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Draft 1 of Episode 2.

Like I said, I had some time on my hands so I was able to finish this draft pretty quickly. For some reason I also found it easier to write than Episode 1 (maybe because a lot of the groundwork had already been laid out). I tried to lay out the foundation for things that we know will come later, like Baloo and Kit getting sabotaged in the next race and Baloo deciding to go back to H4H at the end (he finds out racing is not the dream job he expected).



Yeah, I agree. As of now I think it's set up nicely for that to happen in the 3rd episode. Griffith could visit Jarrett at the airfield as he is preparing for the race. Actually I believe the plot has Jarrett succeeding in the sabotage, so Baloo and Kit get captured (RC and Wildcat have to come rescue them).


Interesting twist, I'm just not sure it's a necessary addition to the plot. I don't see why Griffith would want to risk any further ties to Cape Suzette...he got his money, made a clean break from CS, and has already moved on to other cities to scam. If he tried to extort Perry for more money, Perry might have him killed/exposed or something. Still, it's an interesting idea and I wouldn't rule it out.

Possible outline for Episodes 3 and 4...what do you guys think?

Episode 3

Raceville:
-Baloo and Kit go to Griffith's business front in Raceville to look for evidence. They don't confront Griffith directly, but Griffith gets suspicious anyway (maybe Baloo does something stupid to tip his hand) and decides he needs to get rid of Baloo and Kit. Baloo and Kit leave Griffith's hideout empty-handed and go to compete in the Death Valley 500.
-Griffith visits Jarrett at the airfield from the first episode. Griffith says he's heard about Jarrett's desire for revenge, and offers him money if he will sabotage Baloo and Kit in the Death Valley 500 and make it look like an accident. Jarrett agrees.
-Baloo and Kit bring the Sea Duck to the racetrack for the Death Valley 500, which is located deep in the desert. Jarrett is also there. While Baloo and Kit are distracted, Jarrett installs a device in the Sea Duck that will enable him to control the plane.
-The race starts. Jarrett waits until Baloo and Kit are deep in the desert, then forces the Sea Duck down with his sabotage device. Baloo and Kit crash into the desert.. Griffith and his henchmen capture them and bring them back to his hideout in Raceville. Kit leaves a “help” message in the Sea Duck.
-Ignatz flies out to the wreckage of the Sea Duck and finds Kit's message. The message asks anyone who reads it to please contact Rebecca Cunningham in Cape Suzette and let her know that Griffith is in Raceville, and Baloo and Kit have been captured by him.
-Ignatz flies to Cape Suzette to deliver the message.

Cape Suzette
-Thugs working for Perry wait outside Rebecca's apartment at night.
-In her apartment, RC is putting Molly to bed when the thugs break into her apartment. RC realizes Perry is trying to silence her. Fortunately, the thugs underestimate Molly (Danger Woman) and RC's capacity to fight back. RC and Molly fight off the thugs in a surprising show of strength and escape the apartment. RC decides to go to Wildcat's to warn him of possible danger.
-Wildcat is still living in his houseboat next to H4H. RC and Molly are there when Ignatz arrives and asks where Rebecca Cunningham is. RC introduces herself to Ignatz. Ignatz tells them that Baloo and Kit have been captured by Griffith. They all get into Wildcat's plane (the rented one) and fly to Raceville to rescue Baloo and Kit. (They bring Molly because it's not safe for her to stay in CS)

Raceville
-In his hideout, Griffith has Baloo and Kit locked up in chains. He says he plans to kill them and informs them that Miniversal hired him. Baloo and Kit don't believe him, and Griffith shows them a copy of the agreement between him and Miniversal (RC looked at Miniversal's copy of this document in the file room in Episode 2).
-RC shows up at the hideout in disguise, pretending she has been sent from Miniversal to deal with the intruders. She shows Griffith her Miniversal ID as proof. She manages to fool Griffith into releasing Baloo and Kit into her custody. She also takes the Miniversal agreement, claiming Miniversal wants to safely destroy the document.
-The H4H gang is reunited. RC uses a pay phone in Raceville to make a quick call (for reasons explained in Episode 4). They all go back into the desert to retrieve the Sea Duck. They plan to fly back to CS and give the Miniversal agreement to the police so they can expose Miniversal's role in the plot and stop the demolition of Cape Suzette Harbor. Baloo is really impressed that RC risked her own life to save him and Kit. (This is the start of him realizing he wants to go back)

Raceville
-Griffith calls Perry and mentions the Miniversal representative he sent just left. Perry realizes what happened and tells Griffith that he has been duped.
-Griffith orders Jarrett to shoot down the Sea Duck before they can reach Cape Suzette to deliver the evidence. Jarrett takes off in his plane and goes after the Sea Duck.

Episode 4
CS:
-Miniversal workers start to ready the harbor for demolition. They rig Higher for Hire and the other businesses with explosives. They wait for the sun to rise, as the demolition is scheduled to begin at 8 AM...only a few hours away.


Between Raceville and CS:
-Jarrett catches up to the Sea Duck and attacks them with machine guns. Baloo engages Jarrett in an air brawl that ends with Jarrett crashing into the side of a mountain and his plane exploding. (He is assumed dead, but it is unclear if he bailed out or not).

CS:
-Griffith calls Perry and says Jarrett failed to take down the Sea Duck and they are still on their way to the deliver the evidence. Perry sends out Miniversal's air force (similar to Shere Kahn's air force) to shoot them down.
-Baloo reaches Cape Suzette and the Miniversal pilots attack him. Baloo is able to hold his own for awhile, but the Miniversal pilots are too good and the Sea Duck takes heavy damage. Baloo says it is hopeless. The Miniversal pilots swoop in for the kill.
-Just as the Miniversal pilots are about to finish off the Sea Duck, Shere Khan's planes swoop in and engage the Miniversal planes. An epic dogfight ensues, with the Sea Duck assisting Shere Khan's planes. The Miniversal planes all get shot down or retreat.
-With the dogfight over, Baloo wonders why Shere Khan got involved. RC explains that she called Khan Enterprises before they left Raceville to let them know of Miniversal's plot and the document they were going to deliver...she knew Khan would be able to protect them from Miniversal much better than the police ever could.
-Shere Kahn's private jet arrives on the scene. Shere Kahn meets with Baloo and asks him for the document. Baloo gives it to him. Kahn thanks him for it and says he himself will ensure that the harbor is saved and that Miniversal's role in the plot is exposed. Baloo asks Kahn why is he is willing to help a bunch of small businesses, Kahn responds that he is just protecting his business interests by not allowing the Miniversal shipyard to be built.

CS:
-The next morning, back at RC's apartment, the gang receives word that Griffith has been arrested in Raceville. His fund has been exposed and the police have begun to return money to all the investors he stole money from over the years. Unfortunately, because Griffith had so many defrauded investors, RC will not be able to recover enough money to buy back Higher for Hire. The demolition has been stopped and ownership of H4H has reverted back to the bank, but RC still does not have enough money to buy it back.
-Baloo decides to quit racing and help her buy H4H back, therefore giving himself part ownership of the business and bringing H4H back as a family again.
-RC visits Miniversal one last time to say goodbye to her assistant and the other people she worked with. While there she happens to walk by Perry's office, but his office has been cleaned out and he no longer works there. RC wonders where he is.
-Cut to Thembria, where Perry is freezing in a tiny shack of an office with no heat or windows – Sultan has reassigned him to Miniversal's Thembrian office.

The End

About the episode 2 draft, Wow! Very nice! I must say, you do very good work! The pacing is good and the character dynamics are pretty much dead-on. The dialogue could use some minor tweaking in certain scenes, but only slightly. We can worry about those details later.

Can you send me the .celtx project sometime so I can add notes and suggest a few changes? You can email it to me whenever you have a chance. [email protected] (No hurry, I might not be able to get to it until Wednesday anyway.)

Once we get the scenes finalized (not necessarily the dialogue) we can forward the .celtx project on to Opus and the other artists so they can sketch some pictures for the various pivotal scenes. ( )

About the outline, good job there as well! Good idea giving Jarrett a remote control device for the Sea Duck, it's a nice touch. I also really like the way you have RC and 'Danger Woman' holding their own against Minversal's goons! I'm a guy, but I personally hate it when women are portrayed as weak or submissive in stories, always needing to be saved. The part where you have Jarrett crash, did you want to make his fate uncertain so he might come back later in the 2nd pilot or in another episode in the VS? (just curious) I agree that about the only way the H4H gang can succeed against Miniversal and still manage to have an epic climax to the story is to have Khan help them. It wraps everything up nicely and fits with Khan's personality/motivations.

So yeah... I think we're on the same page completely. I even had a few suggestions I was going to make a few days ago but before I could, you beat me to it. It's like you're reading my mind, lol!

