dripping off my face. I watched as Mac tried to push me off but I bit him in the face. Growling, I got off him. I was suspicious. He was making this too easy. I was getting off when I felt a hard pressure knock me off.
Mac smiled evily. I was knocked onto the wet ground. Rain poured down into my face. I sputtered and stared up at the familiar faces. I blinked one. Twice. Three times. Faux and Vixie. They held me down on eaither side. Mac attacked me. After 5 minutes, i hung my head in shame. Vixie tightened her grip on my right paw. Faux bit me hard. Mac tried to bit me in the face but I turned my head.
"Ahh!" I screamed. Mac caught me across the eye. My eye stung bad and I could feel warm liquid run down my face. I looked up weakly. Mac clawed at my chest. I closed my eyes, weaker than ever. Mac told Faux and Vixie that they could go. The trotted off laughing easily. Mac was about to bite me one more time to finish me off, when I saw a white blur ram into him.
I barely opened my eyes. Suddenly, I heard Mac's shrill scream I turned my head in the mushy mud. I saw a white hybrid with black tips on her ears growling menacingly at Mac. Tala! I realized. It was about time.
I smiled weakly. Tala bit Mac in the face. Mac tried to hit Tala but she kicked him. Then she bit him on his paw. He howled. Tala body slammed him. She bit him on his eyes. I saw to white balls fly across the darkened feild. "Eek!" Mac screamed. I felt an instant vibe from Tala. She ripped out his eyes. Gross.
Suddenly I heard a slow whine. I turned my head and saw Tala limp over to me. Mac was laying in a puddle of blood. Not breathing. Tala helped me up. I felt more liquid roll down my face. On both sides though. I was crying. Tala cried with me.
I shook me head to get the rain out of my eyes. I saw blood. Tala reached up and gently put a paw to my face. There was blood dripping off. "You're crying blood. Your tears in this eye are tears of blood." Tala whispered. I cried ever more. "Don't cry." Tala whispered. "I'm not crying because I'm sad. I'm crying because you saved my life. I like, could have been killed. You saved me!" Tala smiled. More blood fell down my cheeks.
1 Year Later
I was 2 years old now and I had that big cut across my eye. I still had Tala who had my back whenever I needed her. She saved my life from being killed by Mac. I only had her to lose. Which would NEVER happen.
I loved Tala. I loved her as my best friend and as a sister. I started to cry and warmth filled my eye. My left one. I cry tears of blood and that's all I ever will.
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| August 19, 2009 | ||
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It's sooo good. Tala is freakin' aweosme, rips out Mac's eyes! It
tooka while to attack him though. |
| August 20, 2009 | ||
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Pretty rough. As you might have guessed, I'm no fan of the violence or
the language. But the story is pretty well-managed except for one
thing: your main character's desire for the wild needs considerably
more development. She just meets one wild animal and all of the sudden
she's acting like one, enough to hurt her own brother? Way too
rushed. Also, it might be a good idea to break up the paragraphs a bit more; start a new one each time the speaker changes. |