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Made an updated draft, with the changes we talked about.

Episode 1 - Draft 2

In this draft Baloo and Kit run into Ignatz. I tried to get the dynamic between Baloo and Ignatz right...this was hard. Let me know if it doesn't feel right.

Rest of things to accomplish in this episode:

-Rebecca meets with Griffith/Perry (although his true intentions are not revealed until later)
-Baloo interacts with Jarrett for the first time (at the starting line of the race)
-Baloo wins race, beating Jarrett in the process
-Baloo buys the Sea Duck back with race winnings

EDIT: I'm thinking of adding Molly into the initial H4H scene with RC/Wildcat. The main reasons are to get her screen time right off the bat and also I think that scene is a tad too short as it is.

EDIT #2: Ignatz's plane needs a name. Any suggestions?

@0x7B and straycloud: I wanted to discuss how we should divide up the writing of the scripts. I know I have written a lot so far in terms of scripts. I really love doing it and I am happy to write more but I don't want you guys to think I am trying to be a hog....I just really enjoy it and wanted to take the initiative since no one had written these scenes yet. Like I said I am more than happy to keep writing as much as you guys want/need.

Since we decided to take this episode by episode, are there any scenes in Episode 1 you guys particularly felt like writing (straycloud, I know you had mentioned one scene...but I think it's not till Ep 2)? Feel free to mention any scenes I have already written that you feel could be done better.

Again, very nice job with the script! I like the changes; good characterization with Jarrett too. The Baloo/Ignatz interaction needs a bit of tweaking, but it's still pretty close to what I had imagined. We can worry about fine tweaking after all the episodes have been written, so I think we're on track right now.

As for who writes what, I don't really have a preference personally... I guess you can write the first episode since you've started on it already and Straycloud can write the second episode (if he wants to) and I'll write the third episode. I figure we can all work together on the fourth episode since that's the most critical episode. If I think of any specific scenes I'd like to write, I'll let you know.

About adding Molly to the first H4H scene, that sounds good to me... I do want to give her some screen time... I'd like her to play some kind of semi-important role... Just enough so she's not totally in the background.

As for the name of Ignatz's plane, I hadn't thought about that... Names are usually the last thing I worry about. Feel free to make suggestions though.

One question: When it comes time to update the outline, would you guys prefer I add it in addition to the old one so we can track changes, or just not worry about it and only maintain the latest outline?

I may be pretty busy for the next few weeks, but I'll try to post once a week at minimum. If I don't post for more than a week, don't panic, I'll post eventually.

Ignatz plane? How about the Macaw Racer or the Chatterbox? I'm trying to do something that revolves around him being a parrot.

Good suggestions! I took your first idea and modified it a little...went with the name Scarlet Macaw cause the plane is red. If other ppl don't like it, we can always change later. Writing the racing scene right now...it's a lot of fun.

Scarlet Macaw is good, and it keeps with the planes-named-after-birds tradition. (sea DUCK, lol) Or maybe named after some type of bird of prey... like a Peregrine Falcon.


I kinda wish I could make up a name based on the Duck Hawk or Peregrine Falcon just because it's "the fastest animal on the planet"... but the "Scarlet Macaw" definitely sounds better than anything I can think of using those names.


I can't wait to read it!

Since he's a Norwegian bird, you could shoot for a Norwegian name.

I am starting to agree with steet that the plot might be a little too complex. I like some complexity but do you think it's possible to look into other ways that Rebecca could be defrauded into losing Higher for Hire?

I was thinking about this today too, because I'm starting to write the part where Rebecca has her initial meeting with Jarrett.

I thought the tax fraud idea was actually okay, but maybe something else that would work and be "simpler" would be the bad guys using mob intimidation tactics to force Rebecca to sell H4H. Griffith could represent the Raceville mob and there would be some possibilities for some tense action scenes in CS. Actually, even before straycloud's last post I actually wanted to suggest putting in a scene where thugs (perhaps our street thugs) go to RC's apartment at night and Molly and RC have to fend them off/escape. Let me know what you guys think of that idea. I know it's not really a fraud per se (more like a threat), but I think it could still work. And like I said I thought the original tax fraud idea was fine, so I'm more than happy if we decide to stick to that.

EDIT: Actually I realized I don't like my "threat" idea at all. It would completely change the dynamic of many of the other scenes. In order for a lot of these scenes to work RC has to be in the dark about what is going on...so yeah, I think a "fraud" is best. So basically, ignore the paragraph above.

I had another thought, which is basically deciding the scope of Miniversal's plan. They want to grab all the land in Cape Suzette Harbor. Since this is hundreds of different owners, I think it's unlikely that they could use the same fraud on all of the different owners successfully. I think it may make more sense if we set it up (in the board meeting scene) so that Miniversal was able to purchase most of the land legitimately from the owners who were willing to sell. However, Rebecca and a couple of other businesses were "holdouts" not willing to sell at a reasonable price, so that is why Miniversal decides they need to defraud her. Do you guys think this is plausible? I think it may be believable since H4H is very important to RC, I don't think she would sell at a reasonable price.

