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English.

Is standards declining?

A few News of the World jokes here... Unless you live in the UK and have been following the hacking scandal, you won't know what I'm on about, lol.


I've seen a lot of journalists moping around Fleet Street looking miserable today.

Cheer up lads, it's not the end of the World... oh, wait.



I'm going to buy a copy of the News of the World this Sunday.

I've lost my phone and need to pick up my voicemails.


Wow, who saw that coming? Harry Potter and the News of the World. Two of the biggest selling copies of modern fiction ending in the same week.

A doctor had just given a young boy his booster shot and was putting a band-aid on when the boy protested, "Put it on the other arm!"
The doctor shook his head. "No," he said. Reasoning that the boy might not understand about germs, he explained, "I'm putting the band-aid here so kids at school will know not to hit you on this arm."
"Put it on the other arm, doc," the boy insisted. "You don't know the kids at my school."

My mate is saying he's gonna stop talking to me because I keep talking about Apple Products.

Well that's the last time iPhone him!

I went to get a taco, but I saw somebody stealing my cheese. I snapped, "Hey, that's nacho cheese!"

[teasing] That joke was just plain cheesy and bone-headed.

HEART is an anagram of HATER

The Amish joke was great.

As for the anagram, that's kinda scary.

When Bill Engvall goes to pick up a banner, does the clerk tell him, "Here's your sign?"

That's a good one. It reminds me of one I found on a site called "IMMD" (short for "It Made MY Day").

In the drive-thru at McDonalds, I asked, "I can has cheeseburger?" There was a pause before the voice on the other end replied, "Nom nom nom."

Those who don't know the site are confused, but those who do know it are probably on the floor laughing.

So a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are fed up with their lives and decide to hang themselves. They grab some rope, find a tree, and jump off one of the branches.
The next day, a guy is walking by and finds the blonde hanging by her ankles. "What are you doing?" he asks her.
"We hung ourselves," the blonde replies.
"You know you're doing it wrong," the guy points out, motioning to the bodies of the brunette and redhead.
"I tried doing that," the blonde says. "But I couldn't breathe."

Morbid, but funny, in this case I think the blonde was the smartest out of them all.

I have one.

After thousands and thousands of years, the human race decided they didn't need God. So they chose their brightest scientist to tell Him they weren't going to listen to Him anymore.
"It's nothing personal," the man said. "It's just that we've cured diseases, solved the mysteries of the universe, we can clone people... basically, we don't need you for anything now."
God nodded at this and said, "Well, I'll tell you what. Let's each make a man from dirt. Whoever does the best job wins."
"Okay." The scientist scooped up some dirt.
"No no," God told him, "Get your own dirt."

Umm...

Yeah...