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Stories from Reader's Digest. All (supposedly) true:

A woman visiting her son at an army base ended up in conversation with one of his colleagues. She happened to ask what rank he was, to which he replied, "I'm relieved to say I've been promoted from captain to general."
"Relieved?" the woman asked. "Why is that?"
"Because," the general replied, "My last name is Hook."

Engineering classes at the University of Maryland are tough, and sometimes students go to extremes in order to pass. One teacher was grading exams and got to this question: "What is the relationship between potential and kinetic energy?"
One student, obviously stumped, decided to get clever. "As far as I know they are just friends," he wrote, "but there could be something else going on there."

A man in the Navy was once in line at a pharmacy, dressed in his Navy summer whites (aka sailor's uniform). A young boy kept staring at the man's arms, then whispered something to his mother, who in turn leaned over to the sailor.
"My son wants to know," she said, "if you have a can of spinach in your shirt."

A high-school graduate, fiddling with his class ring, asked his mother, "I've been wondering. What were you thinking when you gave me the initials ACH?"
"Nothing," she answered. "Why?"
He showed her the inscription. It read "ACHOO."

Paleontologists have recently discovered a creature which resembles a snake with two legs. They believe it is a direct ancestor of the first lawyer.

For years, a man denied he was an aggressive driver. That changed one day when he and his wife were out for a ride with their three-year-old.
Seeing a teaching opportunity, the mom began quizzing the kid about traffic lights. "What does a red light mean?" she asked.
"Stop," the boy answered.
"How about green?"
"Go."
"And yellow?"
In his best deep-voice impression of Daddy, the toddler bellowed, "Hang on!"

(One of my own jokes following)
A group of lions were plotting their escape from the circus and trying to decide who to elliminate first.
"Let's get the lion tamer," said one.
"Don't be stupid," said a second, "We should start with the ringleader."
A third lion scoffed. "Don't you blockheads know anything?" he asked. "If you want to strike a killing blow, go for the juggler."

This post is making me laugh just looking at it. But I got a Joke.

The Definition of NASCAR.

New Awesome Super Cookie Always Random!!
Ok I know that's not too funny, but I just had to put that. XDDD

Well, it's new.

Three people are stranded on a desert island. They enter a cave and find a magical lamp. They rub it, and out comes a genie. It grants each of them one wish.
"I wish I was home," says the first person. And so he is zapped home.
"I wish I was home too," says the second person. And so he is also zapped home.
"And you?" the genie asks the last person. The remaining person says:
"I wish my friends were back here, 'cause I'm lonely."

An Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman are on a plane. The plane is about to crash and there are only two parachutes on board. They discuss who should get one.
"I think I should get a parachute," says the Irishman, "because I have a family at home. If I die, there's no one to work for them and to feed them."
"I'm the owner of an enormous company," says the Scotsman, "so if I die, thousands of people could lose their jobs."
"Oh yeah," sneers the Englishman. "I've just won The Brain of Britain, because I'm really smart. The world needs smart people more than it needs you two. So that's why I'm having a parachute."
And with that, he grabs the nearest pack and jumps out the plane.
"Oh no, what are we going to do?" asks the Scotsman.
"Oh don't worry," says the Irishman. "We'll both get a parachute now, because Brain of Britain has just jumped out with my rucksack."

(Emphasis added)
I think you mean Irishman on that last part where it says Englishman, don't you?

Thanks for pointing that out - my mistake.

No problem. We all do stuff like that sometimes.

More from Reader's Digest:

Housewives aren't the only ones struggling in the suburbs. One nursery had this sign up: "Desperate Houseplants-25% off!"

Passenger in Coach: Is there any way I could get bumped up to first class?
Flight Attendant: Not unless we hit turbulence.

Sign in a coffee shop: "We hang local artists."

"What should I do?" yelled a panicked client to the receptionist at a veterinary clinic. "My dog just ate two bags of unpopped popcorn!"
Clearly not as worried as the pet owner, the receptionist answered cooly, "Well, the first thing I'd do is keep him out of the sun."

"Most people work all their life to be able to retire and play golf." Jack Nicklaus told the Associated Press once. "I've played golf all my life to retire and go to work."

Golfer Craig Stadler was once asked why he started using a new putter. "Why?" he replied, "Because the other one didn't float."

"The FDA approved the first-ever transdermal patch for the treatment of depression," Tina Fey announced on Saturday Night Live. "Simply remove the backing and press the patch firmly over your mother's mouth."

On The Tonight Show, Jay Leno revealed that researchers have found an enzyme in the brain that can control obesity. "They said if it wasn't for our brains, we would all be thin. That's why supermodels are so skinny."

I has one!!! *raises hand*

A foreign man comes to America and doesn't know English.

One day, he goes in a candy store. A little girl runs up to him and says "She stole my lollypop!" So he learned, she stole my lollypop.

The next day he goes in a resteraunt. He then learns "Forks and knives. Forkes and knives."

The next day he goes into an Air Wick store and learns "Plug it in! Plug it in!"

On his way home, he's stopped by a cop. The cop comes up to him and shows him a picture of a little girl. He says "Have you seen this little girl? She's been murdered. Did you murder her?"

The man shrugs.

"You did murder her, didn't you? What did you murder her with?"

"Forks and knives. Forks and knives."

"Why did you murder her?"

"She stole my lollypop!"

"Ok." Says the cop. "You're comming with me."

The cop takes the man in a room and sits him down in an electric chair. "Ok." Says one of the cops, "Tell us why you really murdered her. If you lie, we'll plug this cord in and you will get zapped with a thousand bolts and killed."

The man replies, "Plug it in! Plug it in!"

I'm sorry, but that's just sad.

Glad to hear it. Here's some more.
Odd Choice of Weapons (straight from real headlines)
"Man Jailed After Striking Boy With Dog"
"Snarling Animal Chased, Attacked Resident With Wife"

And, more bon mots from RD.

Traveling through Spain, two tourists soaked themselves in cthe culture, gorged on excellent food, and basically indulged their every whim. One day, they entered a shop that had the most beautiful coats. As they tried a few on, they noticed they were getting odd looks from the shopkeepers. They didn't know why until a kind English-speaking patron took pity on them.
"Excuse me," she said, "This is a dry cleaners."

Advertisement of a local bait shop: Our bait catches fish or dies trying."

Jay Leo on The Tonight Show once remarked, "Doctors are planning the first-ever face transplant. I hate to break it to the doctors, but I was at the Emmys. It's been done."

"If crime fighters fight crime, and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?"

-George Carlin RIP