Animation Source Forums

xXFamous Last WordsXx · **Posted:** Tue Nov 20, 2007 6:29 pm

Balto_freak wrote:

Boris (flying, apparently unable to stop): Balto!!!!!!!!!!

(Boris, because he is unable to slow down, slams into the window of the building that Balto and Jenna are in front of.)

Balto: Boris, you all right?!

(Boris appears at the window, but appears to be dizzy.)

Boris (slurred): No, mother! The bagel shop isn’t closed. Yeah, you can get some at this hour, I’m sure.

Ok, this part was so funny! As soon I readthe thing with Boris and the Bagel shop I burst out laughing, good writing! This is turning out very good and its good that you also added some things to the script to get a better ideas of a character's tone or expression. Good luck with the writing!

Balto_freak · **Joined:** Tue Oct 23, 2007 5:11 pm **Posts:** 369

Cobaltié · **Posted:** Tue Nov 20, 2007 6:56 pm

I found a few things that could be improved on in your story. Constructive criticism time!

Everyone's still acting incredibly predictable in my opinion. Everyone's doing things you'd predict them to do. I wasn't surprised when Steele joined Valo to make fun of Balto and company at all. Some of the characters (mainly Balto, Jenna and Boris) are acting a tad out-of-character however odd that seems. You need to keep Balto, Jenna, Steele and Boris close to their original personalities but also slightly different. Same thing with Kodi, but he can show more change due to maturing. Also, on the issue of Kayla and Leta, you haven't really described much about them. We know one is obviously either 'Saba', the red Aleu twin or the red faced pup, but we don't know which. Also on the point of Juno, you haven't really described him or Valo for that matter either. We don't know how they're supposed to act, well, actually, we don't know who they are, especially Juno. Is he 'Dingo'? The red Aleu twin? The red faced pup? Overall it needs to really show the characters' personalities, more description and more links to this upcoming plotline.

Balto_freak · **Joined:** Tue Oct 23, 2007 5:11 pm **Posts:** 369

Cobaltié · **Posted:** Tue Nov 20, 2007 7:12 pm

After reading through again I realised that |D, but we still don't know which pup was Juno, which was Leta, Kayla etc. etc.

Balto_freak · **Joined:** Tue Oct 23, 2007 5:11 pm **Posts:** 369

slayguy86 · **Posted:** Wed Nov 21, 2007 9:17 pm

I liking this alot

Balto_freak · **Joined:** Tue Oct 23, 2007 5:11 pm **Posts:** 369

slayguy86 · **Posted:** Wed Nov 21, 2007 9:34 pm

Balto_freak wrote:

Really? Wow, so what parts did you like the best?

Quote:

Jenna (slyly): Well, let’s just say he’s not as big as he likes to think he is.

That for one :lol:

Totally unexpected for a balto fan fic, but brilliant

.

Quote:

Dingo: Hey, Kodi!

Kodi: Bro, what’s up?

(The enter into an indecipherable handshake with their right paws)

Dingo: I think Valo’s gonna get into a fight with Juno.

Kodi (urgently): Well, why didn’t you tell me before we did that stupid handshake? (He runs off, leaving Dingo behind.)

Dingo (yelling after Kodi) Hey, it’s not stupid!!!! (He runs off after Kodi.)

I like this part too, I dunno why but it really cracks me up for some reason (in a good way

)

Balto_freak · **Joined:** Tue Oct 23, 2007 5:11 pm **Posts:** 369

slayguy86 · **Posted:** Wed Nov 21, 2007 9:52 pm

Balto_freak wrote:

In regard to that last part you mentioned: That is how I characterize Dingo in my story. If you've ever seen The Godfather Part 1, Freddo, one of the brothers, is kind of stupid, but he turns out to have a major role later in the film. That's partially what I have in mind for Dingo, in a sense.

That sounds pretty cool

In the fics I've written Dingo can be as herioc, dashing and all round brilliant as his father... but he has moments where he's completely bonkers in terms of his thinking. In SPLIT for example he gives his father some really sound advice on the problem at hand, then moments later when he's alone he ends up pulling his back by trying to chase his own tail after remembering as a puppy he nearly caught it once and was hoping to succeed this time.

Heroic... but daft put in simple terms.

Balto_freak · **Joined:** Tue Oct 23, 2007 5:11 pm **Posts:** 369

slayguy86 · **Posted:** Wed Nov 21, 2007 10:06 pm

Quote:

trying to pry the answer outta me aren't you?

Oh no! My cunning plan ruined! :lol: