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Sorry I'm just now posting about the 4th draft, I've been pretty busy lately...

Anyway, the 4th draft looks good except for a few things. For starters, I wouldn't expose Griffin as a villain until the second episode at least like Straycloud suggested. For instance, I'd reverse the scene where Griffin calls Perry and instead show Perry calling Griffin. That way the audience doesn't know about their association just yet. Also I'd like to keep Sultan as clean as possible, meaning that Perry tells his that he has a plan but doesn't really tell him any of the details. (Details are boring and Sultan is a busy man ) I'm not sure why I'd like to keep Sultan's hands clean... It just seems right.

I had few more random ideas too, like maybe Perry could use Miniversal's resources to set Griffin up with a legitimate business with the proper paperwork and all... just a wild thought. Griffin could be an ex-banker from Race-ville and use his expertise to convince RC to refinance H4H's mortgage. Of course when she does, the rates go through the roof... kinda like what's happened in the US with sub-primes over the past couple of years. Since Griffin's new bank is legit, she'd have to pay. (Feel free to blow holes in this idea... I'm just brainstorming here.)

After she realizes what she's gotten into, she can start to doubt her business smarts and decide that she's better off working for someone else, at which point she goes to work for Miniversal.

This wouldn't necessarily be character development for RC, but at least it would keep her dramatically involved with the plot. Also Baloo could come to her aid with his race money toward the end of the story and build up her confidence in herself by telling her that she's great with business, etc.

I realize making Griffin's bank legit would change some aspects of the story... What exactly I'm not sure... I just had that idea last night.

I have more ideas but I'll have to post them later... I can't think straight right now.

*Disclaimer: If my ideas seem incoherent or disjointed it's because I've been cramming for my Network+ exam and by brain feels like mush. If I see one more acronym I think my head will explode.

I liked the script you posted, great cliff hanger as well. Suggestion what if you have Griffin decide in the end, to scam Perry as well, blackmailing him into paying him or having Perry's role in the scam revealed. Griffin just seems like he would be one who would con his friends as fast as his enemies.

Something else I'm thinking is that Griffin could, after he cuts town, could 'sponser' Jarret in exchange for him agreeing to 'take care of' Kit and Baloo, knowing they could be a major threat to him (afterall, since he's seen H4H's records, he'd likely have knowledge of what they could do). Just a suggestion, a good way to unite the subplots. All these are suggestions, hope they help!

I havent read tha last Draft, but I can say that it is going the right way. I like how Mr Sultan is the head of the whole operation without knowing what Perry is really doing. I think thats a nice touch.

The parts where Wildcat is just doing his best while delivering and at the same time breaking everything and well just being him. lol. hilarious. I love a little comedy in the plot.

I think the race just happen way too fast. I would give it a day at least to create some tension, but thats just me. it well written and thats what matters.


*important* I need some description of this villian of the race . I want to see what I can come up with as a design for the character. can some one please explain his character?

Jarret has a profile in the 'OC Bio' thread, Eclipse also made a picture of him there.

My thoughts about the 4th draft :

- Very good overall. Keep up the great work (NB : Personally, I'd be more than happy if you were to write more for the pilot)

- The scene with Baloo buying back the sea duck looks...too much like "Save the tiger". I know it was intended, but if the characters remember what happened in the episodes, then they should probably react a little differently. I don't know...maybe Baloo showing a little concern "Are you really sure you don't mind us leaving right now?" Or maybe Molly interfering?

- The race was good, it reminds me a lot of that race in Star wars episode I (NB: I'm NOT a Star Wars fan, but that's the only film I remember seeing a race like that, so excuse me for the comparison ) Though I felt (unlike OPUS) that it was a little long, maybe cutting halfway to show what happens outside with the other characters could be a good idea? (Becky, Wildcat, Perry & Sultan)

- No one says "Sacre Bleu" in France, that's a very old expression that americans/english people always tend to use though Nowadays we would say "C'est pas vrai!", "Oh non!"...
Oh well, don't change it, it's funny

I think the mortgage thing is overly complicated. I'm not a homeowner so the whole refinancing thing confuses me.

I had another idea today. How about we make Griffith like a Bernie Madoff type con man? He runs a fradulent investment fund and Miniversal hires him to swindle the harbor businesses out of their cash. Griffith gets the harbor businesses to invest with him then disappears with the cash. The bankrupt businesses either close down or get foreclosed so Miniversal can buy them up.