About the scene where RC goes to rescue Kit and Baloo, I may have already asked this, (I have trouble keeping track sometimes :p) but how do you think that scene should play out? I've heard several people say that they think RC is 'mean' or a 'b!tch', and honestly she wasn't my favorite character growing up, though I like her much more now. With that in mind, I was thinking it might be entertaining to see RC turn her b!tchy fury on someone other than Baloo for once. She could play the part of the no-nonsense, "don't *%@#! with me or me or I'll rip your head off" corporate executive. This would also be funny because Baloo and Kit could witness the performance with gaping jaws and think "OMG! is that really *our* Becky?!"

Anyway, again, great job on eps one and two, I really enjoyed reading them! I'll work on eps three and four during some of my free time but don't let that stop you from doing drafts if you'd like to and have the time. We can always compare work and merge certain portions as we see fit.

Until next post!

PRetty good looking outline. I had an idea reading it that may make the suggestion I made work. What if when Perry tells Griffith to take care of the H4H, Griffith could demand more payment to do so, saying something like 'I can just cut town and get out, you're the one in trouble here, so what's in it for me to stick around and make sure they don't spoil things for you?' MAybe like demand a share of the profits in the new dock. It make him more crooked seeming while also giving him a probably reason to remain in Raceville to be arrested.

Also, how about Jarret's defeat is the result of Baloo turning one of his own tricks against him, like somehow attaching the control device to Jarret's plane and using that or using those saw blades on his plane to cut his own wing off? More intresting in my mind.

Anyway, looks good!

@0x7B: Sent you the Celtx files. We can use the "revision" tool for our edits (just found out about that feature today).
Are there any scenes in Episode 3 or 4 that you particularly want to write? I think we could split up the rest of the scenes between us if you are OK with the outline.

BTW, I had a crazy idea today. I've seen Jymn Magon (the original creator of TS) post somewhere on these boards. I was thinking how cool it would be if he could look at our script (once it is done) and give his opinion on the story, or even just general suggestions on how to make this project succeed. I know he is busy and it's 20 yrs since he's been involved with TS, but if he is posting on a forum like this, I think there is a chance he might respond. Does anyone know how to get in touch with him thru e-mail? Would you guys be interested in getting his input?

Hey dude, I read the second episode, good job but a couple of suggestions.

When Griffith's character was composed, one thing we had (which is kinda visable in the drawings Eclipse did for him) was that his 'real' self and the character he portrays himself as are not only mentlelly and personality wise diffrent, but have a visable diffrence in appearence. Not like fur color change, but how he keeps himself, like he appears more aggressive and intimadating in his 'true self' so perhaps on the wanted poster (or when the characters encounter the 'real' Griffith in episode 3) it could be discribed as such, maybe even a character bringing attention to the fact (like Molly maybe, since she's more outspoken than many characters due to her age).

Another idea, is perhaps have Griffith, being he did see some of H4H's records still in this one, he could, as he leaves his 'meeting' with Ignatz, he could vaguely reconize Baloo and Kit from the records, maybe have a camera pan in on him as he leaves and say something implying such under his breath. Kinda give him more of a reason to be suspencious of them as they poke around his HQ.

Also, just a line I thought of when reading this, maybe when they find out Griffith and Jarret are teamed up, Baloo or Kit could make a remark like 'they make a wonderful evil couple, don't they?', something like that, just a random thought that came to mind. Great work though!

@phylogeny:

Thanks for the celtx files! About what scenes I'd like to write, I'm not exactly sure yet... I'll sleep on it and let you know something by tomorrow night. About sharing the scripts with Jymn, sure we can do that, but I'm not sure if he'd be terribly interested in reading them because of a comment he made earlier in the main TS site. Who knows though, he may be interested in reading the scripts or giving advise.


Don't worry, later in the story, around the end of ep 3, Griffith's true self will become quite apparent.


I don't think that will be necessary. We may add something like that if it becomes necessary, but I think we can make the scene work without Griffith recognizing Baloo.

I just don't want to complicate things anymore than we need to, but thanks for the input!

I actually found Jymn's e-mail online (he has a website). Once we get the pilot script finished I think it's worth a shot just to send it to him. It would just be so cool to get input on our VS from the original creator of the series!! Maybe he won't respond but it can't hurt to try, right! Of course, I'm biased b/c I think we have a pretty good story here!




Agreed.

Hello guys. I just want to comment a little about what has been written. Please do not think that because I dont post I dont care about this project a t all. The thing is that I have no internet at home at the moment since there is a big network problem in the company giving me the service. I have another one now, but because they are new it will take like 2 weeks before I get a service. Go figure, Mexico is a piece of ***.

