Hmm.... I think that you need to use proper grammer and paragraphs, but other then that it was good! I still think you need to edit it so that it's not confusing, and so people won't quite reading it out of frustration.

Paragraphs!!! Can't....breathe!!!!! J/K it was good but, you need ot put paragraphs in so the reader can breathe. And more periods too, this is advice, not complaints, please heed the advice, people need to breathe!! but seriously, it was good. Keep it up!!

thats so cool! ive never read a story that i continiue reading it again and again! its so good!!!!!!!!! 10/10