Later (due to coincidence) Griffith turns up in Raceville trying to work his con there (con men do travel a lot, after all). Baloo and Kit figure out who he is and try to investigate him, but they get captured and RC/Wildcat need to fly to Raceville to rescue them.

@straycloud: Any progress on ep 2?

I don't think it would be too complicated... anyway, it was just a thought.


Yeah, that could work... Sounds good to me. In another week or so I'm going to try to post an updated outline for all eps of the 2nd pilot. I've had a few more ideas that I think will work out well, I just have to put them in writing.

Sorry I can't post more right now, I enrolled in three classes almost a month into the term so I have a lot of catching up to do. Once I get all caught up in my classes and after I get my Net+ certification I should have a lot more time to dedicate to the VS project.

PS: I want to reiterate how much I appreciate everyone's help and dedication. Thank You!

Good 4th Draft. Not much more to say that has been mentioned already. XD

About the Bernard Madoff look for Griffith, sounds like a nice idea.

I'm updating the 1st episode draft yet again...very few changes, just changing the con into a Madoff-type scheme, and also the changes 0x7B suggested about the end scene. I do think the Madoff-type scheme works better than what is currently written. The story seems easier to write and a lot of it seems to write itself, which is a good sign that it makes sense. To prevent the buyback scene from being too much like "Save The Tiger," I'm also making it so that Ignatz offers Baloo the job of being his racing pilot, so Baloo's primary reason for quitting is to take that job (which pays a lot more than his H4H gig). I think that change is subtle but it will make the scene substantially different from any previous episodes, as I don't think Baloo ever quit H4H to take his "dream job" in the actual series (unless you count being a Baron as a "job").

Yes, great idea It makes more sense this way.

Draft 5 of Episode 1.

Most of it is unchanged from Draft 4. For quick reference (so you don't have to read through the whole thing again), the scenes that changed the most are:

-Initial H4H scene with RC, Molly, and Wildcat
-Second H4H scene where RC meets with Griffith.
-Winner's circle scene with Ignatz, Baloo, and Kit
-Goodbye scene at H4H
-End cliffhanger scene with Perry

The parts that changed are:

-Khan's shipyard is now just beginning to be built instead of already constructed. (This is how it was in the original plot and the first few drafts).
-H4H is now doing really well financially (in Draft 4 they were struggling), so they actually have some money to invest. I think it will also provide a good contrast for RC's character from Episode 1 where she is on top of the world, to Episode 2 where she loses everything.
-Griffith is now a Madoff-type swindler. He runs an investment fund called "Griffith Investment Securities." (taken from the real-life name "Madoff Investment Securities"). The focus of his meeting with RC is convincing her to invest in his fund.
-RC meets with another money manager before she meets with Griffith.
-Moved the timing of the race so it does not happen too early in the episode. Becky's meeting with Griffith now takes place before the race which has been moved to almost the end of the episode.
-After Baloo wins the race, Ignatz offers Baloo the actual job of being his pilot.
-The goodbye scene has been significantly fleshed out, with the focus on Baloo taking a new job.
-Changed the end scene so Perry is calling a mystery accomplice. Also, during the board meeting Perry does not go into detail about his plot. This keeps Sultan's hands clean.

Let me know what you think of this draft. I'm sure there's improvements that can be made, but I already feel a lot of the scenes that changed are improved from Draft 4.

I was thinking about Episode 2 and wanted to post a tentative outline. 0x7B, I know you were also going to post one, so we can share our ideas.

Also, I have some time on my hands so if it's okay I'd like to maybe start writing the script for Episode 2. I know we had talked about straycloud doing this, but we haven't heard from him in this thread for awhile. We can at least start it so if he turns up later, he can of course take over the duties. I just feel like Episode 1 is close to being done from a writing standpoint, so we might as well start the next chapter.

Comments/suggestions on the outline?

---
Ep 2

Cape Suzette:
It's a couple of weeks after Baloo and Kit have moved to Raceville. H4H is beginning to get used to life without Baloo. Wildcat is making the cargo runs temporarily and RC has begun interviewing pilots for the permanent job.

The current month's mortgage payment comes due. RC realizes she needs to make a withdrawal from her Griffith account to be able to pay. She calls the number on Griffith's business card, but the number has been disconnected. RC begins to get suspicious and worried. She decides to go to the police station to report the matter..