I've been going to ciber cafes and have all of the story so far. I for one love how this is going. I re-read the whole story since the beginning and I back up on saying the race went to fast. it is great and has good pace. I'm truly wating for it to be polished and start to draw . I'm currently working on commissions to make a living and one pro for kits flight. hope to see you guys later. keep up the marvelous work guys. If I was enthused to do this before , now I'm dying to start for real

@Phylogeny:

Sorry for not responding sooner, I've been busy with classes and other RL crap. I'd like to write both the 3rd and 4th episodes, but I just don't know how long that might take. I hope I can have a draft done by next week, but I'm not sure. If you want to write the last two eps you can, but only if you have time and really want to. (I'm not trying to shove more work on you, after all you've contributed so much to this project and I'm really glad to have you!) I want to write the last two eps, but I just don't want to delay the whole thing because I may take a week or two on the drafts. So like I said, writing the 3rd and 4th eps is totally up to you.

Recently I was wondering what happened to Straycloud, when I realized it had been a week or more since my last post. I thought that maybe he could be caught up in RL stuff and has been unable to post, like what sometimes happens to me and probably most people. I hope he reappears soon; I thought we all worked well together so I'd hate to lose him.

Anyway, I think things should slack off for me this week after the couple of tests in my classes are done and the assignments are turned in. (crosses fingers)

@Opus:

Thanks for the compliments! Phylogeny does nice work doesn't he! Don't sweat the post frequency, and I know you're still very much on board with the VS. I haven't been posting as much I'd like to either, but we'll finish this thing even if we have to do it in fits and starts!

@everyone:

Thanks for your support, and as always, comments/feedback greatly are appreciated!

Same for me, I was on vacation recently and I have to keep up with many things, but I'm still there. As soon as I have the time, I'll read the draft for the second episode (as soon as possible!)

Hello everyone!

I've been reading your scripts with interest and I have to say that they're pretty good. They have a good pace and the dialogue is believable. I even got a few chuckles out of Wildcat's lines.

Makes sense that Miniversal would blow up the harbor and would take out the competition in an underhanded manner. Miniversal seems to have that reputation. However, I was a little surprised that Baloo would actually work for Ignatz, considering that they clashed so much in "Polly Wants a Treasure". I guess if he wanted to race that much, he would even work for a bird-brained parrot.

Also, I was pleasantly surprised to see one of my lines used: Cross my heart and hope to fly. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and I thank you for it.

Keep up the good work!

Ann

Hi Ann!

I'm glad to see you here and I'm happy that you like the scripts! Yeah, I'm pretty sure Ignatz wouldn't be Baloo's first choice for a boss, but that's one of the reasons they were paired together. I thought some Baloo - Ignatz banter might lighten/liven things up a bit. Baloo wanting to race is one thing encouraging him to tolerate Ignatz, but I think that the fact that they both have a friendship with Kit is the main thing. At least at the end of "Polly Wants A Treasure" Baloo seemed to accept Ignatz, or at least tolerate him a little more, IMO.

Sorry it took me almost a week to respond, I've been kinda busy lately...

Anyway, thanks so much for the feedback! I always love to get feedback especially from an accomplished TS fic writer such as yourself. You're always welcome here, drop by anytime!

I agree with the idea of Baloo working for Ignatz. They did have hard times in the past, but Baloo is after his dream and he will do anything for his dream specially when Kit has a very goos relationship with that Bird. And if I recall correctly at the end of Polly wants a treasure Baloo had a better than none relathionship with Ignatz, not as a friend, but like a guy who can be trusted. Relating this to the races , well, Baloo knows he can trust the Bird even if he is a pain at times. He manage Rebecca and she is a pain sometimes. to him she is......



I have the first two episodes printed out. How are this going to differ from the final draft and who is going to be working on it? After reading what the last two episodes are going to be I can not wait for them to be released. is there a possibility for a fifth episode just not to make the end so rushed?

I have written a draft of the 3rd episode but I have not posted it yet. I am also doing a draft of the 4th and final episode and was hoping to post episodes 3 + 4 together.

I did make a few edits to episodes 1 + 2, mostly small details to set up eps 3 + 4 better. Now there is an internal Miniversal memo detailing the whole plot (I used the movie "Michael Clayton" as the inspiration here) that becomes the key piece of evidence. I edited it so the memo makes an appearance in all 4 episodes. Also, I changed the part where Baloo and Kit break into Griffith's business (in Ep 3). I tried to write a scene where they broke in but it just seemed like too underhanded a tactic for them to use. So instead, at the start of Ep 3 they report Griffith to the Raceville sheriff, who promptly rats Baloo out to Griffith in exchange for cash.

I am pretty happy with the plot, but I would really like someone to look over the dialogue and suggest changes, as I think it can definitely be improved in some places.