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| November 08, 2012 | ||
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| Wolves of Mercy Falls |
Overall, this was an interesting story and parts of it were very good.
It was too rushed, though. Events happened too close together and the
reader couldn't respond to the emotions of one scene before it was
over and something else was happening. Also, remember to re-read and
edit your story once you finish writing it. There were many grammar
mistakes, spelling errors, and typos that generally took away from the
essence of the story. My advice to you is to concentrate on more description and less dialogue. The best writing advice I ever got was "Show not Tell." This means to not merely talk at your reading and tell them what is going on, but describe the setting, the characters, and the actions taking place. Also, your canon characters fell out of character at certain points in the story. If you can't imagine the animated character doing something, it probably means they wouldn't. Try to understand these characters more before writing about them. One last thing, I mentioned lots of time about there being too many human elements to the story such as Church, Town Hall, a hot meal at the end, lighting fires, making fake claws, and a few more that I can't think of right now. Try to stick with only the anthropomorphic qualities seen in the movies and don't go overboard. ~Black Rose~ |
| November 08, 2012 | ||
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| Wolves of Mercy Falls |
Also, how is Steele spilling gasoline and holding a match? With his
mouth? Not really possible... Not even Steele would admit to needing to have pride to be happy. He isn't that in touch with his true self or a big enough person to admit that openly. I do like your explanation as to why Steele hated Balto so much and why he was so protective of Jenna, though. That is really good! The use of a period between every word doesn't make the moment more suspenseful; it is only an annoyance to the reader. And why exactly is Steele killing himself? This is very out of character despite the added character you gave him. Is he remorseful for killing Cuddy? Does he think he's not good enough to be happy? Does he think he'll never find love and gives up on live? His suicide was random and brought no emotion to the story at all. The ending was sweet but much too light-hearted for the awful tragedy that just happened. (One last post, I promise!) |
| November 07, 2012 | ||
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| Wolves of Mercy Falls |
Again, Sumac wouldn't really be surrounded by security in the
Balto-verse. It's inconsistent with the movies. Also, I wonder why the
dogs haven't used their sense of smell to their advantage yet?
Remember that they are not humans; they are canines and therefore
Balto could easily sniff out the murderer or at least find a trail. Why are Balto, Star, and Boris so frustrated already? You should describe investigating but not finding anything for a while before describing their frustrations. Again, listing all the dogs present in the Boiler Room is kind of boring and unnecessary. Well, finally, the dogs use their noses! Haha. Anyways, I should mention that dogs can detect the difference in smells more than just husky, wolf, goose, ect... They can tell between individual as well, so if it is a dog they have come into contact before, they will recognize the scent. They may not be able to remember whose scent it is, but they will remember that they smelt it before. This plot twist is very interesting. I never thought it could be Steele and Boris being a gossip is very good backstory. This is the strongest part of your story. However, I can't imagine Boris (or anyone for that matter) openly admitting they are a pervert. Also, remember that this is a kids site, so I don't think this line is very appropriate. The mention of the Russian revolution was really unnecessary and beyond the knowledge of your characters. Just mentioning that the fishery was abandoned is enough. How exactly would Steele make fake wolf claws? This is very unrealistic. Also, you never explained Ralph's (or was it Kirby's, sorry) odd behavior at the party where he ran off with an insane look in his eye. This is a big plot hole. (Continued in next post) |
| November 07, 2012 | ||
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| Wolves of Mercy Falls |
You explain a little bit about Aleu and the wolves here, but it still
doesn't really explain why they are in Nome. You should explain it a
bit more. Why is Boris so intent to blame it all on Sumac after such little circumstantial evidence? That seems a bit out of character. Granted, he would be suspicious and probably think it was probably Sumac, but I don't he would exclaim, "Case closed!" Wow, that case was open and shut very fast. Again, it is unrealistic that Sumac would be convicted with such little evidence unless he confessed or more evidence was found that isn't mentioned. Also, keep in mind that these dogs don't have the same judicial system as people. Despite the Balto universe being anthropomorphic, the stories are never unrealistic. They would probably just ban him from Nome, such as many people think happened to Steele. Because of the weak evidence against Sumac, the attack on Cuddy wasn't as surprising as you were going for. I saw it coming. Instead of saying Terrier (from Balto 2), give the poor little guy a name! Because he has such a small role in WQ, you have to sort of make up his character yourself even if he doesn't play a big role in your story either. If you want to make a connection, perhaps mention that Balto hadn't seen the terrier since the birth of his pups or that the terrier ran up to him with as much urgency as he had done on the day Balto's pups were born. See how it makes the connection, but less bluntly? No signs of foul play? I think kidnapping is more than enough foul play! I think this is just the wrong use of this phrase and I would re-word this. (Continued in next post) |
| November 07, 2012 | ||
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| Wolves of Mercy Falls |
When writing Boris's talking, you should put in his accent such as
common grammar mistakes and replacing the w's with v's. it makes the
story more convincing. You did this in parts of the story, but it is
missing in the beginning and other parts as well. Remember to be
consistent in your style! Why does Balto think the murder had been planned out? What evidence was there? Instead of saying there was a Town Hall for dogs, why not just say a meeting in the Boiler Room? It would make a lot more sense that way. You did this for the meeting under the hospital. In this scene Balto somehow develops a Southern accent, calling everyone "ya'll"? Make sure that if you do use slang in your dialogue that it is true to the character. Also, you don't have to list every character that was at the meeting. Show that they were there by having them say something or do something. Also, if the whole church was invited to the party, why are only the mail team and Steele's sled dog team members there? Steele can't really "catch" an infection. He would have gotten a cut, didn't take very good care of it or cleaned it out properly, and the cut got infected. (Continued in next post) |
| November 07, 2012 | ||
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| Wolves of Mercy Falls |
Alright, here is my detailed critic of this fan fiction. Emphasize on
detailed. The beginning put me off, I will admit. Dogs going to formal church stretches the barrier of even the anthropomorphic Balto universe. A better alternate would have simply been an elder pastor dog that all the young ones looked up to and who maybe told fable type stories to the pups . Someone like a, but no out right saying he is a doggie pastor. Also, I can't imagine Steele going to church no matter how likable to Pastor is. And also, why would Niju and Sumac even be in Nome to go to it's church? They really didn't need to be mentioned at all since they don't even live in Nome according to the events in Wolf Quest. Why does Cuddy automatically think that maybe Tim is with another female dog? After all, I'm assuming they've been together a long time and he is, after all, a pastor. This is a common accusation for new or young couples, but old couples that have been together normally trust their partner enough not to assume cheating right off that bat unless they have a bad relationship, which I don't think you want them to have. Aleu us brought into the story at this point, which is very confusing for the reader. Why is she back in Nome? If you want her in the story, you have to tell the events that brought her back from the wolf pack. This goes for Niju and Sumac as well. You should describe "German Shepherds and Raccoons" instead of just saying it's like Cops and Robbers. It makes it more interesting for the reader when you describe a game and they can see it is similar to the human game instead of just stating that, yes, it is Cops and Robbers. This could have been down through Aleu and Dusty's conversation. (Continued in next post) |
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I would also add that with the use of matches and gasoline, this story might go over well on ADGTHS where the characters are more anthropomorphic. Additionally, at the beginning the pastor spoke more like a priest than a pastor ("pastor," if memory serves, is more used by evangelical clergy, for whom it would be quite uncharacteristic to say "your sins are forgiven" of their own volition as yours seems to).