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Ashur
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 28, 2007 12:48 pm 
Famous one
Famous one
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Joined: Sun Apr 22, 2007 7:35 pm
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I like it, Angelfire!! :D Very interesting. I'll be sure to read it when it's done.

I only have trouble with one line:

Quote:
Dallas moved, Hinoiya saw dark brown fur move.


It doesn't really sound right to me. You could (if you want) change it to: 'Dallas moved, and Hinoiya glimpsed a patch of dark, brown fur.' Or something like that...

I'm not that good with fixing lines... :lol:
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