Dusty's surprise for Balto and Jenna.(Re-edited)

Frost · **Posted:** Thu Apr 05, 2007 3:59 am

Kool keep up the Story!

MayaHuskee · **Posted:** Thu Apr 05, 2007 4:24 am

Kari wrote:

I'll say that this fic has a lot of potential. I just have a little constructive critisism, if you don't mind. :wink:

First of all, it's a little difficult at the moment to tell when your characters are speaking. The quotations are squished in with the text and actions. I think that if you used quotation marks, it would make the fic ten times easier to understand.

Also, your text seems to be merged into one huge run-on sentence. Use periods; space out your writing. It makes it a little easier to follow.

Another thing. Use details in your writing. Maybe describe the scenery or describe the thoughts of a character. Personally, I think that a fanfic with details is a lot easier to visualize and understand opposed to a fic that just states the obvious.

So, basically, just a few errors in grammar.

Nothing too huge. Keep this going, just put forth a little more effort when you write.

I agree. This story HAS potential, but your not USING it. And the fact that your chapters are only a paragraph long is very... Well, it makes it displeasing. If I was someone with any sense, I would not read this story with paragraph 'chapters'. Take your time, and use that space bar. It is your friend. Oh, and quotes do wonders.

I know just about everyone has taken english lessons for school. Use them to your benifit.

ignorance[PM]19 · **Posted:** Thu Apr 05, 2007 11:01 am

Very Nice! Check Out My Story Guys and girls!

WhiteLightning · **Joined:** Wed Apr 12, 2006 12:25 pm **Posts:** 221

very good story but you need to use correct quotation and punctuation. Example: "Hi i'm <enter name here>."<enter name here> said.

Gold Wolf · **Posted:** Sun Jun 03, 2007 5:21 am

Chapter eight:As Ralph approached her,and begged her to come back to Nome with them,
Dusty declined his offer and continued to howl,and turned to follow Aleu,who was already walking away,
but turned her head toward Dusty,
and replied well come on Dusty,let's go,your new mate is waiting for you,
new mate?,Ralph whimpered,come on Jenna,and Ralph,let's get back to Nome,
Kodi and Kirby are probably wondering what happened to us,
when they got back to Nome,
Kirby and Kodi were indeed waiting for Balto,Jenna,and Ralph,and rushed to nuzzle the returning trio,but Ralph sadly walked past Kirby,and Kodi,to have a long rest,
what's with Ralph,dad?Kodi asked Balto,when Jenna spoke up,and replied,Dusty decided to stay,and become a wolf,Kirby stared in shock....to be concluded.

Tibbeh · **Posted:** Fri Jun 08, 2007 10:05 pm

DakotaWereWolf wrote:

It wasn't bad but still needs improvement with sentence structure and quotes "" so that we know who's talkin'.

Doin' this make the story more clearer. For example like this:

Chapter eight

As Ralph approached her and begged her to come back to Nome with them, Dusty declined his offer and continued to howl. She turned her head to follow Aleu, who was already walking away, but turned her head toward Dusty and replied, "Well come on Dusty. let's go. Your new mate is waiting for you."

"New mate?" Ralph whimpered.
------------------------------

See if you bunch it up, it's more difficult to read. But if ya divide it among paragraphs and use the right sentence structure, then the story will be much enjoyable and easier to read. It's nothin' against ya but your sentence structure needs work for it is a bit sloppy. :wink:

Again no offense but this is how I see it as.

Mhm. Spacing and the Enter bar and puncuation is your friend. It's almost impossible for me to read any of that since it's one big block.

Also maybe try to add more.. more to it. Make it longer and add more detail. It may take longer to do so, but more people will be likely to read it.

Cristy_H_Balto · **Posted:** Sat Jun 30, 2007 5:22 pm

Very nice thought. :wink:

Gold Wolf · **Posted:** Sat Aug 25, 2007 1:55 pm

Chapter Nine:A wolf?,Kirby half-shouted,that doesn't sound like something Dusty would do,we've got to go and bring her
back to her senses,then come on Kodi said,
the day's wasting away,and we've got along way to go,
meanwhile Dusty was enjoying the ways of the wolf,when she heard the familar sound of sled dog barks,
and a very familiar wolf-dog howl,
no that couldn't be Balto,Kodi,and Kirby,meanwhile,Jenna and Dipsy,were
trying their very best to comfort Ralph,
who was on the verge of a breakdown,when they heard three dog barks
and two howls,Ralph couldn't believe his eyes,
Dusty?did you come back to stay?
or are you gonna leave me
heartbroken,and sad,Ralphy-boy,you'll find another female dog,
that will love you just as much as I do
with that,Dusty let out another howl,and went off to her life as a wolf.
The End(sad ending,huh?)

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Dusty's surprise for Balto and Jenna.(Re-edited)