Comedy

Jake Razor · **Posted:** Mon Jan 05, 2009 2:51 pm

I guess I might as well post a few of these, there's no keeping them off forever.

Chuck Norris got his driver's liscense at the age of 16... seconds.
Chuck Norris lost both legs in a car accident and still walked away.
There are no doors in Chuck Norris' house. Just walls he walks through.
There are three things that can kill Superman: Kryptonite, lack of sunlight, and Chuck Norris. And I'm not positive about the first two.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, he can still see you and you are probably seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever. (An ironic note on this joke: Chuck Norris is actually a very open patriot, and has even written a book titled Black Belt Patriotism.)
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.
The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.

And these ones following, apparently, were picked by Chuck Norris himself.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Pirate480 · **Posted:** Mon Jan 05, 2009 3:09 pm

Dragon Tamer wrote:

I guess I might as well post a few of these, there's no keeping them off forever.

Chuck Norris got his driver's liscense at the age of 16... seconds.
Chuck Norris lost both legs in a car accident and still walked away.
There are no doors in Chuck Norris' house.
There are three things that can kill Superman: Kryptonite, lack of sunlight, and Chuck Norris. And I'm not positive about the first two.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, he can still see you and you are probably seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever. (An ironic note on this joke: Chuck Norris is actually a very open patriot, and has even written a book titled Black Belt Patriotism.)
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.
The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.

And these ones following, apparently, were picked by Chuck Norris himself.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

I thought my sister was the only one to use those saying

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHwqbLMZhcA

RagingBalto · **Posted:** Mon Jan 05, 2009 3:21 pm

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

Jake Razor · **Posted:** Tue Jan 06, 2009 3:03 pm

You know you went to my college when...
You can remember seeing squirrels, giant robots, and a garage band all in one video.
The lyrics to "I Will Survive" make you think of aliens and five-ton disco balls.

BamaBelle2012 · **Posted:** Mon Jan 19, 2009 6:12 pm

www.chucknorrisfacts.com

Kolton · **Posted:** Mon Jan 19, 2009 6:12 pm

Chuck Norris is the only one who can deleted the recycle bin on a windows 98 computer

Ill post more later :3

Jake Razor · **Posted:** Mon Jan 19, 2009 7:45 pm

When a visitor to a twon in Alabama saw a dog attacking a small boy, he soezed the animal and throttled it with his bare hands. A reporter passing by was impressed and told him the next day's headline would read, "Valiant Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."
"Oh, I'm not from this town," explained the hero. "I'm from New Hampshire."
"In that case," the reporter grumbled, "the headline will be 'Yankee Kills Family Pet.'"

An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage. The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked, "Where were you on the night of October to April?"

How do you know when you're in the presence of a real Coloradoan? He carries his $3,000 mountain bike atop his $500 car.

A DuPont chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks, "Do you have any acetylsilicylic acid?"
"You mean aspirin?" says the pharamcist.
"That's it! I can never remember that word."

How do you know when you live in Georgia? When all directions start with, "Go down Peachtree..." and include the words, "When you see the Waffle House..."

Want to join a militia? Idaho's your state. Here are some terms to learn:
Commander: Whoever starts the unit.
Second in Command: His best friend.
Auxiliary Commander: His wife.
Captain: New guy.
Militia Headquarters: The basement of whoever has the fax machine.
Squad: Guys n ambulance who come out when a militia member accidentally shoots himself in the foot.

You know you're in Louisiana when the local zoo has a description of the animal on the front of every cage... along with a recipe.

How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky? If it were invented anywhere else, it would be called a teethbrush.

Lewis Black commenting on Boston traffic: "The last person to get across that town in under three hours was yelling, 'The British are coming! The British are coming!'"

The four seasons in Minnesota are as follows: Almost winter, winter, still winter, and highway construction.

Jake Razor · **Posted:** Tue Jan 20, 2009 5:16 am

Bassist --> Thanks!
Here's another Chuck Norris bit.
I once tried to block Chuck Norris playing football. I am now writing this as a ghost.

Roi Doberwolf · **Posted:** Tue Jan 20, 2009 2:42 pm

fav Chuck Norris one: What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

RagingBalto · **Posted:** Wed Jan 21, 2009 6:57 am

Roi Doberwolf wrote:

fav Chuck Norris one: What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

That reminds me of one of my favorite Kurt Cobain jokes.

I_am_Balto · **Joined:** Thu Jan 22, 2009 8:17 am **Posts:** 12

Why is America so big?

Because it ate to many burgers from McDonalds.

Jake Razor · **Posted:** Sun Jan 25, 2009 5:03 pm

You know you went to my college when you have heard references from a Chicken Soup book, Winnie the Pooh, and Oprah... all in the same lesson.

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