Animation Source Forums

Sarabi,Sarafina,and Mufasa(c)Disney
Plotline:way before Sarabi and Sarafina gave birth to Simba and Nala.
Chapter 1:While running away from the pride that she was a part of,Sarabi falls into a pit,
and roars until she is heard by a handsome partially red maned lion,
give me your paw,and I'll pull you out,Sarabi nods and does so,now what's your name Oh handsome one,
Sarabi inquires of himThe young male lion blushes and responds,my name is Mufasa,and it's my pleasure to rescue you from that hunters trap,um,I didn't catch your name,Sarabi,she replied,my name is Sarabi,
when suddenly another lioness approached them,my name is Sarafina,Sarafina,Mufasa politely interrupted,her,this is Sarabi,a pleasure to meet you Sarafina,Sarabi replied,
as they walked back towards a very spectular place known as Pride Rock.

Chapter 2:When Sarabi saw Pride Rock,she stood stock still in amazement,Mufasa!,you actually live here?
why yes I do my dear Sarabi,meanwhile Sarafina dashed happily towards it,then looked back at them well hurry up you two slowpokes,she giggled at Mufasa,and Sarabi,but soon they dashed ahead of her,and
chuckled back,who're you calling slowpoke,you slowpoke,and
when they arrived there together they settled down inside the dark and cool cave..........

Sarabi, you have a very nice idea, and some basics to go after. However, there are many points in your fanfic which I need to point out for you.

First of all; the chapters are too short. I can't really enjoy reading your story, because whenever I start to get into it, either the scene changes, or it's transmuted into another chapter. Secondly, your dialouges are very confusing and hard to read, and there are so few descriptions that it makes my spine shiver.
Thirdly, you need to practice your punctuation, grammar, and creating a storyline (I suggest that you read Rotramel the Writer's tutorials ). You lack the " "'s between conversational sentences, and all in all, the setup gives me a powerful headache.
Must give it a 3/10 rating, sadly.
Sorry, but this is exactly how my point of view is. Don't let it keep you down, however. Becoming a good writer takes time, and practice. Even if it's so back you want to throw it through a wall, keep writing. You'll always improve if you write

Don't feel so down because of my thoughts, but rather use my, and possibly everyone's opinions to improve yourself.
Keep up the good work.

Thanks for your criticism,I find it most useful,and shall try to make the chapters a bit more longer,

^^ That's great. If you would like a pinpoint on how you can do it, you should check out my fanfics. That's one way to do it. I use a technique called "Retroperspective Writing", which reveals character history during the story, and not before.
In case anybody who reads this are wondering.
Or maybe you should try reading Rotramel's. They're long (100+ pages, most of them), but awesome.

Re-edited,and awaiting a review from Lonewolf_fanwriter.