everybody else at the 4077th. During surgery, Hawkeye mysteriously 'found' a light bulb in somebodies intestines.

“I'm being honest colonel, I opened him up and there it was!” said Hawkeye with a puppy-like face. “I don't know how it got there! Either he got it stuck in there during a bar fight somehow or his colon's got a great idea.”

During the evening movie he would shout advice to the characters on screen. When Lon Chaney was unmasked in the 1925 version of 'The Phantom of the Opera' Hawkeye shrieked and fainted.

During dinner he would bring in his own food, claiming it was the liver, heart, fingers, or brain of a wounded man he worked on earlier.

At bedtime he would talk insistently in his sleep or snore so loud that it kept everyone in the camp awake. Finally, Colonel Blake gave him permission to go to Tokyo for two weeks.

Two weeks later...

Hawkeye arrived in the 4077th at noon. He unpacked his stuff out of the jeep, took it into the 'Swamp', and headed for the showers. On his way there, Radar ran up to him.

“Hawkeye! There's something I...”

“Quiet Radar. I haven't slept for twenty hours, and haven't showered in forty. Out of my way.”

“But you...”

“I said quiet. Whatever it is it can wait for at least two minutes.”

He entered the shower and got in one of them. He turned on the flow of hot water.

“Ahhhhhhhhh.”

Radar burst in. “Hawkeye, you need to know that...”

“Radar, didn't I tell you to shut up? Now be quiet until I'm done.”

Radar stood there, right beside the shower stall. He stood there, unmoving. He fidgeted, looked over his shoulder, but didn't move. Finally, Hawkeye was done. He stepped out wrapped himself in his bathrobe, and tromped over to Radar.

“Now, what was so important?”

“Trapper's gone!”

Hawkeye was speechless. “What... what do you mean gone?”

“Trapper's gone. A day after you got your leave, he got a letter from headquarters. He's been sent home.”

“Why didn't you tell me?!”

“I tried, but you wouldn't let me!”

“Why didn't he wait to say goodbye?”

“He did! He waited as long as he could before he had to leave?”

Hawkeye put his forehead against the wall. “When did he leave?”

“Two minutes ago.”

“What?He only left two minutes ago?! Then I can still catch him!” Hawkeye ran at top speed toward Colonel Blake's office. He burst in without knocking. “RequestpermissiontogobeabletosaygoodbyetoTrapperbeforehisplanetakesoffsir!” he quickly gasped, out of breath.

“Whoa! Say that slowly!”

“I.. request... permission... to.. say.. goodbye.. to.. Trapper.. before.. his.. plane.. takes.. off.”

“Sure, go ahead. Oh, and we're getting a replacement for Trapper too, so pick him up, please. Take Radar with you.”

“Yes sir! Absolutely sir! Thank you sir!”

“Knock it off with all the 'sirs' please.”

“Yes sir!” Hawkeye turned and bolted out the door. Outside he immediately found Radar. “You! Come! Into the Jeep! Now!” He grabbed Radar by the collar, lifted him off the ground, and dropped him into the jeep. He himself got in the driver's side and sped off as fast as he could.

He made it to the airport. He hopped out and started searching for Trapper. He found him. He saw his friend's back as he climbed in the plane. Hawkeye bolted to the plane as fast as his feet would carry him. “Trapper!”

Trapper turned and saw him, just as the boarding door was closed. The plane began going down the runway. It took off into the air. In seconds it was gone, vanished from sight.

Hawkeye and Radar met the replacement. His name was Kaltag “BJ” Hunnicutt. Hawkeye and Radar took him for a drink at a bar often frequented by personnel at the 4077th. It was called Rosie's Bar, run by a South Korean woman. The place was notorious for fights breaking out almost constantly. After they ordered their drinks, Hawkeye and Radar asked BJ to tell them about himself. He had graduated from medical school near the top of all his classes. He had attended many different colleges and such. In short, he was an amazing doctor. He also had a knack for pulling pranks on people. After hearing this, Hawkeye knew that him and BJ would get along quite nicely.

When they got back to the camp, Blake practically forced them out of the jeep.

