Animation Source Forums

A man with a teenage daughter was washing dishes when he heard a car outside. Peeking out the window, he saw a teenage boy making an obvious effort to approach the door. The young man was so nervous that he walked up and then retreated most of the way to his car three times, trying to find the courage to ring the doorbell. The man inside noticed he was holding two large knives and decided to have some fun. He quickly dried them off and went to the front door. As soon as the petrified teen had managed to ring the doorbeel, the man yanked the door open and just stood there, holding the knives. Greeted by the sight, the youngster grew pale and his eyes bulged to the size of golf balls. With a gulp, he stammered, "Could, uh... could Marie come..."
The man began to rub the edges of the knives together. The poor teen's eyes got bigger still in sheer terror, but he held his post. "C-could I, maybe..."
The man, trying not to laugh, gave a stern frown and pointed one of the knives at the boy like an accusing finger. "You look just like the kid who murdered my parents."
By now the boy was as white as a sheet, his eyes were each the size of a baseball, and he looked like me might drop dead on the spot.
The man laughed. "Ah, I'm just kidding. I killed my own parents. Come on in."

Thanks. I never did learn how to identify the two, and I doubt I ever will.

Actual headlines:
"Eye drops off shelf."
"Something went wrong in jet crash" (DUH!)
"Defendant's speech ends in long sentence."
"New bridge held up by red tape" (I'm not driving on that thing).

A dishonest lawyer bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out for the charge of manslaughter rather than murder. The penalty for manslaughter was just a few years in prison with a chance of parole, while the penalty for murder was life with no parole. The jury was out for several days before they came back with the charge of manslaughter.
As the crooked lawyer was paying the juror, he asked, "Did you have a hard time getting them to agree?"
"I sure did," the man replied. "The other eleven wanted to say not guilty."

And, in honor of Valentine's Day, here's a wedding joke:
A little girl at a wedding asked her mom, "Why is the bride wearing white?"
The mom replied, "Because white is a happy color, and this is the happiest day of her life."
The girl thought this over and then asked, "Mommy, why is the groom wearing black?"

And another little girl joke:
A little girl asked her mother, "Mommy, why are some of your hairs gray?"
The girl's mom, slightly miffed by the sensitive subject, answered, "It's because every time you do something bad, one of my hairs turns gray."
The girl thought about this and then asked, "Is it the same way for all little girls and their mommies?"
The girl's mother, still irritated, replied, "Yes, it's the same for all girls and their mommies."
The little girl took a moment to process this new information and then asked, "Is that why all Grandma's hairs are grey?"

My English teacher posts stupid quotes her students have said in class on her wall, and I thought I'd quote a couple...

During a discussion about euthanasia and other controversial matters in America today:

Student 1: "What did she say?"

Student 2: "Youth in Asia."

Student 1: (to teacher) "What's wrong with young Asians???"


One more:

When a former senior was asked to punctuate the following un-punctuated sentence: Oh no Chris cried the banana bread my specialty is ruined

He responded: "Oh no, Chris!" cried the banana man, "my specialty is ruined!"

Well, once again I was single on Valentine’s Day this year. Maybe I’d have better luck if I didn’t write cards like these:

I’d climb the highest mountain,
I’d swim the deepest sea,
I’d walk a thousand miles
To get away from thee.

A little message from me to you,
On a scale of one to ten, you’re a negative two.

Roses are red, Violets are nifty,
I have no money, so you have no gifty.

Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I’d kiss you much more if you’d spit out your chew.

My love for you is like a tub of water.
Once I got used to it, it wasn’t so hot.

You mean the world to me…
Famine, inflation, poverty, unemployment, murder, and the horror of nuclear war.

I’m going to broadcast to the world how I feel about you,
Just as soon as I find a radio station that was going to lose its license anyway.

Roses are red, looming huge to the ant,
I wish you would fall in a waste treatment plant.

Heres one I got out of a magazine:

Teacher: Simon, can you spell your name backwards?
Simon: Nomis

This is a Valentines day joke a friend put in a card. It's quite funny if you think about it.

Roses are red, Violets are blue,
When I think of you, I think of goo.

There's another one, but I'm not putting it up since it could be against the rules. I don't know, but if you want to to know what it is, just PM me.

Thank you for respecting the rules.

You must all think I have a pathetic sense of humor for this, but people yelling about getting called short is funny to me. This is funnier if you're a Fullmetal Alchemist fan though.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=mAkoMGHKbB4

More strange headlines:
"Patient at Death's Door. Doctor Pulls Him Through." (consider the mental picture)
"William Kelly, 87, Was Fed Secretary."
"If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly It May Last A While." (obviously)
"Man Is Fatally Slain."

All these beg the question: who in the world writes these?

I don't know who writes them, but I'm sure they did get paid very much!

Here's something I heard a couple of years ago. It's pretty ridiculous:

Three builders, Joe, Sam and George were sitting at the top of a very high scaffolding, eating their lunch.
Joe opened his lunchbox and groaned.
"Oh no, not chicken AGAIN," he said. "I've been having chicken sandwiches for the last two years, and I'm sick of it. Hopefully, it'll be something different tomorrow."
Sam opened his lunchbox and groaned.
"Oh no, not cheese AGAIN," he said. "I've been having cheese sandwiches for the last two years, and I'm sick of it. Hopefully, it'll be something different tomorrow."
George opened his lunchbox and groaned.
"Oh no, not lettuce AGAIN," he said. "I've been having lettuce sandwiches for the last two years, and I'm sick of it. Hopefully, it'll be something different tomorrow."
Despite this, they ate their lunch, hoping for something different the next day.
The next day, they were disappointed again, for the sandwiches were still the same - chicken, cheese and lettuce.
The day after that, the same happened. They decided that if they didn't have anything different the next day, they would kill themselves.
The next day, the sandwiches were the same again. So the builders left a suicide note, and then threw themselves off the scaffolding and died.

At the funeral, the builders' wives were mourning together.
"If only Joe had told me he was fed up of chicken," Joe's wife sobbed. "I would have made him something different."
"Same here," sobbed Sam's wife. "If only Sam had told me that he was fed up of cheese. I would have made him something different."
George's wife was simply puzzled.
"I don't know why George was so upset about it," she said. "Because George made his own sandwiches."

Canis --> Whatever they got paid for some of those, it was too much.
As for the sandwhich joke, that one stands on the line between classic and clas-sick. lol

My brother is a big fan of the comedian, Peter Kay, and told me about an interview he did on the radio when his wife was pregnant. I thought it was quite funny.

Radio guy who's name I wasn't told: I hear that your wife is pregnant. What are you expecting?
Peter Kay: A baby hopefully.