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Looks promising. But next time, try just adding the new stuff in a new post. That's how it's usually done, and it keeps your topic higher on the list.

o.O umm..this is AWESOME!!!

Looks interesting tell me when the next part of the fanfic is up

Well, that was... intense.

Yet another unexpected twist. Bummer.

Well, I must say that the story moves a little too fast for my liking, but you've managed to capture the feel you need for a good story.

I am going to give you my completely honest and full "review" on the story so far ("review" used in lack of a better word).

First of all, you need descriptions. More descriptions. You need to paint an image into the reader's mind. I am having problems imagining environments and the characters because of the lacking descriptions. You need to improve on this point in order to become a better writer.
The story itself has an interesting and unique genre, but as I said before, it moves much too quickly. Suddenly your characters are somewhere, then the next thing that happens is who-knows-what and they're suddenly in a godforsaken place (naturally exaggerated, of course) doing something.
It just doesn't make any sense.

Your use of an apostrophe ( the ' mark ) is indeed lacking as well, and it makes it harder to read and understand the text properly, and could lead to misunderstandings. Other than that, your punctuation and imagination is good. Your story is good, if not a bit too quick-moving, while you have captured the feel of fiction.

In conclusion; you have a decent story with much potential.

Rated 6/10 by me.


I'll be looking forward to seeing the next parts of this fic, by the way.

Heheh. If you don't mind, I can give you some hints and guidelines over PM's, of when to use comma's and apostrophe's, and correct useage of them.

I can lend you some of my wisdom in this post even (*cough cough*).

For example, a correct useage of comma would be;
The wolf ran through the forest, looking cautiously around.

A comma in this sentence induces a pause, which allows the reader to breathe.

A better example would be comparing these two modifications of a line.

The wolf ran through the forest looking cautiously around and hoped that nobody would see him but he wasn't that lucky.

The wolf ran through the forest, looking cautiously around and hoped that nobody would see him, but he wasn't that lucky.


Sentence 1: You read it through one breath. You should run out of breath a little over halfways while reading it.

Sentence 2: Commas induces pauses so the reader may breathe, making reading a lot more easier.

Not that I think you don't know this already, but a reminder is always good


[Edit]Typo =S

Nice new part.

There's only a few things I'd like to point out for you.


The shortened version of "you are" is "you're". Your is a word referring to something one own, or possesses.


And here you've used an apostrophe on the word marked in bold.
If we say that as you've written it without shortening the words it would be "Jack's eye is widened".
Eye in plural becomes "eyes" without an apostrophe.


Same as above. Cop in plural is cops, no apostrophe.

Also, on many places, you've written cant. Can't is written with an apostrophe.
I know, English is often confusing.

And your grammar is improving. There's nothing (which I can see right now) that I feel the need to point out.
So there really isn't much else. Great improvement, and now I can follow the story without getting the feeling everything goes too fast.

Looking forward to the next part.