“I got a letter too! They're sending me home as well!”

“Well, Radar, you'd better show BJ to our tent. I'll take Colonel Blake to the airport.”

Along the way there, Blake talked insistently. He talked about how wonderful it would be to see his family again, his three year old son, and his baby that was born four months after Blake had arrived in Korea. They made it to the airport, and Blake jumped off the jeep with all his luggage.

“Bon voyage Colonel.”

“Look me up when you get back to the states. I'd like to be able to see everyone from the 4077th again sometime. Tell everybody that I'll write to them as soon as I get home.” With that he walked onto the plane.

When Hawkeye made it back to the 4077th (again) at five o'clock, he immediately returned to the 'Swamp' only to find it in a disastrous condition.

It was clean!

According to Radar, it happened while the two of them had been picking up BJ. Steele had heard that Blake was leaving and they were getting a new commander named Colonel Boris T. Potter. After hearing the news, Steele decided it was important that they make a good first impression on the colonel, so he went through their tent and cleaned it.

“And you left it in this condition?!” asked a furious Hawkeye.

“Well... yes.”

“Look at this place! Beds are made, clothes are folded, and trash is off the floor!”

“Don't worry, I'm as disgusted by this wholesome cleanliness as you are.” said BJ.

“Alright people, let's get this place messed up! We got five minutes until dinner. Come on, let's go!”

The next day, after they had finished operating on the wounded, everyone went to the mess tent for lunch. As they were eating, Radar came in. “It's news about the Colonel.” he said, rather grimly. Everyone expected it to be a letter from Blake. Radar looked at the paper and read. “We regret to inform you that yesterday at seven o'clock in the evening, the plane carrying your colonel was shot down over the Sea of Japan. There were not any survivors.”

Despite the bad news, they still had a good time. The held a party for Hawkeye's funeral (in which the deceased himself gave the eulogy). What had happened was, a doctor in a nearby hospital died, but the paperwork somehow got mixed up, which led the army to believe that Hawkeye had died, and the other doctor was alive and well. So the doctors figured, what the heck, might as well give the poor dead Captain Pierce a proper funeral (by 'proper' funeral, I mean Martini's, party hats, and a food fight). Near the end, they invited Hawkeye himself to stand on the table and give a talk about himself. It went like this.

“Balto Hawkeye Pierce. Born July 22nd, 1919. He was a great man...”

“Booo!” shouted everyone.

“...loved and admired by all...”

“Liar!”

“...and now that he's gone...”

“We'll celebrate!!”

“...they will never be quite the same.”

“For the better!”

“And now for the will!”

Everybody cheered. At least they would get something!

“To Radar O'Reilly, I leave these smelly, soiled socks filled with holes! To Father Muk Mulcahy, I leave my last toilet paper roll! And finally, last but most certainly not least... to Steele Burns!” He fished inside his pocket, and pulled out several pieces of paper. “To Steele Burns I leave these copies of letters he wrote to 'Hot Lips' Houlihan!” 'Hot Lips' was another Major in the 4077th, who seemed to get along with Steele. Who, by the way, was married.

“Oh, what the heck,” said Hawkeye, and he pulled out a large burlap bag. He overturned it and dumped out nearly a hundred more papers. “What the heck, I'll give you all some copies of Major Burns' letters!”

The next morning, Radar was sitting outside without his shirt on, trying to get a tan. He heard a jeep pull up, but he didn't bother opening his eyes to see who it was. The person honked the jeep's horn. “Stupid jerk.” thought Radar. “If they want to talk to me, they can just walk up and say it.” The person honked their horn again. “Why don't you stick that horn in your ear?” said Radar.

“What's your name kid?” said an unfamiliar voice.

“Radar O'Reilly, what's it to you?”

“I'm your new colonel.”

Radar opened his eyes. He saw, standing before him, Colonel Boris T. Potter, new commanding officer of MASH 4077th.

Way out in a lonely section of the Sea of Japan, a lone figure sat in a rubber raft.

“All those morons probably think I'm dead.” thought the man. His name was Colonel Blake.

The End (already)

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