed throughout our rather weak friendship (also, I take blame for that part), and the fact that information from the Moderator's Box has been leaked before, and we can't seem to be able to fix it, and now information which was supposed to be private, confidential, mod business, had been leaked out to a person who couldn't restrain him/herself from telling others to cause trouble, on a public spot, that Jersey happened to read, for it to be used against me. I believe anyone can imagine what frustration it could have created.
In any case, if I can't say what I mean, think or believe, not even in a supposedly private space, without risking it being used against me like that, then I am not surprised why so many have left BaltoSource.
This is what caused my frustration, and eventually let to my losing the self-control I was so valiantly trying to keep intact.

The second reason was because of some rather unfortunate forum-related events which I will not speak of in any detail here (I can just tell you it was forum-related, but was discussed over MSN).

Now, my frustration, justified or not, lingered since then. The last e-mail which I sent to him was one of my nastiest ones 'till then, however I wanted to get my final feelings off my chest, in hope that I would ultimately get over our fight now that I didn't have anything more to say (I ended up not reading his response and just sending it back to him with the title "Didn't read", to avoid getting even more things I would need to voice sooner or later). Now that some time has passed, I have fallen victim to insomnia, and spend my days on sleeping drugs and in bed trying to keep alive (as a matter of fact, I can barely lift my arms to type this) which is also the reason I haven't been much active here. I have gotten about twelve hours of sleep since Saturday, and my time awake has allowed me for some thinking time. Having kept myself busy for the last month trying to forget all about what happened between me and him, I began thinking that maybe I ought to apologize. Although my pride says I shouldn't, my common sense tells me to.

From my point of view, I didn't do anything especially wrong to begin with, but I ultimately lowered myself to another level in frustration.


Secondly, I do have some mental issues (most of the BS population should know about my having Asperger's by now), but thanks to meditation, good parents and a big heart (literally, that keeps me from being physically active) this can barely be noticed... in a one or two-time meeting.
Often, I end up annoying people, in some cases "turn them off" from getting to know me better after having known them for a few days, and this really does make me sad. Deep down, I'm a kind person, who can't tolerate being on someone's bad side, and who suffers powerful physical discomfort when I am (symptoms include uncontrolled shaking, insomnia, loss of appetite, etc.).
Also, I do have a rather bad side, however, which is the reason I have gotten the Court to forbid alchohol being sold to me in Norway. To explain it as simple as possible, I have a few more "mental blocks" than most other people.
These blocks are something we all have, that makes us able to live in a society like we do today. These restrain what we say, keep our thoughts at bay, allows us to feel sorry for someone, keeping greed away, etc.

Now, when I lose my temper (or drink alchohol), three blocks open for me. One is self-restraint, the second is violence, and the third is consciousness. My self-restraint is pretty obvious, and the reason I meditate is to keep my violent self at bay. However, when something occurs that makes the third mentioned block open, the two remaining ones disappear as well. When I lose my temper, I get a "blackout" and for me it feels like a second has passed, and suddenly the damage is done. Because of this, I generally tend to be more aggressive and rude when I have come to this level (which belongs to the violence part of my "blocks"), and it can last for hours, perhaps even days.

The day(s) this happened on, I had completely lost it. I can barely even recall anything out of it, hadn't it been for the PM's I forgot to delete.


But I am physically suffering from what happened back then, and I hope this will make life a bit easier for me now.


JerseyCaptain, I am sorry. I am sorry for losing my temper and becoming nasty towards you, I am sorry for having been such a pain, and I am really sorry about what I said to you in a few of my messages to you. In short, I am really sorry for what I did, and it should never have happened.

I hope you can forgive me.


- Luxy

PS. Because you got me on full ignore, posted in public in hope of your attention.

Wouldn't it have been better if you sent JC a PM?

He blocks PM's and e-mails from me. Only way I could get this through.

I doubt he'll read it if he's that mad.

If you say so.