inviting the clan while dog paddled in the lake "you sure about this?" Luna questioned. "sure! whats a little swim gonna hurt?" she laughed splashing some water on Taku, who was taken a back by said action. "lighten up, relax, lets have some fun!" she gathered her breath and dipped her head further underwater, shielding herself from the pack.
"Aleu? Aleu?!" Taku started to panic a little. he slanted forward, carefully as to not fall in, scanning his eyeballs left and right trying to find his lover. "GOTCHA!" the alpha popped out from under the water, grabbing Taku by wrapping her front legs around his neck and pulling him in the lake. The brown male emerged, gasping for breath. next was Aleu, who was laughing and giggling at her success.
her laughter grew more as she saw the expression on his face. "oh right that's it!" Taku took his front paw ready to splash Aleu "uh oh" she held her breath and shield herself with her front paws. "JARANEMO!" Nuk cried out jumping in and forming a cannonball. his body collided with the water with a large splash, getting the rest of the pack wet. the deal was set, and the clan of wolves had themselves a pool party.
summac tried dunking Nuk but was too small to make the large wolf budge. So he got on top of him. Aleu saw this and got on top of Yak, "what are you doing?" the navy blue wolf asked. "we're going to play a new game, go forward towards Nuk and Summak." Yak's eyes widened. "with you on top?!" Aleu laughed a little at the response. "Just go it'll be fun!" Yak shrugged in his mind and decided to take her word for it.
the two wolves started wrestling while being on top of another wolf. desperate, Nuk started splashing the two, which caused him to loose hold of summac who lost balance and plummeted into the water. this caused Aleu to laugh so much she lost her balance and fell into the lake as well. the two wolves emerged, and it was then a splash battle. but suddenly, a wave of water approached them, and engulfed the four wolves. the group was awestruck, and looked at their attacker. "sorry, did I win?" Taku asked tilting his head to the side. seeing this made the group laugh.
as time went by Aleu taught the pack many pool games. she and Luna played Marco polo, summac and Yak tried racing with each other, and Nuk and Taku tried to see who could make the biggest splash by jumping in the water.
noon soon came, and the wolves headed out to the beach. Aleu rushed away from the group and close to the waves, running in circles. "I just love it here, its almost like home! come on guys lets go make a sand castle!" Taku and Luna looked at each other. "sand?" Taku started "castle?" Luna finished. "Yeah! we can throw and catch sticks, play "fox, fox what time is it", bury someone up to their neck,"
"Aleu, these seem like cub games to me." Luna stated. "oh just because we're warriors doesn't mean we have to be serious all the time, this is also good exercise! and we can have fun while we're at it!" the wolves looked at one another. "fine, but you have to promise this will improve our fighting and hunting capabilities." Luna said. "of course it will, now lets party!"
after many games were played and fun was had, the clan took their spare time to watch the sunset. "shall we howl when the moon comes?" Aleu asked. Taku nodded. the sun disappeared from sight, and the moon was eventually visible to see, full and glowing. the wolves howled in union, almost as if they chanted or sang. it was probably the most memorable day Aleu has had as the alpha of the pack.
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| February 03, 2014 | ||
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There's also a bit of a logic gap on page 4. How would wolves know
about teddy bears and hippies? I don't think the hippy movement
started until about 30 years later. Teddy bears might have been
around back then, but would wild animals know, or care, about them?
As for T-bones, I don't know if wolves would use terms like that.
"Haunch" or "shoulder" would make more sense. Lastly, the whole thing about being serious vs. having fun doesn't really make sense to just throw in at the last minute. A change that significant should be taken more slowly. |
| February 03, 2014 | ||
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As for the romance between Aleu and Taku, my main suggestion would be
to mix it up a little. Throw in some times where they don't get along
well for stupid reasons (one of my leading ladies once got mad at her
guy because she felt he was treating her like an infant when, really,
he was just trying to be chivalrous and make sure she was safe). Try
reading Brian Jacques' book Redwall and then watching the animated
series (season 1); the relationship between Matthias and Cornflower
was, in my opinion, much more entertaining in the show because it had
more ups and downs. Aleu had a good hunting strategy on page 2, but the rationale used to defend it on page 3 overlooked the fact that those deer weren't native to the island; they had come en masse from the mainland, and would have created an imbalance. So although the wolves' role in the balance was key, the argument made in favor of limited hunting makes it sound like they were trying not to disrupt omething already in balance. Ecologically speaking, their presence would restore something that was currently out of balance. |
| February 03, 2014 | ||
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Well, this is a nice story, but before you work on improving your
romance writing I'd suggest you start with readability. Try starting
a new paragraph each time the speaker changes, and taking more care
with your punctuation and capital letters. For example, instead of Aleu walked up to her friend "Are you sure this is going to work?" the male wolf nodded "I'm almost certain, after all it sounded like a good plan to me. That was quite a good speech you did there Aleu, I'm impressed. Keep that up and the rest of the clan will accept you in no time." Aleu blushed a bright red under her cheeks "hm, thank you." Try doing it more like this: Aleu walked up to her friend "Are you sure this is going to work?" The male wolf nodded "I'm almost certain, after all it sounded like a good plan to me. That was quite a good speech you did there Aleu, I'm impressed. Keep that up and the rest of the clan will accept you in no time." Aleu blushed a bright red under her cheeks. "Hm, thank you." FYI, I used to make the same mistake (back before I joined this site). |
![]() | July 18, 2012 | |
This is Awesome indeed!! Even awesome won't describe how touching this
fanfic is!! |
| March 28, 2012 | ||
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thanks so much frozen! this is my fave written story so far and im
darn proud of it too. |