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Monty Python sledding circus
Act 1:
Scene 1:
[Voice from off screen]:
“Alaska, Seward Peninsula, Nome area. December 1929.”
[We see Google Earth, that is focusing on Seward Peninsula, zoom in to Nome. Again, voice from off screen]
“I SAID: 1929!”
[Then we see, we are watching on computer screen. From off screen coming a hand with hammer, hits the monitor and breaks it. Broken monitor is thrown away and the same hand puts very old map on table. Narrator continues.]
“Alaska, Seward Peninsula, Nome area. December 1929. Remote town of Alaskan North, still rebuilding itself after plague of diphtheria four years earlier. Traditional community, based on ways of old…”
[cut to series of black-and-white pictures: 1) Gunnar Kaasen with his sled and dogs. 2) Duke next to his plane 3) Duke running away from town, numerous citizens throws tomatoes on him. In the background plane is burning.]
“…is lazily spending its winter among snowed mountains.”
[Cut to black and white picture: several Nome citizens around the campfire on snowed plain. They are roasting hunted caribou on spit]
“Far from the rush of south states, isolated from usual Americans activities of that time, like surviving the Great Depression …”
[Cut to black and white pictures: poor town of one of south states (less snow and more urban landscape). Numerous citizens of that town around a campfire. The campfire is fueled by valueless shares. On spit a sled dog (some husky resembling Kodi) is being roasted. Citizens are looking on it with hunger in their eyes.]
“…They are living their calm lives. However the shades of past are about to return.”
[Again picture of several Nome citizens around the campfire on snowed plain. Then next pictures, where we see those people coughing and holding their bellies with painful stares.]
“The plague is back!” [Dramatic music, like from MP’s sketch “Spanish Inquisition”.
[Cut to snowed landscape. In whiteout weather we barely see the sea shore and Balto’s boat. On screen we see inscription in some futuristic looking font, like “Courier” or “Verdana”]
“64°30’36’’ North, 165°20’08’’ West”
[Voice from off screen]: “1929, God dammit!”
[hand from off screen writes new inscription with quill; the font looks very anachronistic, like “old English”]: “All right, all right.”
“Alaska. We have no bloody idea where exactly”
[Zoom in to boat. We see Jenna entering the boat and looking for Balto. She steps on snow on board. In snow lay many empty vials. On one vial we could read [Diphtheria Serum]. There are also used syringes. Jenna enters boat’s cabin.
Balto is lying on pile of furs with eyes wide open and vacant stare, pupils of his eyes are unnaturally extended. From his lips saliva is dropping. It seems he is high on some psychoactive substance. More used syringes. Jenna seems not to notice it.]
J: “Balto, Balto, wake up!” [Balto is half-awaken, but doesn’t react. Jenna hits wolfdog with paw. He just smiles wider and more saliva drops from his mouth.] “It’s not funny! We’re in really need.”
[Balto closes his mouth, narrows his eyes and slowly turning his head down to see empty vials. His jaws drop down.]
B (slowly and very quiet): “I guess I’m in need too.”
J: “Balto, I’m serious. Another plague is coming and someone broke to Doc’s house and stole serums!”
B (still quietly, he seems not comprehend everything): “That’s terrible!”
J: “You must go to Nenana, my love.”
B: “Yeah, sure.”
J: “Now!”
B: “Oh, right… Give me a sec.”
[Balto slowly overcomes his dizziness and set off to door out. He misses the door and hits with head in wall. Jenna gently guides him out.]
Scene 2:
[Pompous music, Balto is going thought snow in Nome direction. In background we see half-sheer shapes of map (like in old adventure-films). But Balto and Jenna are coming and coming, while map of Nome area (scaled about 1:100 000) is still. Voices from off screen.]
A: “Why they don’t move on map?”
B: “It’s too small distance. Just wait.”
[Jenna and Balto reach town. On main street there is already prepared sled-team. We see Star, Kaltag and Nikki, already harnessed in. They welcome Balto with cheering barks.]
S: “Look, it’s boss! That it the smartest, the fastest, the bravest…” [Kaltag is attempting to hit Star as always, but in last second smaller dog put on bowl-like looking British Army helmet. Kaltag hit the steel and yells with pain.] “…dog on this latitude!”
B: “Nice too see you guys!” [To the screen: “Although I barely see a thing.”]
[He stops before Gunnar Kaasen and musher harnesses him. Balto still looks loaded and not too sober.]
J: “Take care, Balto! You must get that serum!”
B [looking on empty vial with craving stare and face of druggist]: “I know, my love!”
