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That's pretty good.

OK, this one's an experiment to see how far it's safe to take a joke. If it offends someone, please tell me. It's a redneck joke, but it was given to me by a redneck and he thought it was funny, so here goes.

Dear Redneck Son,
I am writing this slow because I know you can't read fast, we do not live where we did when you left home, your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home so we moved. I will not be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers with them when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address. The place is really nice it even has a washing machine, I'm not sure it works so well though last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, and we've not seen them since. The weather isn't bad here it only rained twice last week, the first time for three days the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you Uncle Billy-Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with buttons on so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday; we were really worried because it took two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning but I have not found out what it is yet so I don't know if you're and aunt or and uncle. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck, Butch was driving and he rolled the window down and swam to safety, your other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There's not much more news at this time, nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your favorite aunt,

Agnus

OK, here's one of those "can't find a good station" bits.

"For the deodorant that keeps you smelling fresh as a daisy all day long..."
skzzzzz
"try one of our fresh tuna fish sandwhiches. And why not top it off with a big glass of..."
skzzzzz
"... Shaker State Motor Oil. With Shaker State, you can be sure that..."
skzzzzz
"...your teeth will be their whitest white, and your breath will..."
skzzzzz
"...stop roaches dead in their tracks. Plus it will kill flies, ants, fleas, termites, and..."
skzzzzz
"...all the people you love."

Taken from Bloodhounds, Inc. book 10, by Bill Myers.

Thanks.

*memorizes*

If you thought that was funny, try this one.

Redneck Love Letter

Collards is green
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.

You have som'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
these won't do.
Cause yo're too special,
you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds...

It's a new trollin' motor!!

Differences Between Men and Women:
Money: A man will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want.
Bathrooms: A man has five items in his bathroom (toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn). The average number of items in a woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Arguments: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything the man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Cats: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
Success: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Dressing up: A woman will dress up to...
* Go shopping.
* Water the plants.
* Empty the garbage.
* Answer the phone.
* Read a book.
* Get the mail.
A Man will dress up for:
* Weddings.
* Funerals.

Phrases of Wisdom
1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to school doesn't make you smart any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
AND . . . (drum roll please?)
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else that may be having a crumby day and kneads it.

(This joke pre-approved by a moderator)

Why Men Should Join the Church Choir

10. Rehearsals are every Wednesday night. Which means that for those few hours, you will significantly reduce your risk of contracting tendinitis from nonstop operation of a television remote control or computer mouse.

9. Because you wear a choir robe every Sunday, you are liberated from a task many men find quite challenging: finding clothes that match properly.

8. From your special vantage point every Sunday, in which you look out at the entire congregation from the choir seats, you will develop interesting new hobbies. Among these is a little guessing game called "Who's Praying, Who's Sleeping?"

7. On the other hand, sitting in full view of 400-500 people on a weekly basis makes it much less likely that you yourself will give in to a chronic lack of sleep. Although it has been known to happen.

6. If you think your singing in the shower sounds good now, just wait till you've been singing with us for a few weeks.

5. Singing in a choir is one of the few activities for men that does not require electronics equipment or expensive power tools. This could be good for the family budget.

4. For the fitness buffs, singing in the Choir is not only heart healthy, it's soul healthy. But there are no monthly membership fees, and it's a lot easier on the knees than jogging.

3. If you think you've done everything there is to do, and there are no great challenges left in life, try singing with us guys and staying on pitch.

2. Choir rehearsal lasts half as long as a professional football game, but is at least twice as satisfying. This is especially true if you are a long-suffering fan of the Miami Dolphins. (Don't worry, though, the rehearsals are on Wednesday, not Monday Nights.)

And the number 1 reason men should join the choir:

1. When people ask you whether you've been behaving yourself, you can say with the utmost sincerity, "Hey, I'm a Choir Boy."

A large flywheel company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!
The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back." Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Yayz new motor! x3

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup.
So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch?"
But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize."
The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!"
And she hands the ticket to the manager and he reads...
"W I N A B A G E L"

LOL - I'm going to show that my choir master!