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i have a prescription to comedy central and this came up this week:
Congressman's Money

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."

The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'm a United States congressman!"

The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"

(i fell of my chair at this joke)

Susan Boil has a boil on her bottom!

i have a prescription to comedy central and this came up this week:
Congressman's Money

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."

The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'm a United States congressman!"

The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"

(i fell of my chair at this joke)

Okay, I got a little interesting parallel draw here. I was watching Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie on Comedy Central this past Saturday, and during Bill Engvall's "here's your sign" sequence, he mentioned an experience about lost luggage at the airport. He had gotten off the plane, and the airline lost his luggage. He goes down there, and the lady at counter asks if his plane landed yet. Bill said, "No, princess, I'm having an out-of-body experience! I'm just checking on it!" Here's your sign. But here's the parallel: I got to thinking, "I wonder if this is what it's like to be a moderator on here." Working in lost luggage is, in Bill's view, one of those job that no sane person applies for. I later got to thinking that in the occupational world, that has got to be the closest thing to being a moderator here on AS (Mods, if you read this, I'm not trying to make you mad, I'm just making a comparison that may appear as amusing to some). If you have either job, you don't have a good day. Both are basically like having a job cleaning out Port-A-Johns. You're just gonna catch crap the entire time you're at the job site.
One guaranteed funny bit from that show: Jeff Foxworthy opened his segment with a trip to do a show in northern Minnesota in the winter, and how some guys invited him to go ice fishing. It was 15 degrees below zero. But he did get to thinking about the ice fishing from the perspective of a fish that gets caught and then thrown back. Think about it: In the animal kingdom, that has got to be the closest thing to having one of those out-of-body experiences. That fish probably went back to his buddies and said, "Dudes, I was just swimming along, and all of a sudden I found myself being drawn towards the light! And it was getting brighter. And then I went through this opening! And I saw all my dead relatives all around me! And then I saw God! He was wearing a flannel shirt and a Budweiser hat! He then brings me in close and says, 'It's not your time yet.'" I wonder if any fish caught and released during ice fishing season has ever actually said that to other fish.

I was going to post a joke about an unsharpened pencil, but it was pointless.

With pleasure.

Things to say when someone at the lost baggage department asks if your plane has arrived yet.

10. No, I'm having an out-of-body experience.
9. Has it? *check watch* Wow, that time travel experiment really worked!
8. Of course it has. You think they'd let me take my jet pack through security?
7. Actually, no it hasn't. I am secretly the mutant superhero Nightcrawler, and when there wasn't enough time for another movie I decided to just teleport right here.
6. Well, yes and no. The real me decided to send his clone-that's me-to pick up the baggage ahead of time.
5. No, it just looks like it. I have a Pokemon hidden in my jacket and it's using double-team.
4. (scowl and put on a British accent) No, my plane had an engine problem so I had to fly commercial.
3. I guess it hasn't. Maybe I'm just dreaming this after having too much airline food.
2. No, but somehow I'm still here talking to you.
1. Yes.

For some reason I can't find the bit about fishing on YouTube, but if you listen to Ken Davis enough you'll find it sooner or later.

They're supposed to be sarcastic (except for the first one).

And number five was supposed to convey a sense of aristocratic snobbery.

I was going to post a joke about an unsharpened pencil, but it was pointless.