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Three people are stranded on a desert island. They enter a cave and find a magical lamp. They rub it, and out comes a genie. It grants each of them one wish.
"I wish I was home," says the first person. And so he is zapped home.
"I wish I was home too," says the second person. And so he is also zapped home.
"And you?" the genie asks the last person. The remaining person says:
"I wish my friends were back here, 'cause I'm lonely."

An Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman are on a plane. The plane is about to crash and there are only two parachutes on board. They discuss who should get one.
"I think I should get a parachute," says the Irishman, "because I have a family at home. If I die, there's no one to work for them and to feed them."
"I'm the owner of an enormous company," says the Scotsman, "so if I die, thousands of people could lose their jobs."
"Oh yeah," sneers the Englishman. "I've just won The Brain of Britain, because I'm really smart. The world needs smart people more than it needs you two. So that's why I'm having a parachute."
And with that, he grabs the nearest pack and jumps out the plane.
"Oh no, what are we going to do?" asks the Scotsman.
"Oh don't worry," says the Irishman. "We'll both get a parachute now, because Brain of Britain has just jumped out with my rucksack."

Don't you mean the Scotsman jumping out of the plain? Get the facts right, no one likes Scotland

Careful, bub. I've got ancestors from there.

Anyway, here's another joke.
A woman was going away and wanted her sink fixed while she was away. She left a note for the plumber telling him, "Don't worry about the dog. He acts mean, but he won't bite. But whatever you do, don't say anything to the parrot."
Sure enough, the plumber came and read the note. As the woman had said, her Rottweiler growled at him but did nothing to harm him. The bird, however, kept at him with a constant stream of insults as he worked on the sink. Finally the plumber snapped, "Shut up!"
The parrot replied, "Get 'im, Spike."

Joke: What do you call advertising a product/service with the name written on your head?

Punch line: Head-vertising!

Actually, I heard the "head-vertising" line in an episode of The Simpsons. It was the one where Homer's beloved blue pants tore, and he can't find a replacement pair. So he goes to the company that makes them and comes up with a new marketing plan by having an ad for them placed on the back of his head. When Marge asked "what is it?", Homer said, "It's called head-vertising."

Ad in a newspaper: "Carrabas Italian Grill - People Are Our Specialty."

A lady called animal control, very upset, to tell them there was a skunk in her basement. The person answering told her, "Now just calm down. All you have to do is put a trail of bread crumbs leading outside and the skunk will leave."
She called back two hours later. "I did what you said," she complanined, "And now I've got two of 'em!"

Unimpressed with the prices he found at a 1-hour photo shop outside Washington, D.C., a customer asked where he might find a better deal on a head shot.
"Go to the theater," advised the clerk. "There's a booth there."
The customer recoiled. No thanks, I remember Lincoln."

Hmm, I got the first joke, but not the second...

Well, see, the idea was that the skunk would eat the bread crumbs, follow the trail, and leave. But instead, another skunk from outside followed the trail into the basement.
And the third joke requires some historical knowledge. See, Abraham Lincoln was assassinated by means of a shot to the head from a man named John Wilkes Booth, and it happened at a theater.

Don't you mean the Scotsman jumping out of the plain? Get the facts right, no one likes Scotland

Q: What do you call a blonde with a brain?
A: A Golden Retriever.