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Rated PG for violence, character death, and bullying

So I've started writing this story already and was wondering what people think of it. Here's the basic plot:

He's the outcast. The lowest of low. The omega. Just a year and a half into his life and Ashur Karpok regrets being born. Shunned by his pack and seen as a disgrace in the eyes of Gareth (his father and the alpha male), Ashur's life is not very pleasant. With beatings from his brother and future alpha, Adolfo, he wishes to be anywhere but his home. One evening, after a fight with his father, Ashur runs. Out of the boundary of the pack and out of his comfort zone.

Sounds like a typical story so far, doesn't it? Don't worry, it gets better.

Events take a twist when Ashur meets two lone wolves: Angel, a beautiful, cunning white wolf who's history remains a secret to Ashur and Kyan, a young, witty brown wolf who has a strange sense of humor, such as stalking people for fun. Now, three wolves are on a journey. A journey of pain and sorrow, love and joy, rejection and betrayal. All the trials they face, all the obstacles they have to get through, they all lead up to one thing. Defeating a being who is stronger than everyone, who thrives on pain alone. A name Ashur knew all to well. Adolfo.

So what do you think? I'm not very good at summaries and there's so much more to say, but I think that'd ruin the story. I'm very excited to hear your opinions!

~Ashur

CHARACTERS AND IDEA (C) ASHUR 2007 Please do not copy. That'd make me sad.

Also, incase you're wondering, this will be a serious book (probably rated PG). Adolfo has a reason for being the way he is and does not just want to be evil. Also, in some of my pictures, Ashur may look a tad-bit emo. I'll tell you now that he's not. And there will be two (at the moment) main characters who die in this story.

If you have a question nagging at you about the story that I didn't answer, or you're just curious about something, feel free to ask me about it.

Update

The Legend of the Ohanzee Lyall

In a world of secrets and untold truths live the Shadow Wolves. Seen as a threat, these creatures were banned from their packs and left to roam in the wild, where saddness and anger took over them.
These animals have been extinct for hundreds of years. Until the night when four were born into three different packs. Little did they know that they were fufilling a tale, fufilling a legend that was told among the creatures of the forest a long time ago.
Two would be brothers, one filled with pride and anger and one filled with sadness and love. One would be banned from her pack, piercing the heart of some but filling others with hope. And one would be abandoned, whose pack was captured and taken into the outer world of the forest.
These were wolves whose powers went unknown. These were wolves who would be different all their lives. These were the Ohanzee Lyall.[/b]

Wow! This looks really good! I'll definetly read this!

Nice sneak peek! Yep, it's official, I'll be reading this! I look forward to more!

Thank you! I thought no one would read this. Here's a small excerpt. My computer wouldn't let me indent:

I watched my dad make his way up to the front of the pack. I was sitting near the back of the meeting, far away from all the other wolves. I was even farther back than the omega, Monique. The loud voice of dad made my mind snap to attention.
“Thank you all for coming on this fine evening,” dad started. I was beginning to blank him out of my mind. Was this how all the meetings went? How could the pack stand it? From my reasonings, it was boring. I tried to tune in again. Something about winter, prey getting scarce, storing up food…then I heard it. He was about to anounce the rankings of me and my siblings. I started listening intensely.
“Now, onto the matter of my pups. They are old enough to start training for their positions in this pack. I have been watching them thoroughly and have decided on ranks that suit them the best, whether they like it or not. I have seen my oldest, Adolfo, as the leader of most of their games and adventures. Thus given, I have assigned him the position of future Alpha.” Howls swept through the crowd and I could see Adolfo sitting proudly. He glanced back and grinned slyly at me. I turned back to father when he began again.
“As I observed, Tara, my second oldest, would make a great Beta. Tala and Trey, my third and fourth, have mainly been the fighters. They have ended all of them fairly, which brings me to the point that they will be subordinates and, with a bit of practice, great warriors.”
More howls echoed through the crowd. I could see my dad sigh.
“And this brings me to the ru…” dad stopped mid- sentence, then continued, “…our youngest, Ashur. I haven’t been seeing him take place in activities and he hasn’t been going near other wolves. No offspring of the alpha had this rank before. I sadly announce that Ashur will be the…the omega.”
No howls of appreciation this time. Everyone just turned and stared at me. Some were muttering words to each other. I looked at the ground, feeling tears start to swell in my eyes. I shifted uncomfortably. Suddenly, I perked my ears up. Someone was padding towards me. I glanced up. It was mom. She licked my muzzle and started saying something into my ear.
“Be strong, my little fire,” she whispered, “ and your flame will never die out.”
Dad sighed and told the pack the meeting was over. Everyone left. Everyone but me. I curled up and cried myself to sleep.


When I awoke, light was only beginning to flood the forest floor. I glanced at the sky, looking for the sun. I finally saw it. It was still morining and, judging be sound, the pack was asleep. I yawned and stretched out. I could recall the meeting last night almost like it was happening again. ‘Omega…omega…omega.’ The words rang through my head. I tried to shake them out of my mind, but instead, another voice started saying things. And this time, it was real.
“I told you.” It said, “ I told you you were going to be the Omega.”
I looked up and saw Adolfo staring at me with his bright, yellowish-green eyes.
“Shut up Adolfo.” I muttered. He gave me an evil look.
“That’s no way to speak to your future Alpha.” He emphasized the ‘Alpha’ and puffed his chest out. I rolled my eyes and, sensing Adolfo was in the mood to make things bleed, started to walk away. I heard footsteps behind me and realized my brother was running after me.

I can understand Ashur's problem. He doesn't want to be the omega. Now he's being teased by his own brother for it? I sense Ashur is going to have a tough life.

So far this is really good. I'll be watching for more!

Yeah, he'll have a really tough life. Thank you for reading it!! I'll be sure to write more .