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I don' care about the stock market, but if the flea market has problems I say give em a bailout. It's funny how whenever someone gets you something from the flea market no matter how great it is once you know it's from the flea market you don't want it anymore.

Lady #1: I just love this lamp that you got me. It absolutley fits perfectly with my living room.

Lady#2: I'm glad you like it. I bought it at the flea market.

Lady#1: You have exactly one minute to get this flea market pile a junk out of my living room before I spray you and it.

Why do they even call it the flea market? They should call it the "We Don't Have Fleas Anymore" market.

Let me say in advance this is NOT a political joke, only a pun.

George Bush was walking along one day and he happened to see Moses. He started to wave, but the minute Moses saw him he turned and ran. Confused, Bush shrugged and went on his way.
The next day he was in the same area and saw Moses again. Once again he waved, and Moses ran. Very confused and a little annoyed, Bush went on his way.
The third day came, and again he saw Moses. Before the prophet could run, he called to him, "Why do you run every time you see me?"
Moses replied, "Because the last time I talked to a bush I got stuck in the desert for 40 years."

Q: Why should you not take a Pokemon into the bathroom with you?

A: Because it might Pikachu.





Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes by rolling them into a typewriter to type on them.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was then heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told "Egghead" was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring that the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a "cup holder"?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

Another well-known one that I can add is the true tale of the user who called up complaining that the instructions said to load the four diskettes into "Drive A" but he couldn't possibly get more than two in.

Stupid people fearing

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.

He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

Oh, man! I am showing this to my brother. No way is he calling me computer illiterate again.

I know where I first heard about this: the Mythbusters tested this one. They found that cookie dough can explode under extreme heat, and shoot the dough out like a projectile.

Here's a video of it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1pQwB1NDwGA

ROFLMAO! I laughed my head off at this, especially number 8!

Glad you like 'em.

That was so funny! But Achmed used most those lines in the Very Special Christmas Special. :/

This is one of my favorite stories from comedian Ken Davis.

When you learn to fly, one of the first things they tell you is to never fly into a cloud. So the first thing I did when I got my pilot's license was I went cloud hunting. I found a nice big one, backed off to build up a head of steam, and shot right into that thing. And while I was in there, I noticed a pencil on the seat next to me start to move, even though nothing was touching it, and then suddenly it snapped to the ceiling like it had been drawn by a magnet. I thought to myself, 'This is why they don't want us to come in here. They don't want us to have any fun; this is the coolest thing that's ever happened to me.'
Right at that instant, I came out of the cloud upside-down. I called on all my experience and called out, "MOTHEERRR!!!"

LOL! NICE!

Another one from Ken Davis.
How the fight started:

* A man named George heard his wife crying in the bathroom and asked her, "Honey, what's wrong?"
She said, "Just look at me. I'm getting so old. I'm grey, I'm fat, and I'm wrinkled. I really need someone to say something positive about me right now."
George looked deep into her eyes and said, "Well, honey, your vision is fine." Then the fight started.

* Another man reports, "I came home one night and my wife demanded I take her someplace expensive. So I took her to the gas station." And then the fight started.

* Another man asked his wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She smiled and said, "Somewhere I haven't been for a long time."
"Oh," her husband replied, "How 'bout the kitchen?" And that's when the fight started.

* This may be the silliest. One guy's wife walked into the den and asked "What's on the TV?"
"Dust," her husband replied. And that's when the fight started.

I'm a blonde, but I found this blonde joke hilarious:


There are three girls stranded on an island: a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette tries to swim back to shore, and swims 5 miles, then drowns. Then the redhead tries, and makes it 10 miles, but she drowns too. Then finally the blonde tries. She swims 15 miles, and can almost practically touch the shore. Then she says "Im tired," and turns back! XD

Then I heard this one at camp:

There are three men: one chinese guy, one japanese guy, and one american guy. They all went to eat on the roof of the building they worked in. They opened their lunches. The chinese guy said, "Man, if I get noodles in my lunch one more time, I'm gonna jump off this building!" Then the japanese guy says, "Man, if I get sushi in my lunch one more time, I'm gonna jump off this building!" Then, the american guy says, "Man if I get peanut butter and jelly in my lunch one more time, I'm gonna jump off this building!" The next day, when they went to go eat their lunches, the chinese guy got noodles, the japanese guys got sushi, and the american guy got peanut butter and jelly. They all jumped off the building. At the funeral, the chinese and japense guys' mothers felt so bad for packing the lunches, and were crying; everyone was looking at them, making them feel guilty. Then they looked at the american guy's mother and she said, "Don't look at me! He packed his own lunches!"


lol. XD