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More Wacky Headlines:
Include your children when baking cookies
Something went wrong in jet crash
Experts says police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
Safety experts say that school bus passengers should be belted
Drunk gets nine months in violin case
Survivor of Siamese twins joins parents
Miners refuse to work after death
Juvenile Court to try shooting defendant
Two Soviet ships collide, one dies
Red tape holds up new bridge
Astronaut takes blame for gas in spacecraft
Kids make nutritious snacks
Man minus ear waives hearing

Actual Roadsigns
A roadsign instructed drivers to keep right. What was odd about this was that the arrow was pointing left.
“Boring Oregon City” (Maybe the tourist dept is using reverse psych)
“No Sledding or Snow Tubing on Freeway.” DUH!
Sign at the Alexandria Aquarium: “Some kind of fish from the Red Sea.”

A scientist was doing an experiment on human honesty. For his experiment, he put two of his assistants in two separate rooms, each with a computer. He instructed them to work on some programming. Prior to putting them in the rooms, he had left a 20 dollar bill on the floor in each room to see if his assistants would take the bills or return them.
After an hour, he decided to check on his test subjects and determined that humans are bad at heart. The reason for his conclusion: The twenties were gone. So were the assistants. And the computers.

You got that from Adventure In Odyssey didn't you DT?

the worst kind of agrument is when two scientests bring up the most popular questions: What came first? The Chicken or the egg? and: Is the Tomato a fruit or a vegatable? if your exspected at home, call and say you'll be late. if they ask how late, say a few centuries.
My little brother found it.


this happened in my dance class: Our teacher was flipping through her songs trying to find the one we were supposed to dance to. she thought she found it and played it, but our song is supposed to start like this: Lets Make Peace With Our New Friends! then indain music plays. the song she played started like this: Do you hear that? It's Tiger Lilly! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!. we all burst out laughing, and it didn't help when the girl dancing the part of peter pan said, "Okay, I think thats the wrong song. Do you hear that? it's Tiger Lilly! GAHHHH!! with a comical look on her face. it took our teacher 10 minutes to settle us down.
Exsplanation: We'er suppose to dance to a peace song, instead she played a fighting song!
If you still don't find it funny, you would have to have been there.

Ha ha. Guilty. Nice to meet a fellow listener.

I knew it!

hope you don't mind DT, but I used Toby in this(pannels 3-5 you have to read what Toby says first):

Based on a True story, it was funnier in real life

XD No problem.

This one's from my all-time favorite comedian, Ken Davis.
I was scheduled to speak at a buisiness meeting in a hotel. I was about to go into the conference room when I remembered I forgot my notes. So I ran to the elevator and pushed the button. I pushed it like ten times before it opened, I jumped in and hit the button for my floor. I had about five minutes. It went up to my floor, the eighth floor, and stopped. But the doors didn't open. It made that convulsive movement like it was opening, it made the sound like it wanted to open, but it did not open. I pressed the "Open door" button. Same motion, same sound, no response. I pressed it real hard till my finger hurt. I had three minutes before I would be humiliated. I kicked the door. Now I didn't want to hurt the door, just wanted it to open. As I kicked the door, my thumb came off the button and the elevator went all the way up to the 14th floor where it stopped and went through the same routine. I kicked the door, beat on it, and yelled at the top of my lungs, "SOMEBODY! CALL THE FRONT DESK!" I kicked some more and shouted, "SOMEBODY CALL... THE STUPID ELEVATOR'S STUCK!"
A timid voice behind me said, "No it ain't."
Now I got on the elevator alone. Let me tell ya, when you get on an elevator alone, and you hear a voice, every hair on your body will stand up. I spun around to defend myself from some elevator phantom and found out, true story, that this was an elevator with doors on both sides. A whole crowd of people was standing there. They did not want to share a confined space with me.

And one from our guest speaker. Not as funny, but pretty good. Not word-for-word, I'll try to fix that later.
I wanted to get a German Shepherd dog and name it Killer or Brusier or something like that. Instead I ended up getting a female and my wife named her Princess, which totally destroys the point of having a German Shepherd.
Then one day someone knocked at our door and Princess ran to it cause she didn't know who it was. I had to take her by the collar and hold her back until she was up on her back legs, jaws snapping and everything. I held her back with one hand and opened the door. Our visitor was greeted with the sight of one angry dog.
After a moment he said, "I came to talk to you about home security. I think you have it covered."

Oh God, thats too funny! *falls off chair laughing*

Thanks, but careful how you use that name

World's Dumbest Labels and signs:
On a bag of Doritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." (Um, hello? Aren't they trying to discourage shoplifters?)
On packaging for a Rowenta Iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
On a Korean kitchen knife: "Warning: Keep out of children." (I hope that's a case of lost in translation)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Not only that, they give instructions with the barf bags. Who can't figure out how to do that?)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with hands."
On a scooter: "Warning: Product moves while in use."
Toilet brush: "Do not use for personal hygene."
Government-mandated (I think) label on capes of Superman costumes: "Warning: Use of this product does not enable the wearer to fly." (the sad truth is, sometimes that one is actually needed)
Briefing card on an airliner: "If you are siting in an exit row and cannot read this card or cannot see well enough to follow these instructions, please tell a crew member." (how will you know to do that if you can't read the stupid card?)
Sign on a highway overpass: Ignore this sign.
Advertisement in window: "Tattoos while you wait." (have you ever heard of tattoos on the go? I don't want to even think about tattoos while you jog)

Do those people even read what they put on that stuff?


(True Story)
I rest my case

On the subject of dummies...

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

A police officer was called in to investigate a break-in at an elementary school (why anyone would want to break into a school is beyond me). As he was writing his report, he felt a tug on his pant leg and looked down to see a little girl staring up at him.
"Are you a cop?" she asked.
"Yes I am," he replied, and went back to his report.
She tugged again. "My Mommy said if I needed help I should ask a cop. Is that true?"
"Yes," answered the officer, and went back to writing.
She tugged a third time and said, "Then I'm glad I found you." She stuck out her foot. "Will you tie my shoe?"

Later that same day, the cop returned to headquarters and was getting his equipment out of the car when his dog started barking. Looking, he saw that a young boy was staring in the window of the police car.
"Is that a dog?" asked the boy.
"Sure is," the cop replied.
The boy looked puzzled. "What'd he do?"

ahh, little kids. life is never boring with them around