Not to sound short, but whatever works is alright with me. I think before we go any further, we should firmly establish what it is we are trying to do as far as story arcs and character arcs. I don't have a problem with changing the arcs if it becomes necessary, the important thing is that we agree on the arcs and we stay on the same page.

For instance, my initial outline had RC losing H4H due to a character flaw. She wants to increase profits, but does it by cutting corners and ignoring red flags. In other words, it's her fault she loses H4H. Sure she was tricked, but her desire to be successful overnight (like Baloo) makes her overlook certain warning sighs that the help she is getting may not be legitimate.

Then there's Baloo's development, where he realizes that he's part of a family and returns to H4H. RC comes to the same conclusion, just much faster and easier than Baloo.

I accept that this may be too much character development for one story to support, and that's OK. If it is, we can simply cut out one the development for one character or another.

If it does come down to choosing character arcs, I'd most like to develop Baloo.

Another possibility might be to do a primary and secondary character arc... Just a thought.

Sorry guys, I'm don't want you think I'm wanting to start over from square one, I just want to make sure that we're all on the same page as far as the goals of the story. Even if we do decide to delete/modify a character arc, I don't think the story would be very drastically affected... At least not enough to have to start over completely.

So what are your ideas for character development? What would you like to see happen and why?

This might be too simple though, plus it kinda reminds me of some of the comic books. But you're in the right direction.

I could see Rebecca taking on higher and higher risks (especially if Baloo's not there to throttle her back) to the point where she's in trouble. Hell, maybe even runs into a loanshark (although I'm not 100% this would fit her character).

Or she takes on risks, her business is in trouble, and her new pilot to replace Baloo loses cargo (which is mob cargo or something) which really puts her into trouble.

Yeah, he does need to realize that he needs H4H.

It's funny you mention that though because Baloo was the most developed character during production of the series.

I wrote some more. The race is the biggest addition to this version.

Draft 3

Pretty much the only parts left now are RC and Griffith's meeting, and the part where Baloo buys back the Duck.

Let's talk some more about what the con should be.

While trying to write the RC/Griffith scene I realize that the original tax fraud idea has some problems. The original idea was for Griffith to pose as a financial expert and "review" H4H books - so he can cook them. I think this idea works on its own - the problem is it does not really mesh well with the idea of "taking risks" discussed earlier in the episode. Having what basically amounts to an accountant looking over your books does not have a lot of risk involved. And I couldn't think of any "risky" venture Griffith could represent that would cause RC to hand over H4H books. The way I see it there are two possible solutions here.

A) Keep the con the same (as above), but de-emphasize the discussion of "taking risks."
B) Change the con to something where RC would be taking a huge risk, and have her lose H4H because of it.

Personally I vote for option A) because it's easier to do. Taking out the discussion of risk doesn't really harm our story. The only thing that would change would be the initial H4H scene in Episode 1, but that's not a huge problem. I had a couple of ideas for B) but in all cases changing the con was far too complicated because it would have affected a lot of other parts of the story.

Let me know what you guys think.

Hi guys! I'm still alive and kicking ^_^ Sorry I've been gone a while. I haven't had enough free time lately to catch up on the Virtual Season what with my bad schedule in class.

Anywho I finally read the draft of the pilot and I say I'm impressed so far. It still has that atmosphere of the old Talspin in it. Honestly at the moment I can't give any comment regarding the story plot itself as my brain is dog-tired. But for the question of which character to develop I'd go with the Baloo primary arc. From what I read so far I think that the foundation for that arc has already been laid out quite well in the script.

On another note: the race scene(which I must say is pretty splendid) really caught my attention. If you guys don't mind I'll try to visualize the whole race course and I'll be focusing on that on the mean time. I will also try and come up with revised designs for the aircrafts to be used, now that I have an idea of how they behave specifically If I'm lucky (REALLY lucky) and have the time I may be able to finish the 3D sea duck for the VS, and a 3D draft of the race(at least just a show of the area with planes without the story events yet).

@Eclipse: Thanks for compliments on race scene. Very interested to see the visualization.

Well, I have sort of a final draft posted.

Draft 4

I made one fairly significant change in this one, I changed what is driving Rebecca to meet with Griffith (for my motivation for doing this see my previous post). In this version Kahn's shipyard has already opened and H4H is struggling to compete in the market because of it. So rather than all the discussion about risk, there is instead a sense that H4H is in trouble and RC needs to do something to save it. RC turns over H4H's books to Griffith because he poses as a financial expert and promises to save H4H a lot of money. I think this makes the plot flow better as RC now has a clear motivation to give Griffith the books. Let me know if you guys agree.

If people have time I'd like someone to go through the script and make suggestions for dialogue changes as I know that certain dialogues can be improved. When I wrote the scene where Baloo buys back the Sea Duck I drew very heavily from the "Save the Tiger" episode...maybe it resembles that scene too much actually.

Look over the draft and let me know what you guys think. Unless there are any major suggestions, then we can start writing Episode 2! Straycloud, do you think you'll have time to do a draft for that one?

I love the racing scenes! Great stuff and still in line with the orginal show.

I am currently reading it, and it's very impressive. Congrats!
I'm trying very hard to find some things to improve, but I don't. It's even very funny, something usually hard to do when writing!
Only a minor thing : Wildcat usually calls Molly "Molly-cat".