M*A*S*H

Loosely based on the episodes “The Moose” “Bombed” and “New Command” of the TV show.

During World War 2, survival rates for wounded soldiers had been poor. Wounded soldiers often had to face long hours of transport before they reached an operating room. Half the time they didn't make it there alive. By the time the Korean War began, the army had worked out a way to provide quicker treatment of casualties. The result was a small hospital called a MASH (Mobile Army Surgical Hospital) that could work just behind the lines of fighting. These units provided quick and efficient care for wounded soldiers. And that care was only minutes away from the heavy fighting. Once a wounded soldier arrived at the MASH, his chances of surviving was excellent: from 97 to 98 percent. Our story will focus on one, the 4077th and its staff. It was stationed three miles from the front, and two miles from the South Korean capital Seoul.

Cast:

Balto- Captain “Hawkeye” Pierce

Nikki- Captain “Trapper” John

Kodi- Corporal “Radar” O'Reilly

Dixie- Major “Hot Lips” Houlihan

Steele- Major Burns

Kaltag- Captain “B.J.” Hunnicutt

Doc- Colonel Blake

Muk-Father Mulcahy

Star- Corporal Klinger

and briefly appearing: Boris- Colonel Potter

Korea, October 1950

“Attention all personnel!” came a voice over the PA “Incoming wounded! I repeat, incoming wounded! We have choppers and ambulances! All available personnel to the OR!”

“Uhhh!” moaned Hawkeye. “I just got to sleep!”

Hawkeye and his three other bunkmates, Nikki “Trapper” McIntyre, Kodi “Radar” O'Reilly, and Steele Burns, had just gotten out of OR after eighteen straight hours of surgery. To make it worse, it was 3 in the morning, and it was pouring down rain.

“I would kill to be able to see inside my eyelids!” whined Trapper.

“Oh quit your whining!” snapped Major Burns. “Don't you have a single patriotic bone in your body? Besides, I'm not tired at all!”

“That clenches it,” said Hawkeye. “Steele isn't Canine.”

The wounded kept coming and coming. As soon as a doctor would finish surgery on one soldier, another would take his place on the operating table. They just kept coming and coming and coming. To make it worse, the North Koreans began bombing nearby them.

“Hey!” shouted Colonel Blake “Don't they realize we're a hospital?”

Suddenly, a bomb exploded right in the middle of the compound. Windows in the operating room shattered, spraying the doctors and patients with glass. All the doctors and nurses quickly threw themselves over the patients to keep glass off of them. The power began to short out, plunging the room into darkness.

“Hey! I'm in the middle of surgery here!” shouted Hawkeye. “I would appreciate it if I could see!”

“Oh shut your trap Hawkeye!” snapped Steele.

“Everybody please quiet down!” said Colonel Blake. “We're stressed out enough as it is! We don't need all this shouting!”

Another bomb went off, very close.

“Klinger!” shouted Trapper “I'm running out of supplies!”

Klinger came in. He was easy to spot. He was the only guy in there wearing a dress. He was trying to get a discharge by acting like he was crazy.

“Sorry Trap, we're all out.”

“All out of what?”

“Everything! Headquarters is stretching their budget tight.”

“So they decided to cut back on funding for hospitals?” shouted Hawkeye “Boy, that's brilliant!”

“How many times do I have to say it Hawkeye?” said an exasperated Colonel Blake “Quiet down. There's nothing we can do about it. Just accept it and keep working.”

“How?” Hawkeye yelled. “We're out of gloves, and we certainly can't keep the same pair on during all our patients! It isn't sanitary! So what are we supposed to do?”

The next few hours were the first time the doctors worked with their bare hands. With no gloves, they had to wash their hands even more thoroughly, and they had to wash their hands a second time in alcohol before each patient.

Nine hours later, they had finished up with all the wounded soldiers. It had now been thirty-nine hours since anyone had slept. Trapper, Radar, Steele Burns, and many others had gone to bed. Except for Colonel Blake and Hawkeye. Blake was staying up to call HQ to see about getting a new shipment of supplies. Hawkeye stayed up to make sure Blake didn't chicken out before calling HQ.

“Now, I understand that you're having budget trouble,” said Blake. “But our doctors need the supplies. They had to operate bare-handed last night! Oh, okay ...”

Hawkeye grabbed the phone out of Blake's hands “Look, you're sending us some supplies! We need some gloves, clamps, everything! I'll put it this way. If we don't have a new shipment of whole blood by tomorrow, then I'm coming up there taking some out of you! Do you understand what I'm saying? Yeah...”