Gunnar Kaasen: “Mush!”
[Team starts. Balto is leading with very uncertain steps. He hobbles few times, but then regain his pace. Sled enters the road and soon disappears behind hills.
Kodi comes to his mother. Jenna turns to him.]
J: “So they are out. But he will back. He always returns.”
K: “Yeah, but mostly after midnight.”
[Cut to map-view. We see old map of Seward Peninsula. From Nome starts a dot representing Balto’s sled. It runs directly… west. After several seconds/kilometers:]
S (Quietly and uncertainly): “E… boss… are you sure we are going right way?”
B (indistinctly): “What?”
S: “Nenana. It is on east… Or at least was when I was going there last time.”
B: “Aren’t we running east?”
S: “No, boss.”
B: “Crap!”
[Dot stops, then starts to go east. It returns to Nome.]
J (very surprised): “Balto… you are back! So quick… Do you have serum!?”
B (shameful voice): “No, it’s nothing. Just a simple navigational error…”
[Cut to map of Kenya. We hear voice from off screen that belongs to Zazu of The Lion King (voiced by Rowan Atkinson)]
Z: “That is my quote, you half-hyena!”
[Cut back to map of Alaska]
B (angrily): “Shut up! Besides I have nothing to do with hyenas. Those are not canines, but felines!”
[Cut back to map of Kenya. Voice of Simba of TLK (Matthew Broderick)]
S: “I beg your pardon?”
[Cut back to map of Alaska]
B: “All right, right. I’m sorry. And I must go. Bye Jenna!”
[Dot starts again, now in Nenana direction.]
Scene 3:
[Slope of snowed mountain. Hand from off screen (“A-Hand”) starts to write coordinates, but another hand (B-Hand) hit the first one then they disappears both. But after few more second A-Hand writes in “old English” font.
“Bear Mountain Range. Still no bloody idea what our coordinates are.”
[Zoom in to brink of forest. Lower is sloppy clearing where Balto’s team is running. On brink of forest stands Steele and is watching on sled with hateful stare.]
S (with his usual devilish voice): “So, we meet again. Time for my vengeance came. Balto, I will repay you this time.” [He looks into screen and continues to audience.] “Of course, under condition that author of this sketch have some realistic approach to the plot. Because if he is following typical “heroic scheme”, I – as the main villain – have no chance to kill Balto.” [His voice changes to be softer and more reproachful.] “I have tried countless times! Fight muzzle to muzzle, ambush, luring him to swamps and to hunting areas. Once I even almost lured him to Al Gore, who tried to save his species by locking him in zoo. But all have failed. Each time something disturbed me, some blasting deus ex machina action that had to prove I’m bad guy and Balto is good. Do you thing it’s fair?”
[Cut to map of Kenya. Voice of Scar of TLK (Jeremy Irons).]
Sc (with usual perfect English accent of villain): “You are right, my friend! It’s bloody unfair.” [Cut back to mountain.]
S: “So, I got an idea. If all my efforts failed, doesn’t matter how long I plan it, I decided to improvise. I will attack Balto with easiest method I could imagine and see what would happen. If author make me fail again, he is real dork!” [Steele laughs evilly.] “Now, die Balto!”
[He forms small snowball and throws it down. It starts to roll and cause an avalanche.]
S: “So, it’s already started. Now, we will see. Tell me, stupid author – what error I’ve done today? What stupid mistake? What I neglected?” [Avalanche becomes stronger. Snow starts to slide down.] “”Ha! I thought about everything!”
[Suddenly snow around Steele, moved by trembling of avalanche, starts to slide down too.]
S: “Finally I succeeded my villainy! I’m the first animated hero in history who did his revenge and get away…”
[Wave of snow takes Steele away. Camera is still pointed on place where he has been standing. Voice from off screen: “Crap!”. Fade to black.]
Act 2
Scene 1:
[Streets of Nome, three days later. Kodi, Dusty, Kirby, Bart and Ralph are standing on town square, some citizens walk in background. Jenna comes with grave stare and coming closer to Kodi.]
J (sad voice): Haven’t they return?
K: No yet, mom. But Morse is listening to any transition from Nenana. He will tell us, when he hear something important.
[Cut to Morse, lying inside post office, under desk with telegraph. Some Morse-code transmission is heard in background. Dog lays still.
Cut to black-and-white move. Shot of German WW2 Uboot from distance. Zoon in, cut to inside, to kiosk of submarine. We see Uboot captain with long beard and in old jumper. He looks like Jürgen Prochnow in “Das Boot”.
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that Monty Python would. Nice job.