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angryunicorn
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Post subject: Her Jealousy - TEASER Posted: Fri Aug 24, 2007 4:46 pm |
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| Animation Source is my home! |
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Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2005 10:41 am Posts: 3023
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Beauty_Jenna and I decided to team up and work on the continuation to Love Summer ;D This fic concerns my character Stunner and her character Summer and their relationship after the events of Love Summer and will also show a bit of a backstory to the character Sadie, who still wants Summer's love for herself.
This first part of the fic was written by Beauty_Jenna and edited by myself.
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Stunner woke to a noise coming from outside her and her family's temporarily-empty house. Curiosity got the better of her and she exited through the doggy door. It was cooler out now because the seasons were beginning to change and winter was soon to come. She looked around where the noise was coming from. It was clearer now; it sounded like footsteps and a familiar voice. Facing the direction from whence the familiar voice came, she saw the familiar loved one it came from, however, she was not all too thrilled to see him. He limped towards her, hardly containing his glee. "Summer..." she thought.
She called to him. "Summer! I told you to rest, you know your legs are not well yet!" Stunner exclaimed from the doorstep. She rushed to Summer for help. She was very concerned about him since he broke his legs one night. "Now let me help you," she said "What are you doing here? You know you're not fully well, do you want to go through this again?Well, I don't! So as soon as we get to my house, you lay down and stay put, do you understand?" She hated being such a distressed damsel, but she felt guilty about Summer's accident. She was the one who led him into chasing her.
"Yes, my dear, though I'd like you to stop worrying, I can assure you, I'm perfectly well." He smiled at her, kindly, but amused at her demand for his comfort.
"Yeah right, now stop that nonsense--" Stunner stopped as she saw Summer walking perfectly normal, making circles around her, with no limp in sight.
"Are you impressed?" he asked, winking at her.
"How did you...? What...? But I saw....I saw you hobbl-" Stunner was absolutely...stunned to see Summer up and about so soon after the accident. She was happy for him, but at the same time, confused.
"Allow me to take you home, darling." he offered. He lowered his head and propped her up under her stomach, raising Stunner up onto his back. She laughed.
"Watch out! Summer! Stop, you'll hurt yourself! Now, you know you're still--"
"Healthy? Yes, I'm aware of that" Summer interrupted playfully. The two dogs went together with a delight inside Stunner's house.
"Now, put me down!" she chuckled.
"As you wish," He put Stunner down on her fluffy and soft blanket inside Meg's room. Stunner grabbed Summer's collar and pulled him down in a coltish way, so that Summer laid down next to her. The dogs' privacy was disturbed as an older red hybrid entered the room.
"Hey, Summer!" Quinn exclaimed, noting it was him. "Feeling better? Don't disturb yourselves, I was just leaving." She was rather embarrassed to catch her daughter like this with Summer, explaining why she was speaking rather posthaste. Summer and Stunner didn't move for a while, also out of embarrassment, until Summer decided to say something.
"Morning. Yes, I am feeling well, thank you. How do you do?"
"Ah, fine I guess" Quinn answered.
"Uh mom, where are you goin'?" Stunner broke in.
"Oh, me? I'm just...uh going. To meet with. Your father, that's all" Quinn replied, almost feeling rather ashamed, since Stunner still was angry at her father.
"...Just be careful" Stunner warned. Quinn didn't reply, not wanting to start an argument with her daughter.
"Enjoy yourselves!" She concluded and left the house.
Stunner grew sad. Mentioning her father brought back the terrible thing he did to her mother that she couldn't forget.
"Stunner, honey, are you alright?" Summer asked worried.
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Ashur
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Post subject: Re: Her Jealousy - TEASER Posted: Fri Aug 24, 2007 10:37 pm |
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| Famous one |
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Joined: Sun Apr 22, 2007 7:35 pm Posts: 1625
Gender: Female
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Aww, that was really cute. The part where Summer showed Stunner he was better made me smile. I'll be looking forward to reading more of this fic ;D.
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Tyrael
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Post subject: Re: Her Jealousy - TEASER Posted: Sun Aug 26, 2007 9:48 am |
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Joined: Thu Aug 23, 2007 2:18 pm Posts: 52
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What a cute story! I really love it!!
Good luck!! I hope that it goes well!!!
_________________
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Lux - The Guardian
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Post subject: Re: Her Jealousy - TEASER Posted: Tue Aug 28, 2007 3:36 am |
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| Famous one |
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Joined: Fri Apr 27, 2007 4:37 am Posts: 1624 Location: Norway
Gender: Male
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I liked it a lot. You have a very interesting writing style, and it draws me nearly into the story. There are very few points that I can pick on, which is also a good thing.
First of all, your punctuation, grammar and spelling are overall great, and there's nothing to complain about there. Secondly, the story (at least what you've posted here) is also very good, and it's very easy to "live" the story, and in fact, I could imagine the feelings of Summer and Stunner when they were disturbed.
What I do miss, however, is to know how the area around them looked like. Sure, there were a few descriptions, but it didn't paint an entirely clear image of their surroundings. And then there's the ever-dreadful comments on dialouges. Only, it's not dreadful this time, lol. Your dialouges are good, short but descriptive, easy to read, and all-in-all, very good.
Overall, a great story, and the plot has lots of potential, and I would really like to read more of it.
9.8/10
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angryunicorn
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Post subject: Re: Her Jealousy - TEASER Posted: Tue Aug 28, 2007 12:56 pm |
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| Animation Source is my home! |
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Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2005 10:41 am Posts: 3023
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Thank you! I shall work on being more descriptive.
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