Blake grabbed the phone back. “Sorry about that. That was one of our more obnoxious doctors. Now look, if we could just please have...”

Hawkeye snatched the phone back. “Look, we can't operate as fast as you get those kids wounded in battle, and we by golly aren't going to be able to do it any quicker without supplies! Last night I operated on thirteen guys with my bare hands! No gloves, nothing! I had to rub alcohol on my hands before every patient!” Blake reached to take back the phone, but Hawkeye growled at him. Blake held back. Hawkeye said back to the general at HQ “If you don't give us what we need to work on the wounded, then I'm coming up and making you one! Am I coming across clear?”

Needless to say, they got their supplies the next morning.

Back at Hawkeye's tent (affectionately known as 'The Swamp'), the bunkmates finally got some sleep. For six hours. Then more wounded poured in. “If only I could get two weeks off of work then I would be happy for a time.” Hawkeye thought. Then he decided it was time to take drastic action. He took the 'Klinger' approach. Not wearing dresses or anything like that, but acting crazy.

Colonel Blake was eating dinner in the mess tent, sharing a table with Trapper and Radar O'Reilly when Hawkeye walked in. He was wearing his surgical uniform, complete with the mask and everything. However, this wasn't the oddest thing. Rather than walking up to the counter to get his food, he already had some on his plate. He sat at the table occupied by Blake, O'Reilly, and Trapper, took his mask off and started eating.

“What's that?” asked Blake.

“Liver.” said Hawkeye.

“Liver? But we're having hamburgers. Where'd you get liver?”

“From the North Korean.” Hawkeye said casually.

“What North Korean?”

“The one that croaked.” Then Hawkeye continued eating.

Blake was shocked. At first he didn't believe him, but then he noticed fresh blood was splattered all over his uniform. “You... you animal!”

“I'm sorry, we ran out so I can't share any, but if you'd like to join me for breakfast tomorrow, we're having a nice big stack of pancreas.”

Blake was now horrified. He leaned over and grabbed the plate away from Hawkeye to examine it. Hawkeye furiously snatched it back.

“You touched my plate!” he screamed. “Have you washed your hands?! You aren't sterile!” He reached out, put his hands around Blake's neck and began throttling him. “You touched my plate! You've ruined my liver! And we're all out of North Koreans!” Trapper jumped up and pulled Hawkeye away from Blake. Hawkeye angrily threw his liver into the trash and stormed out of the mess tent.

“You did that beautifully!” laughed Radar.

“Ha ha! You'll most definitely get a two week pass in Tokyo for that performance!” said Trapper.

“That was my best acting performance ever, if I do say so myself.” Hawkeye said proudly. “Maybe next I can convince the colonel that I need you two to watch over me, so you can go too!”

“Nah, I'm fine for now.” said Radar.

“Me too.” replied Trapper.

At that point Burns walked into 'The Swamp'. Hawkeye quickly decided he would need to crazy in front of him, or else Burns would blab to the colonel that it was all a front.

“Hi Frank.” said Trapper.

“Hi Frank.” said Radar.

Hawkeye remained silent.

“Hawkeye, Steele's here.” said Trapper.

Hawkeye turned his back and began sobbing.

“Hawkeye, what's wrong?” said Trapper, knowing this was all an act.

Hawkeye suddenly jumped up, turned around, ran toward Burns, put an arm around his shoulders, and began saying with tear filled eyes “To be?? ... or... not to be? (sighhh) That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to sufferthe slingsand arrowsof outrageous fortune... or to take armsagainst a sea of troubles... and by opposing, endthem? To die, tosleep... no more! And by a sleep to say we end the heartacheand the thousandnatural shocks that flesh is heir to... (sniff) 'tis a consummation devoutly to be wished! To die... to sleep! To sleep, perchance to dream: Aye, there's the rub! For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil must give us pause.” With that he fell straight forward onto his bed.

Burns stared at Hawkeye for a moment, who was unbreathing, laying stiff as a two-by-four.

Hawkeye jumped up and started singing “You Are My Sunshine” as loudly as he could. Burns turned and ran out the door.

“Colonel, he's gone mad!” said Burns.

“Oh come on,” said Colonel Blake “You know Hawkeye. He's probably just fooling around, acting like it. Just ignore him.”

“Well... I'll try.”

The next few days were very aggravating for Steele, and for everybody else at the 4077th.

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