RC visits the police station. There are several other business owners there who are also looking for Griffith. The police tell them the truth: Griffith is actually a professional con artist who is wanted in several other cities for pulling his scam. He travels from city to city, getting people to invest in his fund, then leaves town with the money. The police have found that Griffith has swindled almost all the businesses around Cape Suzette Harbor. The address on his business card has been abandoned and no one knows where he is. The police tell the business owners that since they cannot find Griffith, they will not be able to recover their money.

In the back of her mind, RC wonders why Griffith only swindled the businesses around Cape Suzette Harbor and none of the other more profitable companies downtown..

The harbor business owners go bankrupt and are forced to close their doors. Because RC invested H4H's operating funds, she is left with nothing to pay the mortgage on H4H. The bank forecloses on the property and RC is forced out of her job.

Raceville:
-In the couple of weeks since they moved, Kit and Baloo have already entered several races and have won lots of money.
-They beat Jarrett in another race, using the Sea Duck. Jarrett tries to cheat but Baloo and Kit spoil his plans (possibly using cloud surfing). (Need some way to make this scene substantially different from the first race...too repetitive otherwise. Maybe having this scene begin in the middle of the race so don't have to show the whole thing?)
-Kit (and to a lesser extent Baloo) is beginning to miss Higher for Hire. They decide to visit since it's been a couple of weeks.

CS:
Kit and Baloo arrive at H4H and are shocked to see everything packed up in boxes. They talk to RC who explains what happened, specifically naming Griffith Investment Advisors as the culprit.

RC is down in the dumps. She has lost her confidence as a businesswoman because she was swindled so easily. Baloo and Kit try to cheer her up, but it's no use. She says she's decided that she's better off working for someone else, and she's already accepted a job at Miniversal using her business background.

-Kit and Baloo talk. Kit really wants Baloo to help RC financially using his winnings, but Baloo rejects the idea. Kit is unable to convince him. They go back to Raceville.

CS:
-RC starts her job at Miniversal.
-Her first day on the job, she learns some more about what her job duties are. She gets a nice office to sit in and a secretary as well. RC begins to think that maybe her new job won't be so bad.

Raceville:
-Kit is still in disagreement with Baloo about not helping RC.
-They are in the lobby of Ignatz's hotel when they see a businessman trying to talk Ignatz into investing in a fund. They hear the businessman mention Griffith Investment Advisors, and realize it's the same guy who swindled H4H. Griffith has come to Raceville to work his scheme.
-Baloo and Kit want to notify the Raceville authorities, but Ignatz says the Raceville police are corrupt so it's better that they don't, in case someone tips off Griffith.
-Baloo and Kit decide to play detective and snoop around Griffith in hopes of coming up with some evidence against him.

CS:
While working late one night at Miniversal, RC finds a document showing that Miniversal hired Griffith to pull his scam on the harbor businesses. She is enraged and tries to find out why Miniversal would do such a thing. She finds another document shows that Miniversal has purchased all the bankrupt and foreclosed businesses around the harbor, and intends to demolish them to build a shipyard. RC is shocked to see that the planned date of the demolition is less than a week away.

Perry unexpectedly surprises RC and she is unable to take the document, but manages to escape the room before Perry realizes what she was looking at. After Perry realizes she has stumbled onto the plan, he destroys the document and decides to “take care” of RC.

To Phylogeny:

The changes to the draft you mentioned in your post look really good, there's just one problem... Your link points to the 4th Draft rather than the 5th, but I posted the correct link, so no worries.

To everyone: Here's the 5th draft.

I also really like the outline for the second episode! Since Straycloud hasn't posted here in awhile, I have no problem with you going ahead and writing the second episode if you have the time. When Straycloud returns he can suggest changes and/or write the 3rd ep if he likes.

I'm about to have to go to class in a few minutes but I'll read the fifth draft and leave feedback either tonight when I get back or tomorrow night. I'm really looking forward to reading it! You do good work!

Thanks for catching the link error. I updated the link in my original post as well.

I don't have time to read the 5th draft right now, will get to that tomarrow. But maybe as a suggestion, (possibly for the third episode maybe) Griffith hires Jarret to 'take care of' (kill) Baloo and Kit in the next race (after the second one) when he finds out they're snooping around him, fails obviously but kinda would intergrate our two villains, you know?

Another suggestion, maybe a scene after Griffith flees to Raceville but before RC discovers Miniversal's role in the scam, he forces Parry to pay him a large sum of money to keep him from revealing Parry's role in the scam, kinda show his crooked personality, betraying the very one who hired him in the first place. Since Griffith cut town, and the police know his a bad guy anyway, he could tell them who hired him without turning himself in, so it kinda gives him leverage.